My Time Working at Stripe • Hacker News Board

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#251

Post by jondlm » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:19 PM UTC

wkjagt wrote: post #84

DeathArrow wrote: post #31

>he asked the team, “for this meeting I’d like us to try and introduce ourselves a little differently. If you’re comfortable, I’d like us to try and be 10% more vulnerable than we normally would in a work setting.” I remember feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement rise in my chest. I sat pondering what I would share. I decided to go for more than 10%. I shared about how my marriage had almost collapsed a couple year…

Post: "If you’re comfortable, I’d like us to try and be 10% more vulnerable" This comment: "I'd rather not have my manager forcing me to do group therapy." How did "if you’re comfortable" become "forcing me", and "try and be 10% more vulnerable" become "group therapy"?

I know I won't be able to convince everyone here, but I didn't feel pressured to share anything deeply personal. Some people on the team didn't. They weren't punished or looked down on. We were a tight-knit team before and after that event.

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#252

Post by varispeed » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:22 PM UTC

hansvm wrote: post #225

varispeed wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> a brilliant idea that might help the company a lot don't just do it. Never do it. It will never end up benefitting you, even if you find "allies" - who might even stab you in the back and take credit for the idea and then let you go once they get a promotion. If you have a brilliant idea, keep it to yourself, try to think of a way it could be used outside of the company and if it is strong enough start your own bus…

It's not "more" work; it's "different" work. I quite enjoy low-level optimizations, and all I have to do to work on that all day instead of coordination, meetings, and drudgery is convince people a few levels up the chain that the cost savings are huge and that the extra speed enables cool new features. It's corporate America, so I'm going to be unceremoniously fired eventually anyway, but in the meantime I might as…

> the cost savings are huge and that the extra speed enables cool new features.

Been there. The savings were never passed down, but you could always enjoy photos of boss's new sports car or their month's trip to Borneo to "recharge" and think of new challenges. Ah sorry! I got an iPod once as a thank you.

> "made a cool new thing increasing profits $XX million/yr"

That may backfire. Nobody likes a new kid on the block that has tricks up his sleeve that could jeopardise someone senior's career.

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#253

Post by neilv » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:24 PM UTC

DeathArrow wrote: post #31

>he asked the team, “for this meeting I’d like us to try and introduce ourselves a little differently. If you’re comfortable, I’d like us to try and be 10% more vulnerable than we normally would in a work setting.” I remember feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement rise in my chest. I sat pondering what I would share. I decided to go for more than 10%. I shared about how my marriage had almost collapsed a couple year…

> Of course I wouldn't say all that to the manager, but 'I'll put him on the list of people I should be careful about,

Both reasonable.

> and fake some confessions.

Could you find some other way to handle it, without lying?

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#254

Post by varispeed » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:24 PM UTC

Aeolun wrote: post #78

varispeed wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> a brilliant idea that might help the company a lot don't just do it. Never do it. It will never end up benefitting you, even if you find "allies" - who might even stab you in the back and take credit for the idea and then let you go once they get a promotion. If you have a brilliant idea, keep it to yourself, try to think of a way it could be used outside of the company and if it is strong enough start your own bus…

I mean, brilliant ideas can still be fun to work on. Who cares if you don’t get appropriately rewarded for saving the company $50k/month, it was time well spent. As opposed to working on that pointless crud thing your boss likes.

> Who cares if you don’t get appropriately rewarded for saving the company $50k/month, it was time well spent.

If you are that great, it is much better to contribute to Open Source projects than to someone's already fat pockets.

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#255

Post by jondlm » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:25 PM UTC

stego-tech wrote: post #150

wkjagt wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Post: "If you’re comfortable, I’d like us to try and be 10% more vulnerable" This comment: "I'd rather not have my manager forcing me to do group therapy." How did "if you’re comfortable" become "forcing me", and "try and be 10% more vulnerable" become "group therapy"?

Because bosses exist on a scale. For the sake of the argument, let’s use American letter grades. The boss mentioned above would be a “B” boss - good intentions, but a forced execution that shifts more of the burden to employees. I don’t necessarily mind these types, but it can be incredibly off-putting for those of us who work to live, rather than live to work. Above that you have the “A” bosses, who invite that leve…

This is great. I absolutely agree that the best leaders gently invite and lead with appropriate vulnerability. They also don't mind if people say "no" either with words or body language.

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#256

Post by Brian_K_White » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:28 PM UTC

captnObvious wrote: post #156

dymk wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you were my boss and did this I'd be going to my skip manager to complain.

It sounded like an optional request not a command. I’ve managed and I’ve been managed and the relationship ships I’ve built along the way are deep enough to have conversations like these. We’re doing life with this people it’s not a dystopian novel about capitalism. If you have a genuine person as your boss moments like these help form friendships, and don’t feel like a dark Dilbert comic. Friendships increase team c…

An "optional request" in a public group setting like that is not optional. You were non-optionally forced to respond to the challenge one way or another. If you don't share, then you're the guy who opted not to share. It turns off the touchy feely types who like it and don't understand the problem and can be "not a team player" fodder for anyone who wants it.

The actual respectful and considerate way is not to put people in such positions in the first place.

Like asking something from someone where it would be some unusual imposition or favor (like something that would be ok to ask a friend or family but not a mere aquaintance) and telling them it's ok if they say no. That is an empty statement. You were not supposed to put them in the position where they had to say no.

You can allow for people to not be robots without putting other people into awkward positions they didn't deserve to be put in.

It's definitely favoring some people at the expense of others. Like the gp comment, now they not only have to do their normal job, they also have to generate bs for their manager. The manager should be the one who has to figure out how to work with their different people, not the other way around. That is the managers explicit role that they supposedly get paid more for and what gives them the authority to manage and judge anyone else. That's their actual job rather than coding or whatever. Instead, they are making their team members all conform to them, on top of their actual jobs which are supposed to be something other than managing people.

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#257

Post by jondlm » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:29 PM UTC

Aurornis wrote: post #214

DeathArrow wrote: post #31

>he asked the team, “for this meeting I’d like us to try and introduce ourselves a little differently. If you’re comfortable, I’d like us to try and be 10% more vulnerable than we normally would in a work setting.” I remember feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement rise in my chest. I sat pondering what I would share. I decided to go for more than 10%. I shared about how my marriage had almost collapsed a couple year…

In recent years I had a manager who read a lot of pop-psychology and self-help books. His 1:1s turned into pseudo therapy sessions where he tried to assume the role of therapist. He and I did not get along because I politely changed the subject back to work and the office every time he tried to get me to “open up” about my childhood, my home life, my fears and anxieties, and other topics. I thought he was a weird out…

That's rough. Sorry to hear you were pushed.

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#258

Post by d0gsg0w00f » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:29 PM UTC

DeathArrow wrote: post #31

>he asked the team, “for this meeting I’d like us to try and introduce ourselves a little differently. If you’re comfortable, I’d like us to try and be 10% more vulnerable than we normally would in a work setting.” I remember feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement rise in my chest. I sat pondering what I would share. I decided to go for more than 10%. I shared about how my marriage had almost collapsed a couple year…

When these things come up I just share work vulnerabilities like, "Yeah, that project I pushed for was a terrible idea in hindsight." Or "I'm really struggling with this project because I don't know if anyone cares about it".

That way I tick the participation box without making it therapy.

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#259

Post by varispeed » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:30 PM UTC

Imustaskforhelp wrote: post #103

varispeed wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I’d like us to try and be 10% more vulnerable than we normally would I would have reported manager to HR for this and if they didn't take action I would take company to tribunal. This is pure simple coercion into sharing personal data that then other workers could use against you. I can't see the world where sharing personal stuff at work is ever appropriate, let alone be subjected to peer pressure to share it.

This isn't and shouldn't be the typical response to such things. The boss had also become vulnerable asking you to be 10% more vulnerable. I think I would respect it more than harsh cold calculating boss. And also the chinese gospel's taking its effect here , the post above this paraphrased it differently and this has taken it to completely different level. Nobody is forcing you with a gun to tell things or else you…

> The boss had also become vulnerable asking you to be 10% more vulnerable.

That's really irrelevant. It's like taking your pants down, showing your privates and assuming your coworkers will do the same.

Absolutely unacceptable especially when it comes from position of power, where workers may think that if they don't engage they'll get fired or won't get promotion. It's coercion.

> the boss just said , " Hey if you are comfortable , lets try to be a little vulnerable " and if you didn't like it you could've said " hey boss , I appreciate your gesture but I really really wouldn't like to share it as it would be a violation of my privacy , hope you understand "

This is never innocent. If someone's life depends on the job, they'll comply as they don't want to second guess if their refusal will lead to them end up being homeless. They'll share details they don't want to and get injured.

Re: My Time Working at Stripe

#260

Post by d0gsg0w00f » Sat, Nov 02, 2024, 5:32 PM UTC

Aurornis wrote: post #214

DeathArrow wrote: post #31

>he asked the team, “for this meeting I’d like us to try and introduce ourselves a little differently. If you’re comfortable, I’d like us to try and be 10% more vulnerable than we normally would in a work setting.” I remember feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement rise in my chest. I sat pondering what I would share. I decided to go for more than 10%. I shared about how my marriage had almost collapsed a couple year…

In recent years I had a manager who read a lot of pop-psychology and self-help books. His 1:1s turned into pseudo therapy sessions where he tried to assume the role of therapist. He and I did not get along because I politely changed the subject back to work and the office every time he tried to get me to “open up” about my childhood, my home life, my fears and anxieties, and other topics. I thought he was a weird out…

I'm a serious work focused person too and my manager is a little on the mushy side. Exasperating for me, but the younger talent on the team eats it up so it works for him in that respect. I'm still not sure what percentage of it is an act.