Ask HN: Are you ok?

I always have been, generally, which is what makes it so jarring right now.

I'm overworked and jaded at my current job. It's completely demoralizing to see red flags and systemic problems everywhere, bring them up to trusted confidants (and gently to the people who matter), and see nothing done about it. The management seems to be completely divorced from the reality of the situation.

I know I can quit and can probably find greener pastures elsewhere, but imposter syndrome and stress in my home life is grinding me down.

I know I'm competent, I think. I've learned so much being an autodidact, and am ~5 years into my SDE career, but my lack of a proper CS degree always feels like a blemish on the CV when I apply to jobs. This anxiety blossoms into complete fear during the interview process where I freeze up.

In my home life, I feel like I'm the sole provider and I have to do everything. My girlfriend, who I love very much and want to ideally spend the rest of my life with, has an overwhelming phobia of rejection and most likely undiagnosed depression, which is making it impossible to find a job. I work all day/ a lot of nights more recently, come home and have to clean/cook/etc., otherwise I feel like nothing will get done.

I have enormous anxiety about the future, financially, emotionally. How can I provide for two people, two cats, get a house on my current salary, let alone bringing children into the picture, which is what we want more than anything.

I've been leaning on drugs (adderall, kratom, nicotine) more than I should and smoking actual cigarettes again. I feel like I'm a slave to my environment and don't know what to do.

I just want to be happy and have security for my family. I want to pursue my old hobbies (making games, music production), etc. without feeling like they're an escape while everything around me crumbles.

Anyways, thanks for listening.

To be able to even get to the point of having 20k in savings, you must have an incredible safety net in terms of both society and family that allows that to happen. You are incredibly privileged to have been able to even save that kind of money, let alone take a year and live with it.

I say it because for me, it's true.

I've been in therapy for the last six months, figuring that it a more constructive way of coping with being a middle-aged man than getting a mistress or a motorcycle.

You know what I learned yesterday? I learned that I've been autistic my whole damn life, and never got properly diagnosed.

I got into tech because when everybody around me told I was a selfish, misanthropic asshole, I believed them. When the adults around me told me by getting into tech I wouldn't have to deal with people, I believed them, too.

My entire adult life is built on one half-truth and one outright lie.

The lie is that getting into tech would let me avoid dealing with people. I think everybody here knows that that is arrant bullshit.

The half-truth is that while I do often come across as selfish and misanthropic, it's possible that these qualities can be attributed in part to having grown up with an undiagnosed autistic spectrum disorder.

I've spent my entire life faking it, burning myself out to pass for neurotypical while also pretending to be passionate about building yet another government web application with ETL and batch processing. If you were me, you might wish for the Butlerian Jihad too.

Oh, and I work for Accenture. Work there long enough and you'll start thinking that maybe the Wobblies[1] have the right idea.

1: https://iww.org