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‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

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Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#291

Post by VintageLight »

digianarchist wrote: post #108
40acres wrote: post #18

Everyone around us is fighting their own little war. I've felt similarly to the writer -- I moved out of my childhood home the day after graduating college and started work that Monday. I only moved 215 miles (NYC to Boston), but it felt a world away, especially considering most Americans live relatively close to where they grew up and 215 miles in Europe goes a long way. I've made and abandoned friends at almost eve…

Your story has a similar outline to my own. I moved from the UK to Canada which has been excellent for my career but at the same time has put enormous strain on my relationships as I just don't get to see people thanks to splitting a really shitty vacation allowance (3 weeks Canada wtf). Now I'm torn between putting down roots in Toronto, moving out to the sticks, moving to Europe to be close to everyone or doing the…

As a Canadian who moved to the US for work, I've felt many of the same things you've mentioned about your move to Canada!

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#293

Post by kerryfalk »

ta3216 wrote: post #213
kirsebaer wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You are onto something with letting kids be bored and struggle to create their own activities. You taught yourself to use a computer, without taking an expensive "kids learn computers class", right? Signing kids up for all these classes and structured activities can lead to a sort of passivity where they expect adults to tell them what to do.

And what if he had Fortnite etc back then? Would he have really excelled at computer work? Maybe.

We didn't have Fortnite but we had many other venues for entertainment on computers: MUDs, Ultima, DOOM, Duke Nukem 3D, Wolfenstein, Wing Commander, etc. etc. The list goes on.

My early family life resembled the parent's. The difference in my case and related to your point wasn't the absence of distractions it was to get at them I had to learn how to make the damn computer work. I once tricked my 286 into thinking it was a 386 so that I could install Windows 3.1. All for the purpose of... playing solitaire. Yeah, that's how bored I was.

I'm not even sure I could replicate doing that today. As a 9 year old I was better with a rudimentary BIOS than I am today with a modern one. I'm pretty sure it was because there was a barrier between me and what I wanted and the only way to get it was to figure out that horrendous system.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#294

Post by alexashka »

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #145

This probably won't be popular, but what the hell. I feel like, if you strip away the outward trappings and dogma, this is what religion is good for. Not in a "believe in Jesus" or "trust in God" kind of way, but in a "how to orient your life" kind of way. Which is to say, the actually useful portion of religion generally teaches that your best life is probably not focused on you. It isn't about finding yourself, or…

The lady isn't struggling with meaning - she's struggling with having lived a care-free life and is now realizing that the ability to form a family and/or have a career that earns above average, has passed her by.

There isn't anything to 'do' to solve this - because there is no problem. She's made trade-offs she wasn't fully aware of and now she's coming to see them for what they are. She'll pout for a few days/months/years and then move on with her life.

This 'become something that is worth being' aka Jordan Peterson cult of 2018, is going to run it's course too, because most people are average, and this 'worth being' is always something an average person isn't already doing. When they start doing it, 'worth being' will become something more difficult surely because it's never enough. What a great way to view yourself as above others and continue being an ego-maniac (what Jordan Peterson is)

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#295

Post by jdhn »

d--b wrote: post #84

I feel sorry for the person in the article, but it seems curious to me that this reached the top of hacker news... Am I missing something?

The article probably struck a chord with people who either feel the same way as the author of the letter, or can strongly empathize with her feelings.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#296

Post by camelNotation »

csomar wrote: post #283
camelNotation wrote: post #105

I married very young. My wife and I had very little, both were working jobs for close to minimum wage with no marketable skills between us. So we sat down and decided what we wanted. We both wanted kids, she wanted to stay home with them when they were young. We both wanted a house of our own. We both wanted to live somewhere with family and friends that we could rely on to help us lay down roots and build that home.…

> Pair up That could be challenging for many people for multiple reasons. Have you considered the possibility that you found (by luck) a rather exceptional partner and thus your model could not be replicated on the society at large.

It is very true that many people can't and won't be able to pair up, but they can group together other ways. You can build a family many different ways. One of the major problems with modern society is that the only reliable companionship any of us ever really find is in our romantic partners and that's a sad byproduct of our alienation from family, community, and work in general. You can find others like yourself, commit to one another, care for one another, and build a home together that has meaning in its own way. I have an aunt like that who never married, but she has close friendships even into her old age that mirror a marriage (maybe she is gay, I don't know or care). But she found a way to build a home like that.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#297

Post by amyjess »

MRD85 wrote: post #221
amyjess wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> When youth starts to fade away, reality kicks in - the highly desirable partners are not interested, and the average ones are already committed to long time partners who valued them in their own youth. You're forgetting about a) divorcees and b) men who have also gone down the same path.

Men don't have the same time pressure to start a family with many starting at 45+. The other thing is men often become more attractive to women as they age due to things like financial success while the same can't be said for women.

Sorry, I wasn't clear.

I meant that women who don't become interested in having a long-term committed relationship until later in life have the option of dating men who followed the same path as them, as well as the option of dating divorced men.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#298

Post by whiddershins »

The problem I have with this answer is it basically denies the problem exists.

Sure, in a sense, everything is subjective. All suffering is caused by the lens through which we filter reality. I believe Viktor Frankl writes persuasively on this topic after his experience in a concentration camp.

But that’s a non answer in any practical terms, and telling someone their suffering is all in their head is rarely a solution for anything.

This person made a series of choices over many years that has led to being 35, with no partner, no kids, no career, and no artistic pursuits. This legitimately sucks and is a hard problem that can’t be fixed overnight. It’s certainly not going to go away by denying that it sucks and all you need is an attitude adjustment.

The person who wrote this response has a husband, kids, a prominent column and a book deal. She should be ashamed for her response.

The person writing in can change their life, and all those awesome experiences will be of use and enrich the future. But the change toward the life they want will probably require small, incremental, consistent steps, hard work, and honesty.

Anyway, that’s what I think.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#299

Post by dragonwriter »

radiator wrote: post #280
J-dawg wrote: post #124

It’s politically incorrect, but I feel like feminism has sold a massive lie to women like this. Admittedly much of what she describes could apply to either gender, but it’s women who are hit hardest by fading looks and declining fertility. It used to be accepted cultural knowledge that if a woman desired marriage and children, she should probably spend her ‘best years’ looking for and committing to a husband. Now you…

It is so true. A woman thinking about her declining fertility for the first time in the age of 35? This only happens in modern western countries, where feminism has convinced women: "do not marry early", "explore your feelings", "meet new people", "have a career", "children and family oppress you" and so on. Of course, such things were unheard of some decades ago, and still are in many parts of the world, where women…

> I am sorry, but of course there is no hope of a normal family for a woman of this age.

Eh. While we married much younger, my wife and I had our two kids when she was 38 and 40, and we have age peers who found life partners around or after 35. Unless you are involving a simple tautology by defining “normal family” to be one started before leaving the 20s or something like that, you are just dead wrong.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#300

Post by yjhoney »

If anybody empathizes with the post, what helped me was volunteering. Helping others and working with a group to help others gives me a lot of appreciation for all the little things that I have. Also, going out of my way to make someone else smile helps me stay happy. Compliments are a great way to start, I was inspired by a cool article about giving the perfect compliment - https://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a6271/how-to-complimen...

Being nice to others in a genuine way builds trust. And building this trust in people around you can help dissipate some of the emotional pain.

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