Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

291–300 of 522 posts

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#291

Post by austhrow743 »

What happened to all those friends you used to have? Look them up, if any are nearby hit them up and see if they want to catch up.

Regarding going the hobby path. Dude, sports. Yes things like dance are going to have an abundance of weirdo singles trying to mix with the opposite sex in a planned environment. Join a pub league rugby team or something. I guarantee there would be people at that party above you who met through sports.

Also, you are still allowed to have housemates as a professional in his 30s. I'd be looking at that well before something as drastic as a career change.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#292

Post by cbreynoldson »

I know a number of people outside of software engineering/tech that are going through this. Since COVID, many people have learned (the hard way) that community is important.

Try meetups (even meetup.com). It only takes one person you meet to stick and become a friend, and that's 1000x better than where you started. Keep doing it, go to random meetups and things where there will be other people open to making friends. You don't need to actually be interested in whatever the activity is (though many meetups are at bars), it's just an excuse to meet people, just like college was.

Try standup comedy clubs/shows (the small ones). These people are usually friendly, and people usually stick around to chat afterwards. You can meet people easily this way.

Eventually you or someone you meet will ask to do another activity together (maybe food, maybe golfing, who knows). You could even make it a regular thing over time. This kind of thing builds the sense of community you're looking for.

Wanna feel good tomorrow? Go to a few stores (or similar) and make small talk with some cashiers. Try your best to engage and be nice. You may not meet a friend this way, but you'll connect with others in your community around you, which will certainly help.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#294

Post by phant0mas »

anon92387493 wrote: post #133
zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million othe…

Can't agree with this more. Training has really helped me put my emotions in check, and after a workout everything seems more clear. I have ended up going every day, and pretty much feel like a car hit me every day, but I have made so many friends just by having CrossFit as a common activity.

The other day, they even organized a hiking activity in the Parnitha mountains outside of Athens, and it felt like an adventure. It's a great community to be part of. My trainer even jokes I should be paying him a extra therapist fee.

Not to mention I met my, probably, future wife at the gym :)

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#295

Post by brd529 »

brightball wrote: post #123

I don’t know if this answer will appeal to you or not but…consider visiting a local church, especially one that has an adult Sunday school class. There’s usually a lot of nice people, active singles classes with activities, opportunities to give back and volunteer, meet other people and learn. I know people respond with various degrees of emotion to a suggestion like that, but in my experience it’s usually the place…

Came here to say this. The other point I would add, and this gets churchy but it is also the wisdom of the ages “to find your life you have to lose it” - the great thing about a church is you are instantly plugged into a community of service that makes it easy to lose your life for the sake of others

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#297

Post by rakejake »

anon2020dot00 wrote: post #79

Instead of the usual advice of taking-up hobbies, I think what's more interesting to talk about: 1. What is the definition of fun? - I imagine for most introverts, a loud party and getting drunk is not our definition of fun. 2. Is there a causal relationship between a Dev Career and social isolation? - Most dev work is working in isolation and for introverts this is a blessing, but for extroverts this can be depressi…

While there may not be a causal relationship between a dev career and social isolation, I feel they are orthogonal. Unlike a product manager or a sales person, there is not as much incentive to build a social circle, and to acquire the skills that let you build a social circle wherever you go. So your circle-building skills slowly atrophy, unless you are a social animal and put in extra-effort in your own time.

As many people have pointed out, building a social circle takes a lot of time, effort, and most importantly skill. Building one in college is easy because when you have bunch of young people (united by alcohol) in the same place with roughly the same mission, circles form automatically. Out in the real world, now with the added drama of the pandemic and all the social fallout, the bar is much higher.

At least OP had a good group in college and had some fun times. I shudder to think of the current and next few graduating classes who have to endure "online learning" and a very reduced social circle. I have no clue what that is going to lead to.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#299

Post by postcynical »

anon92387493 wrote: post #133
zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million othe…

Agree. Crossfit benefits IMO:

The Crossfit WODs, a very physically intense workout, at the end everyone usually has a runners high and is sort of relaxed, has a similar effect on me like drinking with others.

The pain shared from fighting through grueling WODs with others creates great bonds/cameraderie, similar to those marches in the military service. Go through a few hero wods together and you develop great trust.

Endless small talk possibility with other crossfitters. Everyone loves to enthusiastically chat about exercises, the last few wods, etc. And immediate connection, like if u studied at the same university.

Last point applies to other sports as well, but IMO, it's a lot stronger with crossfit.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#300

Post by selimthegrim »

Eric_WVGG wrote: post #39
zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

I’ll second the city bit. Your experience sounds very much like my existence in not-really-a-city Portland, OR. I moved to NYC and everything about my life got better fast. The only quirk is that COVID kneecapped socializing badly, that’s either temporary or civilization is doomed /shrug

I fled to New Orleans from Portland after two and a half years of that shit and never looked back.
Post reply on HN