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Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

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Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#241

Post by low_tech_love »

35208654 wrote: post #143

There’s a hack hidden in this message, one that I’ve built an entire career out of: learn to not take anything personally in a professional context unless you absolutely must. Several times in my career I have heard someone say, “stay away from so-and-so, he’s an asshole.” And every time, literally every time, I have gotten along with them famously. Why? Because I discovered that that I could use the message these in…

I understand the good will of the person trying to warn you, and in my experience they are sometimes right, but it’s almost uniformly random. My thought is always “no worries, I can handle an asshole if I must”.

Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#242

Post by musicale »

krisoft wrote: post #149
doubled112 wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Don't bother buying green bananas I can't be the only one who thinks this delivery might be hilarious? Of course, I respect and understand that not everybody would find it to be.

> I can't be the only one who thinks this delivery might be hilarious? Of course, it is literaly a joke. But think about the context. In reality people who are informed that they have only days to live are usually gravely ill. They are typically not joking around with their doctors at a cocktail bar, but are in considerable discomfort and pain. They also probably worried about their symptomps, their loved ones, and t…

> I can’t see an easier way for a doctor to lose their patient’s trust than to treat their life, their whole being as the butt of a joke.

Many physicians (and some other medical staff) seem to enjoy mocking dying (or dead) or seriously ill patients and treating them as the punch line of a joke, and do so routinely - but doing it directly to the patient in question is usually considered bad taste.

It's an ugly practice, and one that can certainly alienate patients and family members when they overhear it, but I've heard it defended as "gallows humor" and a coping mechanism. Compassion, it is argued, is an inappropriate luxury.

Sometimes intentionally disparaging and mocking notes or comments are written in charts as well, much to the dismay of any patients who discover them.

Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#243

Post by lazide »

tomnipotent wrote: post #239
lazide wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is entirely possible to be direct without being an asshole. Being indirect, Socratic questioning, etc. has its place too. But it can easily just result in someone being a passive aggressive asshole instead of a direct one, or, as others noted in the thread, being confusing and a drag on everyone because they won’t actually say what they think.

> to be direct without being an asshole You don't have any control over how people perceive things, which is the point. Everyone is an asshole to someone.

That’s the ‘no one is an asshole, everyone is an asshole’ type of BS that muddies the waters.

Linus has been an asshole, he didn’t have to be, and everyone agreed on that, including him.

He’s getting better at being less of an asshole.

That is what I’m referring to. It isn’t ambiguous. It isn’t ‘a bad day’. It isn’t one person getting offended about something that no one else saw. Pretending it is does no one any favors.

Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#244

Post by jocaal »

lazyasciiart wrote: post #103
m463 wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are so many - SO MANY - ways that "objective reality" can be counter-productive. For example, I remember reading "For people to change, first they have to feel accepted as they are". This is some "objective reality" people should keep in mind when disclosing "objective reality". "But my spouse/friend/child/coworker is !"

Yes, there's a hell of a lot of objective reality that these just-the-facts hardbitten-realist people are usually either unaware of or deliberately denying. This frequently results in suggestions that would only be useful for a spherical cow.

a spherical cow in a vacuum with g=10 ;)

Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#245

Post by exodust »

dang wrote: post #118
19h wrote: post #38

This article reeks of weak sauce. Delivering truth in a "sensitive" manner is a sad testament to the frail sensibilities of modern society. If the unvarnished truth bothers you, that says more about your inadequacies than the person speaking it. Hiding behind convoluted psychological constructs like "hyper-rationality" and "super-reasonability" is a coward's way to avoid hard truths and difficult conversations. The t…

It seems to me that each paragraph of your post agrees more with the OP, until by the end you're basically in full agreement. No?

> by the end you're basically in full agreement

The article seems to be anti-blunt truth. No room for bluntness.

But the comment by 19h ends with "effective truth-tellers...speak hard truths but do so with compassion". So they appear to be pro-blunt but with a sprinkle of sugar. I agree! Stay hard and sweet!

Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#246

Post by riedel »

freetime2 wrote: post #206
PragmaticPulp wrote: post #182

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Instead, guide them towards the path to figuring out for themselves that they're wrong. Build a foundation of truths and facts they can evaluate their own beliefs against. If they change their mind, great. If they don't learn, you're no worse off than you were before (and your blood pressure will remain lower). I had a manager who would quietly disagree with things we said, then try to gently steer us toward the an…

Yup I have seen this technique used by someone who thought they were being tactful, but just came across as being totally patronizing and wasting a large amount of time. Polite directness is best. Explain your position as clearly as possible, your reservations with the alternative, what it would take to change your mind, and actually be open to considering alternatives and changing your mind. That being said, I think…

Totally agree. It can really feel passively aggressive to me if someone politely asks you to reflect. IMHO it is really important to be transparent. It is important for the opposite to understand also how important something is to you and why. I tend to really dislike people whose trained communication strategies you can observe, even it is something like nonviolent communication (whose underpinning I understand but am particularly bad at)

Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#247

Post by watwut »

19h wrote: post #38

This article reeks of weak sauce. Delivering truth in a "sensitive" manner is a sad testament to the frail sensibilities of modern society. If the unvarnished truth bothers you, that says more about your inadequacies than the person speaking it. Hiding behind convoluted psychological constructs like "hyper-rationality" and "super-reasonability" is a coward's way to avoid hard truths and difficult conversations. The t…

> This article reeks of weak sauce. Delivering truth in a "sensitive" manner is a sad testament to the frail sensibilities of modern society. If the unvarnished truth bothers you, that says more about your inadequacies than the person speaking it.

No, the article is 100% right. First of all, it is not actually talking about people who are factually right. It is talking about people who hide behind supposed rationality while putting strong emotional load into how they are saying it. Second, in the past societies, saying true things or things in general could get you into duel. Southern gentleman could lie ... but gentleman could not accept other people saying he lies.

It is not that truth is insensitive on itself. It is that how you say it is part of the message people getting offended are frequently actually reading you exactly correctly.

Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#249

Post by watwut »

geraneum wrote: post #4

This reminds me of: “People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.” Richard J. Needham

If your "honesty" never contains any positive message, well maybe it is not just others who are an issue. There is such a thing as a honest compliment. And if it is usually brutal or said in a way designed to elicit negative reaction, same applies.

Re: Is it my fault if you can't handle the truth? (2019)

#250

Post by watwut »

yarg wrote: post #101
maxbond wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find this a bit perplexing. What value is there in telling people they aren't beautiful or smart? What objective sense of beauty and smartness are you trying to hold them to? I can understand being bothered by things that are overly saccharine, I just don't understand the value proposition in providing a "counterpoint" or trying to check this in some way.

Because leading people to believe untrue things about themselves leads to horrific and often untimely realisations and disappointment later in life? Or maybe I'm just a cunt.

Except that people who feel good about themselves do much better off in their lives then people who are low on confidence? People who think they are ugly or worthless do worst regardless of what the actual state of situation is.
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