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Find Your People

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Re: Find Your People

#281

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

gardenhedge wrote: post #280
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #278

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exactly. To be fair, though, some of the most interesting stuff on HN, comes from “diverted” comment threads (not this one, though). Of course, I’ve always made it easy to get in touch with me. I would assume that if someone was legitimately interested in the backstory (as opposed to some prurient interest in public grandstanding), they could contact me directly. It has happened, in the past.

I haven't seen that type of grandstanding on HN - could be a tiktok thing though. HNers are normally open to discussing what they themselves post about. I think we can agree to leave the vaguebooking to the sulky teens on FB.

When someone insists that you expose in public, and refuses to engage in any other manner, then that’s an issue. I see a fair amount of pretty classic “schoolyard bully” behavior on HN, which is interesting, as this is a professional forum, frequented by some of the most influential people in the industry.

Bullies like an audience. They want people to see their behavior.

I know of a number of folks on HN, that are convicted felons, often running companies that help other convicted felons, interested in going legit (This does not include the much greater number of “uncaught” felons. I bet that every blackhat has an HN handle, and I'll also bet that they are some of the best-behaved HN members).

Occasionally, one of these folks may choose to post some portion of their personal journey. I am grateful to read what they post, and would never dream of demanding that they post more. If I find what they post compelling, I might contact them directly.

Re: Find Your People

#282

Post by gardenhedge »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #281
gardenhedge wrote: post #280

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I haven't seen that type of grandstanding on HN - could be a tiktok thing though. HNers are normally open to discussing what they themselves post about. I think we can agree to leave the vaguebooking to the sulky teens on FB.

When someone insists that you expose in public, and refuses to engage in any other manner, then that’s an issue. I see a fair amount of pretty classic “schoolyard bully” behavior on HN, which is interesting, as this is a professional forum, frequented by some of the most influential people in the industry. Bullies like an audience. They want people to see their behavior. I know of a number of folks on HN, that are co…

HN is a public forum where anyone from around the world can sign up from young aspiring programmers to retired folk. I haven't seen bullying on HN but it's worth noting that I don't consider disagreement to be bullying. Words have meanings.

One cool thing about HN is that the community largely leans towards precision and clarity with less tolerance for hype and fluff.

There is no DM functionality built into HN - as it's a public forum not a private messaging app. Some people may put contact details into their profile but they shouldn't have an expectation that that communication channel is used.

Re: Find Your People

#283

Post by specialist »

smeej wrote: post #94
MicrosoftShill wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It sounds like you need some friends in the maker space or something similar where tinkering in something temporary is normal. I'd say you're among friends in the HN space where tinkerers are more common! Keep working on your trauma. Don't however think that your healing is a requirement to have friends, love, etc. We are all broken and hurt. We are broken together.

I've tried a couple times, but the interest in making physical things cycles through just like any other interest. Then it gets replaced by something like neurobiology or anthropology and I don't want to make things for awhile. It seems like I really enjoy the beginnings of things, like if we run Pareto ratios twice, I like the 4% of the learning that gets me 64% of the understanding. And then it's enough and I'm don…

Ya, your situation is rough. Made many fold harder by today's isolating culture and technology.

Have you found any artists or creators to hang with?

Especially these days, artists have to be very tech savvy. I've always enjoyed helping others with their projects. (I possess the artistic talent of sea kelp rotting in the sun.)

In my experience, makerspaces have dabblers, not doers.

Re: Find Your People

#284

Post by specialist »

smeej wrote: post #166
scns wrote: post #153

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sounds familiar. Have you looked into ADHD and Autism yet?

Yeah, but the other symptoms don't line up. Screenings I've had have been negative. It seems more likely that I have complex trauma from gestation, birth, infancy, and early childhood that really threw a monkeywrench into my neurological development. What we're trying to figure out now is whether I have enough neuroplasticity left at this stage for it to be recoverable, or if I'm just going to be like this forever. I…

> have enough neuroplasticity

I think so. It's hard. But doable.

I've reprogrammed myself at least 4 times so far (now 57yo).

Most recently, a few years ago, I went thru Swedish Hospital's Pain Clinic program. Synthesis of all the life skills recommended for trauma, mental health, and ADHD, plus some new ones for pain management.

I don't even believe this woo woo stuff even works. Yet it worked on me despite my skepticism. So what do I know?

Re: Find Your People

#285

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

gardenhedge wrote: post #282
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #281

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When someone insists that you expose in public, and refuses to engage in any other manner, then that’s an issue. I see a fair amount of pretty classic “schoolyard bully” behavior on HN, which is interesting, as this is a professional forum, frequented by some of the most influential people in the industry. Bullies like an audience. They want people to see their behavior. I know of a number of folks on HN, that are co…

HN is a public forum where anyone from around the world can sign up from young aspiring programmers to retired folk. I haven't seen bullying on HN but it's worth noting that I don't consider disagreement to be bullying. Words have meanings. One cool thing about HN is that the community largely leans towards precision and clarity with less tolerance for hype and fluff. There is no DM functionality built into HN - as i…

Eh. It is what it is.

We have different points of view.

One of my personal philosophies, is that I stand behind my words. I don’t hide behind anonymity (I’m a reformed troll -this was not always my personal credo). I make it easy to verify (or refute), anything I say, and do my best to treat community venues with respect.

I do know that there are some folks here that seem to be obsessively in hate with me. I’m not exactly sure what I’ve done, to earn their regard, but at least one of them, has tried taking their rancor “offline.” Didn’t really do much damage, and hasn’t caused me to change my approach. I've had literal axe murderers angry with me, IRL, so some Internet Tough Guy Magazine cover model isn't going to rattle me much.

It has, however, confirmed to me, that this place is not above some fairly childish behavior.

Re: Find Your People

#286

Post by gilbetron »

rufus_foreman wrote: post #145
gilbetron wrote: post #139

> You fall into three groups She lost me at that statement. I hate these kind of reductive statements that are presented as a thoughtful statement. There are vastly more than three groups in that audience (granted, it is self-selected elite University, so the number of groups is still constrained comparatively).

She mentions "want ambitious plans, have ambitious plans", "don't want ambitious plans, don't have ambitious plans" and "want ambitious plans, don't have ambitious plans". What are the vast number of groups outside of that set? Of course there's "have ambitious plans, don't want ambitious plans", which would probably be more interesting than the other three, but what are the other missing groups?

People aren't binary - there isn't just two groups of "want ambitious plans" and "don't want ambitious plans". It is reductive, there's all kinds of beliefs and desires between those two points. "want ambitious plans but needs to take care of aging parents" or "would like ambitious plans if it doesn't mean selling their soul" or any amount of nuance.

Re: Find Your People

#287

Post by smeej »

specialist wrote: post #284
smeej wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, but the other symptoms don't line up. Screenings I've had have been negative. It seems more likely that I have complex trauma from gestation, birth, infancy, and early childhood that really threw a monkeywrench into my neurological development. What we're trying to figure out now is whether I have enough neuroplasticity left at this stage for it to be recoverable, or if I'm just going to be like this forever. I…

> have enough neuroplasticity I think so. It's hard. But doable. I've reprogrammed myself at least 4 times so far (now 57yo). Most recently, a few years ago, I went thru Swedish Hospital's Pain Clinic program. Synthesis of all the life skills recommended for trauma, mental health, and ADHD, plus some new ones for pain management. I don't even believe this woo woo stuff even works. Yet it worked on me despite my skept…

I think there's probably major overlap between "woo woo" and "all the stuff we don't understand about the brain yet," at least when it comes to woo woo effects on our own bodies.

Honestly, though, the hard part is figuring out which strategies are likely to work, and which are only woo woo, and then testing the theory. When things feel like they are getting worse, it's extremely hard to tell when they're "getting worse so they can get better" versus "getting worse because this is absolutely the wrong path and I'm hurting myself." It often takes years to be able to tell, and then I'm having to try to make decisions with whatever lower capacity I have then than when I started, so I'm even less likely to decide well.

As someone who's reprogrammed yourself (presumably favorably?) four times, any pointers for figuring out what the right paths are, or who are the right guides to follow?

Re: Find Your People

#288

Post by specialist »

smeej wrote: post #287
specialist wrote: post #284

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> have enough neuroplasticity I think so. It's hard. But doable. I've reprogrammed myself at least 4 times so far (now 57yo). Most recently, a few years ago, I went thru Swedish Hospital's Pain Clinic program. Synthesis of all the life skills recommended for trauma, mental health, and ADHD, plus some new ones for pain management. I don't even believe this woo woo stuff even works. Yet it worked on me despite my skept…

I think there's probably major overlap between "woo woo" and "all the stuff we don't understand about the brain yet," at least when it comes to woo woo effects on our own bodies. Honestly, though, the hard part is figuring out which strategies are likely to work, and which are only woo woo, and then testing the theory. When things feel like they are getting worse, it's extremely hard to tell when they're "getting wor…

I can barely take credit for my reprogrammings. They were mostly done under duress, when I had run out of options.

#1 I was just a kid. Mostly an attitude adjustment. I remember wanting to join society. I was pretty into Jesus at the time, so the phrase 'God helps those who helps themselves" resonated with me.

#2 Post divorce, I finally addressed my anger. I had already tried All The Things. Met a terrific therapist who turned me onto the book When Anger Hurts. I had nothing left to lose, so I read it. Super eureka.

But I still had the habit of anger. And no clue what to do about it.

Then I unwittingly reinvented the notion "fake it til you make it". I pretended to be happy. Mostly to fit in and maybe spare my son from all my baggage. At first the words were sarcastic. About 3 years later I woke up and was surprised the words were sincere. Wow, when did that happen?! Some time later I learned this is a known technique.

#3 My activist phase. Years into it, I ran for political office. I play to win. So I LARPed as a politician. eg No more vulgarity. Over time you no longer notice you're "faking it". Now, much later, it's like code switching.

This was the only instance when I deliberately changed with a goal personality in mind.

#4 Doing the Pain Services stuff, what I call "Pain College". It was seminar format and cramming a lot of information. Because of insurance (coverage), we only learned well established skills and techniques. More than any individual skill, most of which I had dabbled with, they advocate a regiment. Plus, I think, understanding the best available science -- neuroplasticity, pain is protection, "don't get mad; get curious", other stuff I don't quickly remember -- is somehow empowering.

Note that I thought it was all BS. I was super pissed my care givers wouldn't do a surgery (that I'll eventually need) and suggested Pain Services.

But I had completely run out of options. So I decided if I had to jump thru yet another hoop, then so be it. I'll just go thru the motions.

Fortunately, we patients get an immediate (very modest) benefit. (Which could just be placebo, right?) But maybe, just maybe it's working, thereby keeping me engaged.

Imagine my surprise when ~3 months later when my body released a dump truck full of pain, guarding behavior, anxiety. I really can't explained what happened, I have no words.

Trying to articulate it: it was like decades of bottled up pain (mental, physical) was uncorked.

Happily, I've steadily "improved" since. I'm still in a huge amount of pain. But it's somehow less emotional, less debilitating.

--

So I guess that's my long way of saying that in my case, for the very needful transformations, I didn't seek it out, have any hope.

Since you're already aware of neuroplasticity (sign of an open mind), I'm sure you'll achive better results more quickly.

Re: Find Your People

#289

Post by Karrot_Kream »

bradlys wrote: post #257
Karrot_Kream wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You say that, until you start spending those hundred dollar bills on therapy. I'm only being a bit silly here, a pretty high number of these folks are in therapy dealing with the alienation they feel over their life for being forced into a career path they felt like they had no choice in.

You say this like the people in poverty are any happier. They're not. The people from these rich schools that go on to have lives where they have ample money and resources are also likely more capable of overcoming emotional struggles .

I don’t. I can’t actually tell who is happier, I honestly see both sides of it being full of pain. The human condition is difficult.

Re: Find Your People

#290

Post by pc86 »

dartharva wrote: post #196
pc86 wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Ms. Livingston graduated around when I did. I can't think of anything that I (or she) did to launch a career, either pre- or post-graduation that would be applicable to someone graduating today. Really? Not a single thing? Not "work hard," or "be curious," or "be willing to fail or be wrong?" Those aren't genetic qualities, they can be taught and they can be learned. I don't know when you graduated but I've been wo…

How about you actually go to today's college environments and talk to young people of this generation first? Look at how their life is, and what trends are affecting them firsthand? Would be much better than making wild declarations out of nowhere.

Your snarky comment seems to imply I haven't, which you have no way of knowing (and which also happens to be completely false).

Perhaps save your wild declarations out of nowhere as well.

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