Tell HN: Burnout is bad to your brain, take care

Yes it takes some willpower, however I did not find it to be that big an issue and I say that as someone who was never athletic and has never been able to stick with an exercise program for more than a few weeks. But everything I tried in the past was cardio -- running, biking, swimming -- it all sucked. Weightlifting for some reason kind of stuck and I've been doing it regularly for a few years now. And specifically barbell lifting/powerlifting -- machines are OK for accessory work but they are boring.

YMMV of course.

I'd agree with what others have answered (do it on company time if it's company related), but although I don't have kids, I've burnt out quite badly 2 or 3 times. Apathy is the scar tissue you get from burnout, it's helpful in avoiding it after recovery, but it's best if you don't include your family in that. If possible (probably if you try hard enough) I'd suggest separating the things you want or feel you should learn into the things you're learning for yourself and things you're learning for your job, and then allocate a deliberate day or significant block to just that. Ask for help from your family if possible in letting you occasionally just isolate and immerse. Jon Carmack does this, and although I'm just an average guy or w/e, I've found it to be the only way to give hard subjects the attention they actually require. For example, the Nand2Tetris project, Swift programming, Postgres, they really take some tinkering time and deliberate practice. Nothing super valuable comes from passively digesting podcasts while driving imo either, or walking down the street, or buying groceries, so take those airpods out if you're doing it, and let your brain take a break in those moments.

The easy solution for that is to not care if you're "in the stratosphere". Being too ambitious is setting oneself for failure and then for cynicism (because, by definition, only a few people can make it to the top, so your odds are very bad).

I'm just a regular guy like everybody else, but I don't envy people like Sam Altman or Paul Graham in the slighest. What they (in terms of money and success, influence etc.) have is just not that interesting to me, I'd much prefer having two more hours of good focus per day, than having a billion dollars (or however much they each have) - you can do much more interesting things with focus than with money.

Childcare is skilled, necessary labor, and should be subsidized by the government at the level that food production is. Maternity leave and paternity leave in the United States are also woefully insufficient.

> outside of fintech anyway

Funny you say that. We seem to use various fintech companies as our feeder for senior management positions, who then bring in all their people. I usually try to wait them out, as they typically only last a few years. The idea being that it can't get worse, so the next person will be better, but they just keep getting worse somehow. We just got a new guy recently, so the impacts from that remain to be seen.

> do you really think throwing a dart at a random list of companies is likely to hit one that's materially worse?

When I look at job postings online, without relocating, it seems I'd likely take a 25-50% pay cut. I also have some golden handcuffs on me, so I'd have to forfeit a bunch of stock. While money isn't everything, and I keep my cost of living pretty low, it is a concern when I think about retirement.

I've shared some of my frustrations with my dad, who spent his whole career in corporate IT and worked at several different places. I don't know that I brought up the crying, but I've told him quite a bit. His general replies are that he can relate, and will often point to Dilbert to show that it's the same everywhere... if it wasn't, that comic wouldn't have been popular. I've also seen people leave and beg to come back. These things together make me think the grass isn't always greener.

On the flip side, I've also seen a lot of people leave who end up with a permanent smile on their face after leaving. Several have also lost significant amounts of weight, as they stop needing various coping mechanisms or find healthier outlets.

I suppose this means the fear of regret is stronger than the hope that something new will be better.

My old boss seems to have a standing offer if I want to go work for him. However, a former co-worker did, and he texted me about a month ago saying how bad it was. And the boss is saying he makes less than me now, so the pay cut comes up again. While he liked me and gave me a lot of autonomy, he also lied to me for several years, manipulating me to sell my house and move several states away from home. When I was finally fed up and decided to move back near family/friends in my home state, he tried to keep the lie going. I called him on it, and found out it was all BS. So I'm not excited to jump into that again.

> No offense, but that is extremely backwards thinking. Would you continue to live with a physically abusive partner until a better mate showed up on your doorstep? No? Why would you continue to live with an emotionally abusive one?

I think what screws with me is that I will occasionally see someone who seems happy in spite of it all. It's rare sight, but there are a couple. I wonder what their secret is and how I can get to that place, where I can be happy in spite of my circumstances. Maybe it's all an act.

> I deserve respectful coworkers, competent managers, and rewarding work.

My coworkers, the ones I've been working with for 10-15 years, I like. I feel some loyalty to them. Maybe I shouldn't, but we've been in the trenches together for a long time. They've had my back and I've had theirs.

When it comes to management competence and rewarding work, that's currently at an all time low. I used to take on a lot of these shortcomings myself, to fill the gaps in leadership, but with 4 re-orgs leading to 4 new bosses, in 4 years... I'm sick of starting over and sick of doing other people's job, so I stopped. So far it's not gone well and everything is worse as a result, which has me questioning if I should go back to working 60-80 hour weeks to try and get the house in order as I've done in the past, but these people don't deserve that. I don't deserve that. And if I do all that work, they're just going to re-org in 6 months, so it will all be for nothing.

I once told my old boss I thought about quitting every day for 15 years. Though the reasons why changed over time. At first it was impostor syndrome (which also gets in the way when I look for new jobs), then it seemed like I had nothing more to learn and hit a dead end, and now it's the overwhelming toxicity of the culture.

Thanks for the tough love. You've given me a lot to consider. It's a difficult decision for me. It's been one of the few constant things in my life, and as a result I don't have much of a life outside of work. Quitting is an event that would shake loose my identity. Oh god... is this why people stay in abusive relationships for so long?