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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#241

Post by 0xbadcafebee »

alexashka wrote: post #95
anotheruser092 wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't get it. Would you be suggesting that truly selfless people don't like to be thanked? If so, I don't understand why that would be a good thing; there's nothing wrong to expect respect or basic appreciation for your help.

We're using the word differently. In the context of this thread, gratitude stands for expressing what you appreciate about your relationship with another. Do you see the problem here? If you like a flower, do you feel the need to thank it? No, right? A flower does what flowers do. So what's different about this scenario? The difference is you're using expression of gratitude as a tactic to manipulate. If you're think…

Gratitude, the definition of the word, means "a feeling of appreciation (or similar positive response) by a recipient of another's kindness, gifts, help, favours, or other form of generosity to the giver of such gifts". It is a feeling you get when you appreciate something about some one / some thing other than yourself. Expressing gratitude is communicating that feeling, typically out of a desire to share the feeling, because you want others to feel good feelings too. It has nothing to do with narcissism.

If the flower could hear you, it would like to hear that it made you feel good. Flowers can't hear, but people can.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#242

Post by jrh206 »

Ntrails wrote: post #182
smt88 wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her I'm sure this was a painful lesson to learn, but I hope you took the right thing away from it. No healthy relationship is going to include 400 daily poems. It makes it seem like the subject of the poems is being put on a pedestal and idealized, not perceived as a real person with flaws. It comes across as obsessive and, perhaps, insincere -- how can someone…

> No healthy relationship is going to include 400 daily poems. A bold and absolutist claim. The GPs relationship was clearly not healthy, but the idea that no healthy relationship could exist where there is a daily poem is kinda ridiculous?

It's a pretty good first order approximation.

If you've written 400 daily poems and it doesn't seem to be having a positive effect, then it's certainly time to stop. If it's going well, then fair enough, you do you.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#243

Post by em-bee »

anotheruser092 wrote: post #229
alexashka wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We're using the word differently. In the context of this thread, gratitude stands for expressing what you appreciate about your relationship with another. Do you see the problem here? If you like a flower, do you feel the need to thank it? No, right? A flower does what flowers do. So what's different about this scenario? The difference is you're using expression of gratitude as a tactic to manipulate. If you're think…

I heard about the flower metaphor before, so I actually hear what you're saying now. The last time I heard this metaphor was in the context of avoiding too much flattery or dependence on praise of others. So, a well-adjusted person does things because they want to, or a have a responsibility to, without relying too much on praise. I think this framing is useful for a person too reliant on others' opinions for happine…

that makes a lot more sense, but this is from the perspective of the receiver not depending on gratitude. parent poster however goes much further by rejecting gratitude as manipulative, which is a rather toxic attitude.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#244

Post by InitialLastName »

mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

In order for a relationship to remain healthy, the communication has to be bi-directional (and both parties need to feel that it is bi-directional). Writing a poem to your partner every day can be fine; if it makes your partner feel like it drowns out or undermines their signals to you, it's insensitive.

If you have an issue with your communication to your partner (either in not producing it consistently or not feeling that it's received consistently), changing it up to something you can generate (and/or your partner can receive in the intended spirit), building a habit that changes up your communication can help. On the other hand, if that habit makes your partner feel inundated, overwhelmed, or drowns out their communication to you, it can make things worse.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#245

Post by cjohnson318 »

the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

I think it's the American Reality, if you're extremely fortunate. The American Dream was to be able to comfortably support a family on one income with a high school diploma.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#247

Post by eric4smith »

Writing a note every day is just pedestalizing your partner unless it’s bidirectional.

Also, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a real thing.

So very bad advice if it’s just one way. That’s actually si*p behavior.

Very good advice if it’s symmetrical.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#248

Post by kixiQu »

eric4smith wrote: post #247

Writing a note every day is just pedestalizing your partner unless it’s bidirectional. Also, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a real thing. So very bad advice if it’s just one way. That’s actually si*p behavior. Very good advice if it’s symmetrical.

The underlying value here seems to be that good communication is absolutely essential. The kind of person who goes into SEO blogging professionally is likely a very comfortable writer. It may be that one person is better able to express themselves in a written form, and one person is better able to express themselves orally. It sounds like this isn't really about the ceremony of the note - they're handling household logistics – so much as putting the effort into communicating, so I could see that being best done by one person as writing, and by the other spoken.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#249

Post by shellfisher »

the_gipsy wrote: post #171
insightcheck wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The author is the founder, owner, and operator of a company, and from a quick view, is quite successful at his work. Plus, he is in a relationship where his partner is supportive of his dreams and long hours. And he has kids at the same time. That sounds like a great life to me. Not a lot of people get the opportunity, and not very many people can pull it off. I'm sure life will be more relaxed when the kids leave th…

> Plus, he is in a relationship where his partner is supportive of his dreams and long hours. The fact that he needs a servant-wife to be able to support his career is a red flag. Having so many children and spending so much time working also means he can't have meaningful relationships with all of them.

The fact that you think she’s a servant says more about you than them.

As well say he’s the servant, working long hours while she gets to enjoy closer relationships with their children.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#250

Post by sleepydog »

tlarkworthy wrote: post #91

My wife and I write an annual letter to one another. They are truly magical and they are great to read back, often bringing us to tears and capturing the struggles of raising children, moving continents etc. They unleash memories when read. We have ten years of them and they are truly amazing and I recommend it as a slightly less involved shared (two way) ritual .

I do this as well with my wife of 10 years, although it's not something we agreed upon -- it just ends up happening in lieu of or in addition to a birthday/anniversary/valentine/whatever gift. Agreed on all points.
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