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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#271

Post by em-bee »

3pt14159 wrote: post #262
throwoutway wrote: post #230

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I brought one that someone else wrote for me on my first date with my now wife. Why would you bring a poem someone wrote you to a first date?

It's kinda a long story, but there is a semi-well known poet in Toronto that writes poetry for hire and she works near a park that we both walk by with some frequency. I described how I felt about the person I was about to go on a date with, but told the poet not to write directly about my date, but to use it as inspiration for a story of some kind. I can't really describe how I knew it would go over well, but I knew…

i thought that poem was by a previous friend about you, but instead it was commissioned by you specifically for this date. that makes a lot more sense and is a rather lovely idea.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#272

Post by em-bee »

alexashka wrote: post #264
0xbadcafebee wrote: post #241

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Gratitude, the definition of the word, means "a feeling of appreciation (or similar positive response) by a recipient of another's kindness, gifts, help, favours, or other form of generosity to the giver of such gifts". It is a feeling you get when you appreciate something about some one / some thing other than yourself. Expressing gratitude is communicating that feeling, typically out of a desire to share the feelin…

Think through what the opposite of gratitude would be. Gratitude is when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, for your benefit, roughly speaking. What about when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, to others, but not you? What do we call that? Get it? The key ingredient is who gets the goodies? That's what narcissism is, preoccupation with what I'm getting in relation to others. You can…

i get feelings of gratitude when i feel better than i felt before. there is no comparing to others involved.

feeling gratitude is not at all narcissistic.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#273

Post by NetOpWibby »

wizofaus wrote: post #269
NetOpWibby wrote: post #266

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Our situation is very much the same. In fact, it was constantly seeing my wife check-in with her family that encouraged me to do the same. About a month ago I called my grandmother and had a two-hour convo and I learned that my mother never wanted her to have my number, for whatever reason. I regret not thinking of reaching out to her sooner but we're both glad I did. My parents divorced when I was 13 or so but dual-…

"I did NOT have a college fund and was subsequently removed from campus" -- wait, what? This is a thing in the US? We don't even have "college funds" in Australia but if you don't pay your uni fees you just won't get a degree, nobody's going to physically remove you from anywhere, that seems nuts...

Yeah so for us in the States, the concept of a college fund is just a bank account that parents deposit money into over the course of a child's life so when they reach college age there isn't anxiety about the cost of college.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#274

Post by _kyran »

null_shift wrote: post #256
NetOpWibby wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the…

I’d be interested to hear more. I have come to realize that I am very self centered, but I can’t quite figure out why. I tend to get very caught up and focused on what is going on in my life and never stop to think about others. It is more that the thought never occurs to me, as opposed to me consciously prioritizing myself over others. My wife on the other hand is very thoughtful, always checking in on others to see…

Have you ever considered whether you may have ADHD?

Not saying it’s the case. But if so, that would be an explanation that would make sense to me.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#275

Post by wizofaus »

NetOpWibby wrote: post #273
wizofaus wrote: post #269

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"I did NOT have a college fund and was subsequently removed from campus" -- wait, what? This is a thing in the US? We don't even have "college funds" in Australia but if you don't pay your uni fees you just won't get a degree, nobody's going to physically remove you from anywhere, that seems nuts...

Yeah so for us in the States, the concept of a college fund is just a bank account that parents deposit money into over the course of a child's life so when they reach college age there isn't anxiety about the cost of college.

I assumed as much, but why would a student get physically removed from campus just because they didn't have one??

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#276

Post by 0xbadcafebee »

alexashka wrote: post #264
0xbadcafebee wrote: post #241

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Gratitude, the definition of the word, means "a feeling of appreciation (or similar positive response) by a recipient of another's kindness, gifts, help, favours, or other form of generosity to the giver of such gifts". It is a feeling you get when you appreciate something about some one / some thing other than yourself. Expressing gratitude is communicating that feeling, typically out of a desire to share the feelin…

Think through what the opposite of gratitude would be. Gratitude is when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, for your benefit, roughly speaking. What about when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, to others, but not you? What do we call that? Get it? The key ingredient is who gets the goodies? That's what narcissism is, preoccupation with what I'm getting in relation to others. You can…

That logic would mean that any good feeling is narcissism. Which would defeat the purpose of the word narcissism. You would just say "I feel narcissistic" instead of "I feel good" or "I am thankful that I feel good". The only way to know what "good" is, is to compare it to "bad". Any feeling at all would be a comparison against the opposite state your past self felt, so literally any feeling at all would be narcissism. But it's...... not.

Narcissism is an excessive interest in one's physical appearance or image, and an excessive preoccupation with one's own needs. It is excessive self-interest, not any self-interest at all.

Example 1: Self-preservation is the interest in preserving the self over others. But it is not narcissism to consider what you need to keep yourself alive and healthy, before you consider others' welfare. It would be narcissism if somebody was drowning and you first needed to look at your reflection in the water before you tried to save them.

Example 2: If you say "I want you to know that I really enjoyed those cookies you gave me," you are considering your own self-interest, but only in the context of trying to communicate a feeling of joy to the other party with the intent of causing them joy (that they gave you joy). In that case your interest was actually in the other party, not yourself, even if the origin of the act came from a reflection of your own pleasure. On the other hand, it would be narcissism to go on a 30 minute rant of how exactly you want cookies to be made that the other party never asked for.

Example 3: Thinking "I am not currently on fire" and being happy about that is a reflection on one's desires, but not an excessive one. On the other hand, sitting for 30 minutes just wallowing in the feeling of your superiority for not being on fire, or telling other people how great it is that you're not on fire [when nobody asked], would probably border on narcissism. It would definitely be narcissism to tell a burn victim that you are happy you are not on fire.

Also:

> What about when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, to others, but not you? What do we call that?

Doing a good deed? Compersion? Joy? Compassion? Sympathy? Mudita? Mitfreude? What were you trying to imply it was?

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#277

Post by slowmovintarget »

alexashka wrote: post #264
0xbadcafebee wrote: post #241

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Gratitude, the definition of the word, means "a feeling of appreciation (or similar positive response) by a recipient of another's kindness, gifts, help, favours, or other form of generosity to the giver of such gifts". It is a feeling you get when you appreciate something about some one / some thing other than yourself. Expressing gratitude is communicating that feeling, typically out of a desire to share the feelin…

Think through what the opposite of gratitude would be. Gratitude is when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, for your benefit, roughly speaking. What about when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, to others, but not you? What do we call that? Get it? The key ingredient is who gets the goodies? That's what narcissism is, preoccupation with what I'm getting in relation to others. You can…

> Gratitude is when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, for your benefit, roughly speaking.

This is incorrect. You have a definition error.

GRAT'ITUDE, noun [Latin gratitudo, from gratus, pleasing. See Grace.]

An emotion of the heart, excited by a favor or benefit received; a sentiment of kindness or good will towards a benefactor; thankfulness. gratitude is an agreeable emotion, consisting in or accompanied with good will to a benefactor, and a disposition to make a suitable return of benefits or services, or when no return can be made, with a desire to see the benefactor prosperous and happy. gratitude is a virtue of the highest excellence, as it implies a feeling and generous heart, and a proper sense of duty.

KINDNESS, noun [from kind, the adjective.]

1. Good will; benevolence; that temper or disposition which delights in contributing to the happiness of others, which is exercised cheerfully in gratifying their wishes, supplying their wants or alleviating their distresses; benignity of nature. kindness ever accompanies love.

There is no man whose kindness we may not sometime want, or by whose malice we may not sometime suffer.

2. Act of good will; beneficence; any act of benevolence which promotes the happiness or welfare of others. Charity, hospitality, attentions to the wants of others, etc., are deemed acts of kindness or kindnesses

NARCISSISM, noun

An exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself.

----

There's an important word in that definition of narcissism: "exceptional." Showing gratitude cannot constitute narcissism as such.

Please stop trying to redefine words.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#278

Post by alexashka »

slowmovintarget wrote: post #277
alexashka wrote: post #264

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Think through what the opposite of gratitude would be. Gratitude is when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, for your benefit, roughly speaking. What about when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, to others, but not you? What do we call that? Get it? The key ingredient is who gets the goodies? That's what narcissism is, preoccupation with what I'm getting in relation to others. You can…

> Gratitude is when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, for your benefit, roughly speaking. This is incorrect. You have a definition error. GRAT'ITUDE, noun [Latin gratitudo, from gratus, pleasing. See Grace.] An emotion of the heart, excited by a favor or benefit received; a sentiment of kindness or good will towards a benefactor; thankfulness. gratitude is an agreeable emotion, consisting in or acco…

Words don't have an objective, immutable meaning that you get to present as facts.

I am however going to concede and withdraw my further participation on the matter.

You may find this interesting: https://philosophyforchange.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/meaning...

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#279

Post by xupybd »

xwdv wrote: post #251
wnolens wrote: post #221

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. > This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do If…

My advice is date a lot of women, to get an idea of what you like. Then after that, the next best one you find that comes closest to what you like, marry that one and settle down. Forget about finding anyone better, they may be out there, but you don’t have the time and your lives may not be compatible.

Sounds similar to this https://www.npr.org/sections/krulwich/2014/05/15/312537965/h...

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#280

Post by eric4smith »

kixiQu wrote: post #248
eric4smith wrote: post #247

Writing a note every day is just pedestalizing your partner unless it’s bidirectional. Also, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a real thing. So very bad advice if it’s just one way. That’s actually si*p behavior. Very good advice if it’s symmetrical.

The underlying value here seems to be that good communication is absolutely essential. The kind of person who goes into SEO blogging professionally is likely a very comfortable writer. It may be that one person is better able to express themselves in a written form, and one person is better able to express themselves orally. It sounds like this isn't really about the ceremony of the note - they're handling household…

That's implied.
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