Thanks to the article for pointing out what to avoid as I hone my skill of Violent Communication. And by all means embrace it people! So I can stand out more from the crowd.
Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
281–290 of 355 posts
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#282Earlier quoted context omitted.
Absolutely. Social threat triggers the exact same pain response wiring in the brain as physical violence.
Hurt feelings are not violence. By that logic, the existence of gay people is violence against religious fundamentalists.
No, they're not violence. They are a possible consequence of it.
Violence, as per my dictionary, requires intentional action (but is not necessarily physical). The existence of gay people is not intentional, and therefore is not an act of violence against religious fundamentalists.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#283We have been trained to use this sort of thing (named differently but essentially the same thing) for when giving performance feedback (especially for very-junior and interns etc).
In the meeting today you This made me feel annoyed because I would have preferred you to
Facts and specific examples are super useful in these sort of things.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#284The term "nonviolent communication" is itself violent, because it implies everyone not following their method is a bad person.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#285The term "nonviolent communication" is itself violent, because it implies everyone not following their method is a bad person.
No it doesn't.
There has to be terms for different commination styles. Some terms relate to an increase socialization and others a decrease. People can learn more effective communication styles, improve their relationships, and live happier lives.
None of this is a value statement about any individual's character.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#286Earlier quoted context omitted.
These feel ill formed NVC. If you lead with feeling the entire exchange becomes confrontational. First state unambiguous facts.
Yeah for sure. One fundamental rule of NVC is to never state a feeling as being caused by anyone. Instead you state that something happened and what you felt when that happened. So the template is "this and this happened and I felt this and this emotion". Not "you did this and this and you made me feel this and this". This way you take responsibility for your own emotions, and don't make anyone else defensive or conf…
I'm unfamiliar with NVC, but I've always held that you are, like you said, responsible for your emotions. I've tried with all my kids to teach them that. "She made me angry!" "No, nobody can make you feel anything, you are in charge of how you feel. What did they do that made you choose to be angry?"
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#287If you're in software development, especially on a development team, these ideas about nonviolent communication (NVC) may be able to help you and your team. The approach is: observe facts -> note feelings -> uncover desires -> make requests. For software development, I recommend a NVC approach called "Crucial Conversations". I summarize it on my repo. https://github.com/joelparkerhenderson/crucial_conversations
Please no. That reads like a cheat sheet for sociopaths. Conversations between good actors don't need to be engineered. These techniques are probably great if you're a police officer, lawyer, executive, or salesperson, but let's not turn our workplaces into that internally. I'm also in software development, and especially in this field, just talk directly to people. If you find that you can't connect with your team a…
> just talk directly to people
This is usually code when people just like to be assholes. Building software requires communication with people. Dealing with all people, even engineers, requires tact. Having a framework for how to deal with people in general is great, even better is knowing your team so well that you can adjust to each individual.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#288The term "nonviolent communication" is itself violent, because it implies everyone not following their method is a bad person.
No it doesn't. There has to be terms for different commination styles. Some terms relate to an increase socialization and others a decrease. People can learn more effective communication styles, improve their relationships, and live happier lives. None of this is a value statement about any individual's character.
The way the name reads to me is that if you aren't following their styles, then your communication is violent.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#289Earlier quoted context omitted.
> We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. Reactions like that tell me once again that a lot of people really underestimate simple stuff like this. I hope that in the future simple and useful psychology topics will find their way into our schools so that the acceptance and understanding for the usefulnes…
Or maybe when you pick your words carefully to get desired reactions it is manipulative. I'd rather not manipulate others, it leads to me oftentimes sticking my foot in my mouth, but at least others know what I am thinking and I know I'm not lying to others for personal gain.
A few points Re speaking your mind:
- Talking is an incomplete way capturing your thoughts. (Gets progressively worse with videos / phone calls / emails / telegrams ...). You will never capture all you're thinking in a few words. So IMO speaking your mind is essentially blurting what's floating on the top rather than actually speaking your mind. You probably can see how that can strain a conversation.
- Believe it or not, Communication is a 2 way problem: It doesn't matter even if you perfectly capture it, if the other party ain't listening. Or is only listening to cherry pick metaphors to rant on. Even if they are listening, the first few aggro sentences (or some that are sandwiched) can set them off - making them non-receptive to the rest. Again another reason people try to pick their words carefully so that they can put their best foot forward.
-A world where clairvoyance is the norm is where speaking your mind may make sense: Otherwise you are one of the few who is baring his soul every time while others are picking a time and place. Good or bad, I am sure you see this puts you at a great disadvantage.
- When bad news is delivered, we all process it differently. One of the common mechanics is attacking the messenger in some way or other OR trying to blame the messenger for delivering it badly. Again something to keep in mind when talking.
- Life is grey: If you want to define careful words as manipulation, that's polarizing the situation. In reality it could be manipulation or just plain old 'being careful'.
I am not going to be able to convince you in one post :) neither can I tell you how to live your life. These have been some of my observations that moved me from a 'speak your mind' person to a lot more 'reasonable' person model. So HTH!
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#290Earlier quoted context omitted.
No it doesn't. There has to be terms for different commination styles. Some terms relate to an increase socialization and others a decrease. People can learn more effective communication styles, improve their relationships, and live happier lives. None of this is a value statement about any individual's character.
The way the name reads to me is that if you aren't following their styles, then your communication is violent.
Maybe it's just your internal emotions making you think the title is suggesting something it isn't. Maybe you should read the article.