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Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

clearerthinking.org

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Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#261

Post by ben_w »

catalogia wrote: post #131
dghughes wrote: post #125

I've seen this and it's fascinating but nobody I mention it to seems interested. So I say to them if anyone is a real-life Spock it's Marshall Rosenberg.

Do many people earnestly want to work with Vulcans? Comparing users of NVC to vulcans seems more derogatory than complimentary.

Vulcans as exposited by the script, Vulcans as demonstrated by their on-screen behaviour, or Straw Vulcans that Joe Average thinks Logical types are supposed to be?

Because for all that the script claimed, TV Vulcans repeatedly demonstrated emotions. Nobody likes Straw Vulcans though, not even the actual Vulcan characters in Star Trek.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#262

Post by mikorym »

What if you don't want nonviolent communication? I can think of many examples; an oppressive government, a physically oppressive/abusive relationship or rape, a religously delusional cult, etc.

Maybe the assumption is that you are excluding such situations? Sometimes you have to fight for justice. What is your priority, peace or truth? I understand that point 1. should address this, but the opposite can happen as well: downplaying facts.

Maybe that's not the point of this, but I don't by default think you have to be nice to people with whom you disagree. If you try to understand someone you may become like them.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#263

Post by Uhuhreally »

mikorym wrote: post #262

What if you don't want nonviolent communication? I can think of many examples; an oppressive government, a physically oppressive/abusive relationship or rape, a religously delusional cult, etc. Maybe the assumption is that you are excluding such situations? Sometimes you have to fight for justice. What is your priority, peace or truth? I understand that point 1. should address this, but the opposite can happen as wel…

"when you beat me I feel pain...I don't like to feel pain, perhaps you could stop beating me"

"I enjoy inflicting pain...your pain makes me happy...perhaps you could continue feeling the pain I inflict on you"

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#265

Post by stinos »

mikorym wrote: post #262

What if you don't want nonviolent communication? I can think of many examples; an oppressive government, a physically oppressive/abusive relationship or rape, a religously delusional cult, etc. Maybe the assumption is that you are excluding such situations? Sometimes you have to fight for justice. What is your priority, peace or truth? I understand that point 1. should address this, but the opposite can happen as wel…

What if you don't want nonviolent communication?

Isn't the whole point that you should want it? Why would you not default to being nice to people? Or, as the article says, default to unbiased evidence and specificity? Sure if that fails and you're into it, try violent communication. But defaulting to it for disagreements doesn't exactly sound like the easiest nor best idea. Anecodtal, but the disagreements online and IRL which I have solved were never by being not nice. Being not nice results in driving the parties further away from each other. Whereas being nice opens the way for constructive talking. Which is excatly what the typcial COC for software these days is about, for instance.

Now, I don't know a lot of history, so wrt your first example for instance I don't know how many conflicts were resolved through non-violent protests vs straight up civil menace for instance. I.e. I don't know if the principle which applies to a basic disagreement also works on larger scales.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#266

Post by kungtotte »

musicale wrote: post #59
ryanwaggoner wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The “victim” in this example is actually the perpetrator: they consumed someone else’s food without permission.

The victim of the verbal trap/dilemma. But you are free to use another word like "target" or "recipient" if you prefer. Also, without full information, we don't know who is in the right. Perhaps it was in a designated communal fridge; perhaps it wasn't labeled properly; perhaps the person actually had permission; perhaps the person was facing a potentially dangerous blood sugar crash. Etc..

We're not here to make a judgement on whether A was right to make the request of B, we are evaluating the effectiveness of their communication.

If you think the style of communication is bad then just say so, don't try to invalidate it by questioning the premise as stated.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#267

Post by CapricornNoble »

lazyasciiart wrote: post #205
CapricornNoble wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>>>Your workplace sounds toxic Well, it's the Marine Corps. It ain't a rose garden.[1][2] >>>full of backstabbing jerks Actually quite the contrary. If anything we are well-known for our solidarity.[3] Assuming there aren't issues due to rank/the command hierarchy, most personal disagreements are handled face-to-face. People try to stiff-arm work responsibilities off to other offices but I think that is endemic to an…

I'm not sure why you'd expect something called "Non-violent communication" to be an appropriate methodology to use in actual fighting.

Regardless of the nomenclature, the purpose and intent of the methodology is to build robust working relationships. If the methodology is sound, it should hold up when stress-tested. If he doesn't hold up, then there's negligible benefit from advocating for it. If the expectation is that the organization will never be subjected to such high levels of stress anyway....than almost all management styles are equally valid/equally useless.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#269

Post by Mirioron »

laurex wrote: post #170
n42 wrote: post #7

I learned this at a company retreat at some point. We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. It takes a little care and thought to apply it well. I've found when done effectively, it can unlock difficult conversations and turn even the most hostile interactions into productive conversations. You are demon…

NVC is a great framework. I've watched the 9 hour training by Marshall Rosenberg on YouTube more than once, and I keep finding ways that it can be useful in all relationships. It's basically a way to be both non-passive-aggressive and compassionate, while having boundaries. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPNVcESwoWu4lI9C3bhkY...

>It's basically a way to be both non-passive-aggressive and compassionate

But the examples given as "observation" read as passive-aggressive to me. Whether you say "Eleanor procrastinates" or "Eleanor wait to do all her studying the night before the exam" it's still the same thing. If you hear this type of comment regularly (eg you have ADHD) then it'll still affect you negatively.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#270

Post by V-2 »

Judgment: your way of communication is harmful and leads to conflicts.

Observation: you tend to state facts along with an opinion about them.

Exaggeration: your way of communication is violent.

Observation: you're sometimes too eager to generalize and jump to conclusions, which can make people feel uncomfortable and defensive.

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