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I'm sorry man, but that sounds awful. I'm a depression alumni with you. I did it all for a good 7 years - hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, then medication, then "fuck medication, I'm fine!" and "fuck medication! It doesn't work!", then heavy drug use and addiction, and counseling throughout. The feeling can be beyond words and the energy needed to talk about it seems beyond us but I've gone the pretend route where yo…
Fwiw, I believe depression has certain deepness of thought and getting over with it is better than not getting it at all in the first place.
Depression is a SOUL SERIAL KILLER. LIFE WITH IT IS A LIVING HELL THAT IS ABSOLUTELY INESCAPABLE except for a few bright spots. It's connected with creativity and braininess becuase depressed people OVERCOMPENSATE for their perceived weaknesses-they also tend to cope by keeping occupied at all times.