251–260 of 363 posts
I would probably phrase it something like that. State why you're bringing it up (I'm trying to solve the problem, not just criticise your solution), assume they have already considered it, ask what they think about your idea instead of just offering advice about theirs, both options are still on the table.
My take on this is to target the inferiority complex by lifting them up, i now usually say:
I see you used X instead of Y, knowing you, I suppose this was not accidental / was deliberate and I’m now curious
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Personally I hate it when my PRs come back like this. I made a PR so my code and my decisions could be reviewed and critiqued. If you have some criticism, just tell me what it is and why you think that. I have learnt so much from highly critical PRs, I hate to think where I’d be without them. Personally I think it’s much more productive to create a culture where criticism is made openly and without being taken as a p…
I'm aware of an unofficial convention in some US government departments - if you have a small round green sticker on your pass, then you are opting in as someone who can handle un-sugar coated discussion. It's a great system - you occasionally see someone pause momentarily to check that everyone in the group has a sticker before saying "well, that was a clusterfuck wasn't it".
My take from personal experience: Removing the "just" obviously makes it less condescending: => Why didn't you use sshd? Removing the "you" could make it less personal: => Why was sshd not used here? Removing the past-tense makes it more forward looking (the past can't be changed, but people often defend their past decisions especially because they are unchangeable, the future however is less threatening): => Could s…
This is corporate speak and it's regrettably taking over the world.
I do agree with your final paragraph. Telling people privately sidesteps all the newspeak entirely.
I’m just thinking about how in Medicine, lots of people would suffer if the helpers had trouble asking the basic questions. “Did you submit cultures?” “Why did you choose to ignore the liver enzymes in this case?” “Did you ask about a family history of X?” To a large extent, becoming professional is about becoming less sensitive to being wrong.
> To a large extent, becoming professional is about becoming less sensitive to being wrong. I agree, but there's nothing to lose in trying to become a better communicator, you're not responsible for other people's sensitivity, but you are definitely in control of what and how you communicate.
Now, in the case of unsolicited advice, it may just be the questioner showing off. There’s no phrasing that will help make a person feel good that they were used to stroke someone’s ego.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
To me, both responses are the same. Orwell's "Politics and the English Language" comes to mind. You're saying exactly the same thing but in a bureaucratic form. Reading other posts here the message I get is that a lot of people work in dysfunctional environments in which everyone's at each other's throat or something. My default assumption would be that obviously my colleague isn't being an asshole...
The majority of times people have said “why don’t you just...” to me the answer is that if they understood what $thing was trying to do they wouldn’t have asked the question. They’re not being “assholes” they’re just headed toward it from a wrong assumption (they’re assumption is that they understand what $thing does, but they don’t.) so my advice to anyone suggesting just do $x is that they need to try to understand…
They're literally asking _why_.
If you take it as a statement i.e. 'just use $x' then that's a completely different matter.
I disagree; "Why didn't you just use sshd?" is a valid question and can be answered as such. Of course the answer might be "I don't know", but also there might be an answer, and maybe they do know the answer and have a good reason to don't use sshd; I don't know. That is why I ask. Then you can learn.
Unless the person you're asking has specifically asked you for questions you shouldn't approach every situation as an opportunity for you to learn. Sometimes the situation is about other people, their work, and accepting what they've done as a valid use of their time. Asking a question that could potentially invalidate the effort they've put in, even if you think it's a reasonable point to raise and you think you cou…
While the proverbial "There is no I in team" applies here, the real lack of social skills is on the OP, not the person presenting the problem.
Re-phrasing aside, a simple, "Hey, that's an interesting problem. I may be able help if you'd like" before stating the obvious solution will go miles in the conversation and re-enforce the relationship between both parties.
Some programmers will ask you "why didn't you just" questions about something you've worked on for weeks, months or years, not because they think they're smarter than you, but because they never think about anything for weeks, months or years.
I feel there is something missing in this whole discussion and that's the question of unsolicited advice. I don't think anyone will feel insulted if the j-word comes out after they have asked for help on a problem.
On the other hand, It's hard not to feel like that question is condescending when it is unsolicited.