271–280 of 355 posts
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Can speech cause harm?
Absolutely. Social threat triggers the exact same pain response wiring in the brain as physical violence.
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The linked page has four steps, the last of which is "make requests".
That's what makes it passive-aggressive, it can be perceived as three steps of manipulation to get to a fourth step. If your ultimate intent is to make a request, then make a request.
I think there are technical people who just care about getting things done and other people who need to have a nice package, because they want their feelings not to be hurt. These are the people who start their requests in chat with "Hi, how are you? Do you have time, I need something ..."
The only way to communicate with these people is NVC.
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Violent communication is hitting someone to make a point. The name of this is insulting.
Violence isn't always physical.
I learned this at a company retreat at some point. We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. It takes a little care and thought to apply it well. I've found when done effectively, it can unlock difficult conversations and turn even the most hostile interactions into productive conversations. You are demon…
> We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. Reactions like that tell me once again that a lot of people really underestimate simple stuff like this. I hope that in the future simple and useful psychology topics will find their way into our schools so that the acceptance and understanding for the usefulnes…
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NVC is a great framework. I've watched the 9 hour training by Marshall Rosenberg on YouTube more than once, and I keep finding ways that it can be useful in all relationships. It's basically a way to be both non-passive-aggressive and compassionate, while having boundaries. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPNVcESwoWu4lI9C3bhkY...
> It's basically a way to be both non-passive-aggressive and compassionate But the examples given as "observation" read as passive-aggressive to me. Whether you say "Eleanor procrastinates" or "Eleanor wait to do all her studying the night before the exam" it's still the same thing. If you hear this type of comment regularly (eg you have ADHD) then it'll still affect you negatively.
It is not. The latter is a fact. The former is an interpretation of that fact showing how the person saying it judges this fact. If you perceive the former while someone says the latter, then that is a result of your own expectation of judgement.
I have ADD and had to unlearn this myself.
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Please no. That reads like a cheat sheet for sociopaths. Conversations between good actors don't need to be engineered. These techniques are probably great if you're a police officer, lawyer, executive, or salesperson, but let's not turn our workplaces into that internally. I'm also in software development, and especially in this field, just talk directly to people. If you find that you can't connect with your team a…
Disagree 100%. “just talk directly to people” reads to me like an ill-informed tactic that allows all our worst habits to run amok. Studying these techniques and making them habitual is the key to a kinder, more thoughtful, and even more effective and productive teamwork experience. I had a coworker who addressed my team about some difficulty they were having collaborating with us. They spoke directly, telling us we…
I think non-violent communication is great when you actually have to ask someone to change something about the way they operate in the world. If you want to improve your relationships though, make rule zero "minimize the extent to which you require other people in the world to change."
>If you want to improve your relationships though, make rule zero "minimize the extent to which you require other people in the world to change." I actually think this is profoundly awful advice, that gets progressively worse the more intimate the relationship, as a fundamental function of human relationships is accountability.
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Absolutely. Social threat triggers the exact same pain response wiring in the brain as physical violence.
Hurt feelings are not violence. By that logic, the existence of gay people is violence against religious fundamentalists.