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Nine things I learned in ninety years

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Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#271

Post by miguelxt »

AaronAPU wrote: post #171
ErigmolCt wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's wild how much of what we chalk up to merit is really just the invisible scaffolding of luck: being born in the right place, with the right wiring, at the right time...

If things generally worked out very well for you, it feels good to believe you got there because of your virtues, and that those who didn’t got there because of their vices. It’s the narrative of least resistance.

While I do agree with your opinion, I think the opposite is also true. It feels good to believe you didn't get there because "The game is rigged", "You have to be born lucky", "The house always wins", etc, etc. This defeatist/powerless way of thinking may in fact make it worse for you. When hope is lost, what's left?

Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#272

Post by bdangubic »

mfro wrote: post #252
getpost wrote: post #231

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're lucky to have that perspective.

What are you trying to say with this, that you disagree, or that it's an intelligent perspective afforded to those who are not hopeless? I don't see how anyone can disagree that the aggregate actions of your parents, your locality, your culture, your nation, play the largest role in the cards you are dealt from the beginning.

> If we make choices based on not just what's best for ourselves but what's best for all of us, we will all suddenly become more "lucky".

I personally know handful of extremely lucky people who spent their entire lives doing the exact opposite of this

Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#273

Post by Night_Thastus »

grugagag wrote: post #218
silexia wrote: post #155

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having children is the literal purpose of all life forms. Birth control is the worst thing that humanity has invented.

Birth control is not to not have children but to control when you have children.

Sort of...

Many people do not want to hear this. Many would point to economic factors as the main problem.

But I think that when people are educated about the risks and responsibilities of parenthood and given the choice of doing so (birth control, abortion, etc.) - the simple fact is that they CHOOSE not have enough kids to meet the replacement rate.

The reason you can see this is because the lowering birth rates aren't limited to one or two countries. It is every industrialized country. Every single one. If the issues were purely economic, those countries with amazing parental leave and better social nets would avoid the problem - but they don't.

I'm not sure what that kind of future for humanity will look like long term. It will be an interesting reckoning in ~100-200 years.

Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#274

Post by PTOB »

km144 wrote: post #262
throw0101c wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> This speaks to me. So much of our life circumstances are beyond our control (parents, genetics, geography, society, wider economy, etc.) Philosopher John Rawls made this a key point for this thinking: * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luck_egalitarianism * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Rawls#A_Theory_of_Justice

> According to this view, justice demands that variations in how well-off people are should be wholly determined by the responsible choices people make and not by differences in their unchosen circumstances. Luck egalitarianism expresses that it is a bad thing for some people to be worse off than others through no fault of their own. When I see this line of reasoning, it leads me down the road of determinism instead.…

This is a great question. One of the hardest lessons I've learned is that some people don't know that the choices they're making are going to hurt them.

There are children who are actively taught by the people they should be able to trust that belligerence, lying, and stealing will get them what they need in life. On the other side of the coin, there are children who are taught to assume that everyone else has the up-bringing and or at least the natural intelligence needed to enable good choices every time a moral dilemma is presented. Both - it turns out - are equally short-sighted.

What's worse is that many of us assume that others can easily change their entire worldview on a dime. In the middle of my life, I'm coming to accept that I need more years that will be available to me to fix all the broken parts of my psyche and intellect.

Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#275

Post by elmomle »

spacebuffer wrote: post #265

> 3) to consider what others may be thinking and feeling Personally I find myself often considering how other people might feel too much and end up being a people pleaser, so I need to work on that aspect of my social skills

It's really essential that one have (1) down (to be self-constituted) down in order for (3) not to lead to a circle of confusion. If I feel very assured in my own relationship with the universe, that doesn't depend on how anybody else sees me, and my security does not depend on others being happy with me. And when I don't need to make anybody happy, connection and compassion arise naturally from a place of curiosity--there are feelings of abundance and security underlying it rather than confusion or anxiety.

That sounds simple but the self-constitution part takes years of serious searching and work; some things (good therapists, good meditation teachers, good books, consistent practice, etc.) help the journey along, but there is no quick route.

Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#277

Post by sp1nningaway »

spacebuffer wrote: post #265

> 3) to consider what others may be thinking and feeling Personally I find myself often considering how other people might feel too much and end up being a people pleaser, so I need to work on that aspect of my social skills

As a lifelong obsequious people pleaser, I have realized that I make it about me by trying to figure out what people want from me, or I'm focused on how I can look better in their eyes. Instead, truly trying to understand how someone is feeling and reflecting that to them has been so much more gratifying for me (and hopefully for my friends and family.)

Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#278

Post by cindyllm »

sp1nningaway wrote: post #277
spacebuffer wrote: post #265

> 3) to consider what others may be thinking and feeling Personally I find myself often considering how other people might feel too much and end up being a people pleaser, so I need to work on that aspect of my social skills

As a lifelong obsequious people pleaser, I have realized that I make it about me by trying to figure out what people want from me, or I'm focused on how I can look better in their eyes. Instead, truly trying to understand how someone is feeling and reflecting that to them has been so much more gratifying for me (and hopefully for my friends and family.)

[dead]

Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#279

Post by AaronAPU »

miguelxt wrote: post #271
AaronAPU wrote: post #171

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If things generally worked out very well for you, it feels good to believe you got there because of your virtues, and that those who didn’t got there because of their vices. It’s the narrative of least resistance.

While I do agree with your opinion, I think the opposite is also true. It feels good to believe you didn't get there because "The game is rigged", "You have to be born lucky", "The house always wins", etc, etc. This defeatist/powerless way of thinking may in fact make it worse for you. When hope is lost, what's left?

Sounds like we agree with each other!

Re: Nine things I learned in ninety years

#280

Post by pridkett »

Kurtz79 wrote: post #40

Since he might not be known to most (especially a younger audience), the author is a writer best known for many of the Choose Your Own Adventure books that were hugely successful in the 80s. Jimmy Maher wrote about them recently https://www.filfre.net/2025/09/choose-your-own-adventure/

I was pleased that at my local toy store (yes, we still have one, The Time Machine in Manchester, CT) they carry Choose Your Own Adventure books. What’s more, last week we picked up a copy of “The Cave of Time”. So many memories of that book growing up.
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