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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#261

Post by em-bee »

null_shift wrote: post #256
NetOpWibby wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the…

I’d be interested to hear more. I have come to realize that I am very self centered, but I can’t quite figure out why. I tend to get very caught up and focused on what is going on in my life and never stop to think about others. It is more that the thought never occurs to me, as opposed to me consciously prioritizing myself over others. My wife on the other hand is very thoughtful, always checking in on others to see…

i can recognize myself in what you just wrote. and in my case i am pretty sure that it comes from my parents divorce and the lack of role models. there was nobody in my life growing up who would show care for me or for others in the way that your wife (and also mine) was doing it. i have the same issue with generosity. i haven't experienced people being generous as i grew up and as a result i don't know how to do it. it's just not something that i'd think about, and i have to consciously remind myself to share more things with others.

on the other hand, despite being somewhat introvert, i have no problem inviting some of those regilious types, when they come knocking at my door and having a serious conversation with them, while critically inspecting their claims. why? because that i did learn from my dad who was welcoming, open minded yet serious about his own beliefs.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#262

Post by 3pt14159 »

throwoutway wrote: post #230
3pt14159 wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If my wife were the poem-writing type, I would love a poem a day for 30,000 days, let alone four hundred. But paying attention to people when you give them something is very important. People are different. You may cringe at poems, but I love them. I brought one that someone else wrote for me on my first date with my now wife. We talked about getting married on our first date it went so well. So I guess what I'm also…

> I brought one that someone else wrote for me on my first date with my now wife. Why would you bring a poem someone wrote you to a first date?

It's kinda a long story, but there is a semi-well known poet in Toronto that writes poetry for hire and she works near a park that we both walk by with some frequency.

I described how I felt about the person I was about to go on a date with, but told the poet not to write directly about my date, but to use it as inspiration for a story of some kind.

I can't really describe how I knew it would go over well, but I knew it would. I try to tailor gifts to the person I'm dating, and I wasn't the type to usually bring something to a first date, but we had a ton of chemistry and I wanted to show how interested I was.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#263

Post by [deleted] »

wnolens wrote: post #258
em-bee wrote: post #238

Earlier quoted context omitted.

for starters i think it helps to accept that the ideal partner doesn't exist. everyone has flaws on one way or another. the problem is that when you meet that seemingly ideal person some day, that person only looks ideal because you haven't seen their bad sides yet. i think it really helps to keep that in mind. better to deal with the devil you know, than starting over with an unknown. for your problem, i would want…

I think my ambivalence comes from a lack of excitement while just casually socializing. I have plenty of best friends who are hilarious and fascinating, that by comparison I can feel quite empty with a woman who is otherwise quite a catch. I'm trying to give the current one more time because maybe it's a function of how familiar we are with eachother and the experiences we've shared. Romantic relationships as an adul…

[deleted]

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#264

Post by alexashka »

0xbadcafebee wrote: post #241
alexashka wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We're using the word differently. In the context of this thread, gratitude stands for expressing what you appreciate about your relationship with another. Do you see the problem here? If you like a flower, do you feel the need to thank it? No, right? A flower does what flowers do. So what's different about this scenario? The difference is you're using expression of gratitude as a tactic to manipulate. If you're think…

Gratitude, the definition of the word, means "a feeling of appreciation (or similar positive response) by a recipient of another's kindness, gifts, help, favours, or other form of generosity to the giver of such gifts". It is a feeling you get when you appreciate something about some one / some thing other than yourself. Expressing gratitude is communicating that feeling, typically out of a desire to share the feelin…

Think through what the opposite of gratitude would be.

Gratitude is when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, for your benefit, roughly speaking.

What about when others do things you appreciate, that are generous, to others, but not you?

What do we call that?

Get it? The key ingredient is who gets the goodies? That's what narcissism is, preoccupation with what I'm getting in relation to others. You can't get feelings of gratitude without being preoccupied with comparing yourself to others or your past self first :)

You can get just feeling warm and fuzzy, sharing a cup of tea in the morning, and I'm all for that. Because it doesn't involve intellectualizing your place in the social dominance hierarchy (comparison to others) or 'the world' (comparison to past self), and getting feelings from the conclusion you reach.

Hope that clarifies it a bit :)

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#265

Post by wnolens »

em-bee wrote: post #259
wnolens wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think my ambivalence comes from a lack of excitement while just casually socializing. I have plenty of best friends who are hilarious and fascinating, that by comparison I can feel quite empty with a woman who is otherwise quite a catch. I'm trying to give the current one more time because maybe it's a function of how familiar we are with eachother and the experiences we've shared. Romantic relationships as an adul…

from my experience it definitely makes a difference how well we knew each other, whether it was easy to just hang out. when you don't know each other, there is a lot of insecurity as to how to interact, and what the other will allow or expect or find uncomfortable. i guess most people in that situation will be cautious as to not appear to try to move to quickly, and that may lead to the experience you had. what i fou…

Thanks, this is great advice. Something I've been trying to do, too.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#266

Post by NetOpWibby »

null_shift wrote: post #256
NetOpWibby wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the…

I’d be interested to hear more. I have come to realize that I am very self centered, but I can’t quite figure out why. I tend to get very caught up and focused on what is going on in my life and never stop to think about others. It is more that the thought never occurs to me, as opposed to me consciously prioritizing myself over others. My wife on the other hand is very thoughtful, always checking in on others to see…

Our situation is very much the same. In fact, it was constantly seeing my wife check-in with her family that encouraged me to do the same. About a month ago I called my grandmother and had a two-hour convo and I learned that my mother never wanted her to have my number, for whatever reason. I regret not thinking of reaching out to her sooner but we're both glad I did.

My parents divorced when I was 13 or so but dual-parented. My dad was very focused on trying to get me to be more "macho" and my mom didn't seem to care much about whatever I had going on. So, I kept to myself; reading books, dreaming up inventions, sketching, &c. When college came, I found out via campus security that I did NOT have a college fund and was subsequently removed from campus. For some reason, my mom seemed angry at me for being home even though she's the one who bragged to everyone for YEARS that her kids had a college fund and never had to worry about working while focusing on education.

I'm starting to feel resentment as I recall things so I'll just say this: my feeling weren't considered when I was a child/teen, I didn't have help in early adulthood, and I was setup to fail (credit/identity theft victim, per mother). As a result, I had to learn how to live in the "real world" without a safety net and try to figure out how to forgive people because these people would never apologize (or even remember their actions).

Doing all this got me through all right. I'm self-taught, have a pretty cool job, and live relatively stress-free in a safe community with a great school district. Nearly ever day is sunny but having someone you trust that can tell you objective things about yourself is a must.

Thinking of others when you've only thought of yourself for two decades is hella difficult but not impossible. I make sure to call my grandmother at least every two weeks. I look for ways to make my wife's life easier around the house. I'm more productive in my downtime so I can make progress on my personal projects so I can be present when the family's doing something. It's a lot of work but my life has demonstrably improved.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#267

Post by NetOpWibby »

em-bee wrote: post #130
NetOpWibby wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the…

* a defense mechanism I haven’t needed to deploy for at least a decade* the behaviors we learn through our experience to protect ourselves are very hard to shake off. quite often we are not even aware of them or understand why. and any new partner will end up working hard trying to break through. but it looks like your partners effort and patience is starting to pay off. good luck to your continued future.

Thank you. I'm always happy so if she's happy, I'm ecstatic.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#268

Post by NetOpWibby »

NetOpWibby wrote: post #113
cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the…

EDIT: I'm in my 5th year of marriage. I've known her for 18 years now, not sure when we started dating...good thing my wife doesn't read HN.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#269

Post by wizofaus »

NetOpWibby wrote: post #266
null_shift wrote: post #256

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’d be interested to hear more. I have come to realize that I am very self centered, but I can’t quite figure out why. I tend to get very caught up and focused on what is going on in my life and never stop to think about others. It is more that the thought never occurs to me, as opposed to me consciously prioritizing myself over others. My wife on the other hand is very thoughtful, always checking in on others to see…

Our situation is very much the same. In fact, it was constantly seeing my wife check-in with her family that encouraged me to do the same. About a month ago I called my grandmother and had a two-hour convo and I learned that my mother never wanted her to have my number, for whatever reason. I regret not thinking of reaching out to her sooner but we're both glad I did. My parents divorced when I was 13 or so but dual-…

"I did NOT have a college fund and was subsequently removed from campus" -- wait, what? This is a thing in the US? We don't even have "college funds" in Australia but if you don't pay your uni fees you just won't get a degree, nobody's going to physically remove you from anywhere, that seems nuts...

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#270

Post by sp527 »

ryanmercer wrote: post #166
sp527 wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I believe a well-orchestrated prenup, perhaps in combination with some structure of legal trusts, can (mostly) mitigate this. You can firewall assets and nix alimony. And then move to Texas for the cap on child support orders, which really matters [0]. The only exposure you're left with is being liable for attorney fees, but hopefully Texas has some standard to preclude those from becoming unconscionable. A lot of pe…

>I believe a well-orchestrated prenup, If you think you need a prenup, you probably shouldn't get married.

Dead wrong. Almost no one thinks they need a prenup at the time of marriage, because they fail to project forward on a long enough timeline. Relationships can morph dramatically within 2 years, let alone 10, 20, etc. Yours is the illogic that has resulted in financial devastation for many a sorry soul.
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