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‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

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Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#271

Post by will_brown »

rayiner wrote: post #130
simonsarris wrote: post #11

"We should be more honest about the real tradeoffs between endless wanderlust/adventure-seeking and putting down real roots. The things that make for a great instagram feed or Bumble profile are very different from those of permanence that help us live well." (Friend's comment on article) Polly's reply is so shameless (including promoting her own book in the reply) that it's incredible just how badly it missed the po…

I agree that this is bad advice. I'm 35. I've got a wife, two kids, and a weird house with tons of maintenance projects. My parents live five minutes away, and I spend most weekends at Home Depot or hanging out in my parents' living room with the kids. I work too much and don't sleep enough. And I'm blissfully happy. I say this is bad advice not because I think what makes me happy will make everyone happy. I know lot…

>I say this is bad advice not because I think what makes me happy will make everyone happy.

Agreed it won’t intrinsically make everyone happy, but ignoring the suburbs/kids aspect, what you are really describing, I think, is stability and that is a prerequisite for mental health and happiness.

Lack of stability, at any age, but particularly for children is significantly damaging to mental health.

I used to work briefly in dependency court (where the state intervenes when children are abused, abadonded and neglected). These children are subjected to psychiatric evaluations and they all say the same thing, lack of stability in the home devastates a child’s mental health (but also does the same to adults).

Travel/adventure are great in the context of a stable life, but on its own suggest a likelihood instability and thus mental health problems that make happiness damn near impossible. On the other hand if this person were to have sacrificed their travels early on to plant roots, that doesn’t really guarantee stability either, especially in this day and age where even if you do everything right odds are you might face the instability of employment, income, health, relationships, etc...

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#272

Post by justaguyhere »

balls187 wrote: post #69

I think the issue isn't the "wasted life" but rather how one measures their life. If she was in a committed relationship, had offspring, a home with equity, savings, and a career, there is no guarantee that would bring her fulfillment. And even if you had that fulfillment, there is no guarantee it lasts. Life is hard, it's cruel and not at all fair. And the way to survive is learn that no matter how hard it hits, you…

There are people who are perpetually single, with pretty much no relationships at all in their adult life. I don't know what is worse - having a handful of relationships that don't last a long time, or not having relationships at all.

We have so many communication tools at our disposal today - ideally, it should be ridiculously easy to make friends, love/date etc as one can reach a person on the other side of the planet. And yet, more people are single and lonely than ever :(

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#273

Post by thecatspaw »

erobbins wrote: post #256
ThrustVectoring wrote: post #39

I could give better advice in a single sentence. To wit, "you should schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to get screened for adult ADHD." These life problems are classic adult ADHD symptoms. Moving cities every few years. Not being able to hold down a long-term relationship. Your "who-knows-what-number" job. Debt from poor and impulsive decisions. Lack of internal drive. Difficulty making and keeping friends.…

This sounds like me, except the debt and relationship problems. I'm 90% sure I have add, but I'm afraid treatment would turn me into a zombie. It would be really nice to be able to work on crap at work I can't stand doing, but at the same time it would be awful.

it doesnt turn you into a zombie. You dont _have_ to take medications, and good psychiatrists will be willing to work with you with, or without medications.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#274

Post by Mizza »

danbolt wrote: post #191
J-dawg wrote: post #124

It’s politically incorrect, but I feel like feminism has sold a massive lie to women like this. Admittedly much of what she describes could apply to either gender, but it’s women who are hit hardest by fading looks and declining fertility. It used to be accepted cultural knowledge that if a woman desired marriage and children, she should probably spend her ‘best years’ looking for and committing to a husband. Now you…

I'm a little confused when you say that feminism "has sold a massive lie to women". Feminism as a topic seems really large to me, and I'm not sure what about it you mean when you say that a big lie has been told. Would you be able to clarify?

I think it's less a problem with feminism and more a problem with the corporate misappropriation of feminist attitudes - so, rather than worrying about actually supporting women (paid time off/maternity leave/onsite daycare, etc), society sells women the idea that they can "have it all" - a family while also being treated like men in the workplace (which, it turns out, means being disposable pawns for the capitalist machine). The "Lean In" phenomenon and the mandating of % of women on corporate boards are good examples of this.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#275

Post by thecatspaw »

swebs wrote: post #140
kennxfl wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is it really a diagnosis every single time? Are you saying pills will fix that? Unabashedly, no. Some people just get caught up in the wrong mentality and among peers who think a certain way. That analogy of "blindfolded, sitting on a mountain of glittering gems" makes a lot of sense. It's the lack of perspective/awareness. Awareness is the antidote.

I'm sure a therapist has handled hundreds of patients going through a mid-life crisis and will be infinitely more useful than some internet columnist hocking their book. (Or a random guy on a startup forum trying to diagnose you)

Sure, and that same therapist will realize it if its just a mid-life crysis, and treat it accordingly.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#276

Post by NeedMoreTea »

GlenTheMachine wrote: post #145

This probably won't be popular, but what the hell. I feel like, if you strip away the outward trappings and dogma, this is what religion is good for. Not in a "believe in Jesus" or "trust in God" kind of way, but in a "how to orient your life" kind of way. Which is to say, the actually useful portion of religion generally teaches that your best life is probably not focused on you. It isn't about finding yourself, or…

No need of religion, just the new way of doing things. I feel you are talking of a loss of community. Of human beings being of benefit to each other that can be separate from religion. I do see that the church provides a community for many who can participate in that, even though I am a life-long atheist. But broadly, I agree with you.

For my parents and their siblings that meant the furthest apart they were until mid life, ignoring war service, was around 50 or so miles. Not by choice, but there were jobs, opportunities and housing locally. Not in each other's pockets like in a small village, but near enough to meet up regularly, visit when passing, take me over to my uncle or gran if they needed to go somewhere. There was some overlap between friends. There was always someone pretty locally.

For me and my siblings, friends and cousins, we are a far flung bunch, and it is the same for most of my friends. I have a relative 300 miles one way, one on another continent, another 200 miles the other way who I've almost completely lost touch with. Some friends have even more far flung friends and family. For the most part that seems to have come at a high cost. Not just when someone is taken ill, or at Christmas, but in day to day life, in our ways of parenting, in our closeness (or more accurately our lack of closeness) in day to day life. The lonely mum stuck miles away from relatives, the dad trying to keep it together alone. Maybe it even explains some of the addiction to social media.

Maybe I read far too much into it, having reached an age where mortality is far more apparent, and people I thought as young have died. My parents and their peers seemed to have had a level of contentment with their lot, even though many were in WW2 - sometimes at great cost, that me and my peers have utterly lost.

I have no answers. I wish I did.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#277

Post by cmpaul »

projectramo wrote: post #16

This reminds me of The Buried Giant by Kazuo Ishiguro. It opens with an old couple who live in a land misted by a fog of forgetfulness. And one of them remembers they have a son they love very much. They haven't seen him in many years, because they had forgotten and they have to get back to him. And they set out to do so. That feeling of, oh this is an important thing, person, event, skill, and why have I forgotten a…

> Just accept that regret is part of all lives.

So true, and so hard to do.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#279

Post by pojzon »

MRD85 wrote: post #133
yholio wrote: post #73

> And with men I date, I feel pressure to make something of the relationship too soon (move in, get married, “I have to have kids in a couple of years”; fun times!). All the while still trying to be the sexpot 25-year-old I thought I was until what seemed like a moment ago. It sounds like going from one end of the spectrum (aventuros, yolo) to the other (a family, fast), all while punching above their weight, so to s…

I'm 33 and male, I find it amazing how the dating balance has shifted since I was 23. If I wanted I could easily line up multiple dates per week with women who I'd date. When I was younger a lot of women wouldn't give me the time of day.

Read a bit about "SMV" and "MMV" and believe me you can change that tinder filter to 20-25 and get even better results.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#280

Post by radiator »

J-dawg wrote: post #124

It’s politically incorrect, but I feel like feminism has sold a massive lie to women like this. Admittedly much of what she describes could apply to either gender, but it’s women who are hit hardest by fading looks and declining fertility. It used to be accepted cultural knowledge that if a woman desired marriage and children, she should probably spend her ‘best years’ looking for and committing to a husband. Now you…

It is so true. A woman thinking about her declining fertility for the first time in the age of 35? This only happens in modern western countries, where feminism has convinced women: "do not marry early", "explore your feelings", "meet new people", "have a career", "children and family oppress you" and so on. Of course, such things were unheard of some decades ago, and still are in many parts of the world, where women start a family routinely at 20 and it is not unheard of that some women are already grandmothers at the age of 35.

I am sorry, but of course there is no hope of a normal family for a woman of this age. Her fate has already been sealed by feminism. Life is tough. The question is, what happens with the next generation.

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