The biology of dads • Hacker News Board

Re: The biology of dads

#281

Post by vadyalex » Fri, Nov 20, 2020, 12:13 AM UTC

CalRobert wrote: post #154

knuthsat wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's stuff like this that makes me believe even more in my opinion that the world is just not built for parents. I just cannot believe this is what family life needs to be.

It really isn't. If nothing else, nuclear families and living in isolation are dumb. I'd really prefer to live next door (or in the same house as) a grandparent, maybe uncle/aunt, etc. and we could share the childcare burden - watching 4 kids for half a day would be a lot better than 2 kids all day. Nevermind that if they play on the street - a perfectly normal activity before cars - a driver will kill them :-(

Totally agree!

I believe social and cultural norms changed over last century at least in West and this trend is mimicked by so called "developing countries" making parents isolated, tired and frustrated; add technological burden for kids not spending their developing time running around exploring world but be hooked to single pair or worst single adult because of all the danger increases amount of stress average parent has to cope with.. add to this how unnecessary stressful in some aspects modern became.

Re: The biology of dads

#282

Post by sizzle » Tue, Nov 24, 2020, 10:04 AM UTC

touisteur wrote: post #277

sizzle wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That you'd be happier never knowing? I'm curious what some insights are you learned from your journey.

Not the parent but the birth of my kids and their growing up 'caused' a cascade childhood trauma to bubble up. It was overwhelming for months and it messed me up for years, including bouts of depression and lots of trauma purges. Not the kids' doing, just some mirror effect, situations triggering and unlocking memories. And I feel it's even worse if you try alternative, progressive education methods, that give lots o…

The is very profound, thank you for sharing what to expect. I also share childhood trauma and your perspective on the current generation and state of what is acceptable in parenting as being a little too alien in comparison to my childhood where my parents were manipulative and addicted to their own vices so I escaped playing outside all day with neighborhood friends. Nowadays helicopter parenting, ubiquitous computing/gaming, phone/social media addiction and instant gratification have eroded the working memory of the younger generation. It's only time until we realize it's akin to drug addiction and the smoking kills revelation of our times.

Re: The biology of dads

#283

Post by touisteur » Fri, Nov 27, 2020, 12:43 AM UTC

sizzle wrote: post #282

touisteur wrote: post #277

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not the parent but the birth of my kids and their growing up 'caused' a cascade childhood trauma to bubble up. It was overwhelming for months and it messed me up for years, including bouts of depression and lots of trauma purges. Not the kids' doing, just some mirror effect, situations triggering and unlocking memories. And I feel it's even worse if you try alternative, progressive education methods, that give lots o…

The is very profound, thank you for sharing what to expect. I also share childhood trauma and your perspective on the current generation and state of what is acceptable in parenting as being a little too alien in comparison to my childhood where my parents were manipulative and addicted to their own vices so I escaped playing outside all day with neighborhood friends. Nowadays helicopter parenting, ubiquitous computi…

Heavy but hopeful reading: https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/self/trauma-and-cptsd-10...

"[...] each time psychology, psychiatry, and psychotherapy have begun to take trauma seriously, it has been shut down by people denying that it’s even a thing, and suggesting that those who are traumatised are making it up or exaggerating its impact. When Freud first published a paper pointing out that most of the people with mental health struggles he was working with had experienced childhood and/or adult sexual abuse and assault, he was ignored and shut down. He went on to shift to a theory that suggested his patients had fantasised those things: they couldn’t possibly actually had happened. This is pretty terrifying now that we know the statistics on the prevalence of abuse and assault."

My new therapist asks 2-3x per session 'but no one raised a fuss with CPS'? What? I was very well treated compared to most kids from my neighbourhood & cohort. I was fed, clothed, and my health was somehow cared for, at least when obviously sick. Sleeping in my own bed in a stable home, a roof over my head. Not to much abuse, at least not everyday. Most of my mates didn't have this luck. The slaps in school by their parents, the pulled hair or ears to obtain compliance, the insults, pushing around, threats of sleeping on the ground or outside, the black eyes, belt scars, the never washed clothes and body, the 'forgotten' breakfasts or dinners, the rotten teeth, the neglected vision problems...

I mean it wasn't Oliver Twist but some of us had it GOOD.

Gimme helicopter parenting and too many activities. The pendulum hasn't swung that much on that side than it had on the other...

Sorry, I hate the 'helicopter parenting' expression.

FWIW I agree about our modern vices. Phones, twitter, HN, everything-gamification...

Re: The biology of dads

#284

Post by sizzle » Fri, Nov 27, 2020, 1:14 AM UTC

touisteur wrote: post #283

sizzle wrote: post #282

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The is very profound, thank you for sharing what to expect. I also share childhood trauma and your perspective on the current generation and state of what is acceptable in parenting as being a little too alien in comparison to my childhood where my parents were manipulative and addicted to their own vices so I escaped playing outside all day with neighborhood friends. Nowadays helicopter parenting, ubiquitous computi…

Heavy but hopeful reading: https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/self/trauma-and-cptsd-10... "[...] each time psychology, psychiatry, and psychotherapy have begun to take trauma seriously, it has been shut down by people denying that it’s even a thing, and suggesting that those who are traumatised are making it up or exaggerating its impact. When Freud first published a paper pointing out that most of the people with m…

Yeah for me it was alcohol addiction and escapism, verbal abuse and unloving home environment that really messes with your head as a kid and is hard to understand the long term implications to my mental well being. I am slowly unraveling the issues that manifest themselves in my adult life through guided CBT. Poverty and drug addicted parents was a common theme among my childhood friends.

Re: The biology of dads

#285

Post by touisteur » Fri, Nov 27, 2020, 1:55 PM UTC

sizzle wrote: post #284

touisteur wrote: post #283

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Heavy but hopeful reading: https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/self/trauma-and-cptsd-10... "[...] each time psychology, psychiatry, and psychotherapy have begun to take trauma seriously, it has been shut down by people denying that it’s even a thing, and suggesting that those who are traumatised are making it up or exaggerating its impact. When Freud first published a paper pointing out that most of the people with m…

Yeah for me it was alcohol addiction and escapism, verbal abuse and unloving home environment that really messes with your head as a kid and is hard to understand the long term implications to my mental well being. I am slowly unraveling the issues that manifest themselves in my adult life through guided CBT. Poverty and drug addicted parents was a common theme among my childhood friends.

Good luck on your path and if anything, for all the pain and work and worry kids can be (and twins can be a handful), they're also so much... Love and fun :-) it took some time for me to believe it was directed at me, but love like this is overwhelming and life-transforming.

It doesn't have to be a great perfect day, just two minutes or twenty seconds of a hug with a person who loves and cares for you unconditionally, and you back... It's... powerful. Moving. Like a gift from you to you, and a gift to the world, trying to raise new beaming, can-do, positive-energy to build the world of tomorrow. It sounds silly but I believe the phrase.

Cheers.