I rebooted my social life • Hacker News Board

Re: I rebooted my social life

#281

Post by legerdemain » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 12:36 AM UTC

cjdell wrote: post #117

Joining a hackspace/makerspace suddenly introduced me to a high quality real-life social network. It's an excuse to engage with your hobbies but also hangout with like minds and pick up new skills. This won't be an option for everyone. I have to travel for an hour each way to get to mine, but it's worth it. If I had more energy I would start one in the city where I live.

A different take: joining one of these spaces (in the bay area) has exposed me to a weird and unpleasant underbelly of society that I barely knew existed. It's like the worst of Reddit, but in real life. People who want you to work on their projects "for the exposure," crypto scammers and people who are very naive and enthusiastic about crypto, depressed unemployable people, people who secretly live on the lobby couches, elderly people just watching videos all day, get-rich-quick people, people who are always "starting to learn" for years at a time, it's quite an array.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#282

Post by urban_strike » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 12:36 AM UTC

tootie wrote: post #193

maplant wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

These kind of findings are probably accurate on average, but not to a person. Some people are wired differently. Some (presumably most) require community and extensive social connection. I really think that some of us just need much, much less. I don't get much sense of reward from social interactions. It really does just feel like a dull chore most of the time. Even with people I genuinely like and respect.

Yeah, I've been trying to wrap my head around this recently. I always get a bit irked by the inevitable comments confidently asserting things like "humans are social animals, if you think you don't need tight social connections you're just hurting yourself". And then pointing to these results averaged out over the entire population as "proof".

It seems like there's got to be some statistical fallacy being made, like asserting "all humans need visual stimulation to survive" and then all the blind people on earth shrug at the data and realize they're not human I guess? On average it's true, "all humans" would go crazy if deprived of their sight, but it turns out some people do it just fine and can have rich, human lives.

I wonder if it's just when people live very social lives, the idea of deriving satisfaction in life internally, to be able to self regulate and maintain a health sense of identity without frequent input from others, is just too alien to consider. To not dislike people, or lack social skills, but just be as disinterested in socializing as I am in starting a coin collection. Or maybe all that is just extremely uncommon and experiences like mine are just a true rounding error.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#283

Post by yosito » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 12:49 AM UTC

TLDR: You can invite people to do stuff.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#284

Post by fn-mote » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 12:50 AM UTC

znpy wrote: post #269

ivm wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Volunteering in smaller orgs is also a great option because it naturally filters for people who actually want to do something good around them, and the way you work together leaves more space for communication than a lot of group-but-actually-solitary hobbies out there. A few years ago I joined my rural neighborhood council, and I’d never been around so many people consistently being generous with their time and ener…

Maybe it's been "just" my bad experiences, but in volunteering i've always seen some social "power" dynamics that I don't really like. Some person somehow gets to be the leader and bosses people around. Those people aren't always the brightest or the most compassionate. They often are pushy, they are somewhat totalitarian, they really don't like their ways to be questioned. Sometimes (not always) they are the most de…

I’ve met some of them. To me: don’t get stuck. If it’s not working, move on. There’s a zillion volunteer orgs, so keep shopping until you find somewhere that you like and appreciates you.

I stay volunteering for the people I work with even more than my investment in the goals of the organization.

You can find something like that - keep looking.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#285

Post by legerdemain » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 12:51 AM UTC

sph wrote: post #61

btrettel wrote: post #59

I've thought about starting my own community group, but I am pretty skeptical that I could find many folks interested in what I'm interested in. I think this is a real barrier to many. Any advice? To elaborate, in the US, existing groups tend to be narrow and uninteresting to me. In most places I've lived, it's basically a mix of sports/fitness groups, art groups, "tech" (i.e., programmer; traditional engineers like…

Funny, I've had the exact same thought, and doubts, as yours. I really dislike communities focused on a certain topic, as I really don't see myself as part of any one thing that defines me. If I were doing rock climbing, I still wouldn't enjoy talking about rock climbing the entire day with my rock climbing friends; my interests are much wider. Which is the reason I do not participate in any community on- and off-lin…

Historically, social clubs were a thing!

You've got gentlemen's clubs of the kind that Phileas Fogg from "Around the World in 80 Days" belonged to. They were leisure spaces where the rich could socialize with each other, dine from a wider menu than their own domestic staff could offer, access a bigger reading library, and organize group activities like automotive clubs and regattas.

Then you've got private societies like the Freemasons and the Rotary Club, which were usually segregated by gender and race, had a religious component, and offered services like mutual aid and insurance.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#286

Post by fn-mote » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 12:56 AM UTC

znpy wrote: post #271

mmooss wrote: post #267

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you have something to say about the issues? Don't worry about me, thanks anyway. Edit: As far as learning something, the GGP's citations were nonsense, as I pointed out. What has anyone offered, other than a demonstration of the fundamentals of misapplying statistics.

you're ruining the mood of the discussion generally bringing in negative vibes. nobody's worrying about you, rest assured.

Spot on.

Social interactions don’t thrive when negative emotions are present.

People want to feel good about what they are doing.

Even the used car salesman that wants to be your friend knows this… bring good energy to HN as well.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#287

Post by ivm » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 1:06 AM UTC

znpy wrote: post #269

ivm wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Volunteering in smaller orgs is also a great option because it naturally filters for people who actually want to do something good around them, and the way you work together leaves more space for communication than a lot of group-but-actually-solitary hobbies out there. A few years ago I joined my rural neighborhood council, and I’d never been around so many people consistently being generous with their time and ener…

Maybe it's been "just" my bad experiences, but in volunteering i've always seen some social "power" dynamics that I don't really like. Some person somehow gets to be the leader and bosses people around. Those people aren't always the brightest or the most compassionate. They often are pushy, they are somewhat totalitarian, they really don't like their ways to be questioned. Sometimes (not always) they are the most de…

I've met all kinds of people and surely enough, some can be toxic, dark triad, etc. I'd say some topics, such as politics and animal welfare, seem more prone to attracting those types. But having a few of them here and there also helps to develop patience and diplomatic skills for de-escalating and creating a healthier environment despite their presence.

In my case, local community orgs are usually run by older, often retired people. Doesn't mean there's no drama, but it's not the same kind of drama you'll find in predominantly younger organizations.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#288

Post by legerdemain » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 1:10 AM UTC

nunez wrote: post #177

6thbit wrote: post #91

I came to the same conclusions as the author. Then I tried something like this and failed to get people interested. It’s draining for me to reach out to try and convince people, not sure if the social anxiety or the lack of executive functioning. Any tips for someone that understands and wants community but struggles with the building process?

I'll answer your question with a question. In the past, I would have recommended finding a Meetup on some activity you enjoy. Meetup isn't as popular anymore (another victim of COVID and WFH culture), but the spirit of the idea is sound. Are there apps or services that fill that void these days?

Meetup isn't a victim of Covid and WFH, it's a victim of being sold to WeWork years before Covid.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#289

Post by legerdemain » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 1:15 AM UTC

cadamsdotcom wrote: post #102

Yep, build community - by organizing get-togethers for the most interesting people you know, not just yourself. It’s work, it doesn’t come naturally - but you get the privilege of curating who’s there.

This is backwards. You have the privilege of curating who's not there, by not inviting them. The fascinating people you do invite aren't obligated to show up.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#290

Post by DEDLINE » Fri, Jan 02, 2026, 1:17 AM UTC

iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

An interesting comment here.

I can attribute jumping several economic classes to the social skills I honed in high school and college. I have many friendships that are decades-plus and I had 150+ of my invited friends / family attend my wedding.

Emotionally, I do not long for new friends. It's a lot of work to maintain the relationships I have with my friends, family, wife and daughter.

I find aimless socialization these days to be laborious. I just do not give a shit.

I recently moved to NYC. I am at a point in my career where it's networking and politics that will get me ahead. I see a lot of my net-new socialization moving this direction.