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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#281

Post by crimsonalucard »

anondog wrote: post #271

(Anonymous bc this is a very honest comment.) I'm a massive introvert who spends most of his time coding, playing video games or Magic the Gathering, and my life has devolved 3 times into full-blown WoW addiction -- the fool's gold life people take on when they feel their real one sucks. I have almost no friends, hate making plans and, generally, would rather be alone. "Hell is other people" is my motto. And of cours…

You got any suggestions for the "structured organization" besides the fraternity? I'm out of college now and I'm looking for a group.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#282

Post by josephjrobison »

saalweachter wrote: post #135

Here's my thoughts, as someone who's naturally shy, socially awkward (or maybe just plain weird), and loaded with anxiety issues. Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6 train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations pe…

Completely agree with this, especially asking people questions. A few other points on that:

-The questions should be genuine, so that you deliver correctly and learn something

-The questions should mostly not be yes/no answers so the conversation doesn't die

-Make a game of it after you ask a question to see if you can keep it going for another 30 seconds. Example: you ask the grocery store clerk how to find a good cantaloupe, he/she shows them to you and shows you how to tell, you say "the last few times I picked terrible ones", then you ask when they're in season...etc

Other ideas:

-Older people tend to be nicer and more accommodating and less rushed. It could be worth trying to talk to older people who are less intimidating if they're not in your peer group, and working your way down in age as you build confidence

-Do you even remotely like any sports? Can you handle a beer or two? Find a classy bar that's not too crowded that plays sports games. Sit at the bar and watch and slowly drink your beers. Ideally not many people are there and you can comment on the game with the bartender or another person sitting next to you. Can be any sport tennis, golf, soccer, whatever

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#283

Post by frodopwns »

I know how you feel. I would recommend taking advantage of meetup.com. You can connect with people using the knowledge and skills you have acquired as an engineer. The rest should grow from there. Most important is that you don't give up on trying. The burden of loneliness can drive you to give in rather than strive on. You have to win that battle.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#284

Post by crimsonalucard »

icebraining wrote: post #111
skaplun wrote: post #91

You are not asking how to meet people, you are asking how to meet the perfect people for you who will be available only when you want them. you are turning down all opportunities to actually meet people.

I need a brand new friend who doesn't bother me I need a brand new friend who doesn't trouble me I need someone, yeah, who doesn't need me

I don't think that's the crutch of his problem though...

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#285

Post by mrcwinn »

Hi there, I wrote this a while back. It may help. http://mrcwinn.svbtle.com/being-shy

The short version would be: know your strengths as well as your weaknesses (seems like you do). Give yourself time and find things that work for you. I've never been a talk-to-random-strangers-at-the-bar type of person. It's just not who I am. One idea is to find people with similar interests AND geography online, and then force those online relationships into the offline world.

Plenty of people like you, whether or not you realize it. Don't sweat it.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#286

Post by josephjrobison »

illeagle99 wrote: post #234

You probably won't read this, but I'll give my input as well. It might seem hard, but force yourself to interject in conversations. Force yourself to try. You might not understand it, the others involved may not understand you, but its through that kind of embarrassing failure that you begin to succeed in social ventures. But the easiest thing to do, to grow out your sense of social comfort, is to talk to someone who…

Yup - I was always afraid to talk unless I said the right thing, but you gotta just comment on something in the conversations every few minutes. Saying something stupid is often better than saying nothing in my opinion.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#288

Post by roflson »

This may get lost near the bottom, but instead of analysing what or why you are in your situation, here are a couple of concrete suggestions:

1. Go and volunteer with redbrick.org. You can conceivably fill two half days of your weekend doing something good, often with other people who are flying solo.

2. Try rock climbing. Take the intro to climbing class at a local gym (there is one in Sunnyvale and a few in San Francisco). It's extremely social, and you always have something to talk about (rock climbing)

3. Go to a meetup.com group of interest. Try something that you are into, and something you aren't. But it will get you out of the house.

If these kinds of social activities fill you with forboding, that's fine, but people are very open and welcoming and this may give you a building block.

Good luck.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#290

Post by crimsonalucard »

_archon_ wrote: post #247
saalweachter wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A poem on the subject of lending & taking: Lending Out Books Hal Sirowitz You’re always giving, my therapist said. You have to learn how to take. Whenever you meed a woman, the first thing you do is lend her your books. You think she’ll have to see you again in order to return them. But what happens is, she doesn’t have the time to read them, & she’s afraid if she sees you again you’ll expect her to talk about them,…

*You should each borrow a book from each other.

I think just borrowing the book yourself is overall better then lending or exchanging. It removes all the pressure from her and makes subsequent interaction easier.
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