Push yourself to regularly do some of the things that you avoid doing because they make you uncomfortable. For example water cooler talk used to be hard for me as it felt really awkward. So I would regularly try to strike up a conversation with people despite being terrified. The big change for me came when work wanted me to do some presales and face to face meeting with clients. It was hard but very worth it, now I have successes I can point myself to when things get bad.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
241–250 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#242Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice.…
This may sound like a dumb question, but which person in the before picture, and which person in the after? It's like four different people. :D
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#243Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…
+1 to worrying less about what other people think of you. Ironically, this caring less can actually make people like you more (because you seem more confident).
How do you stop caring? I would give nearly anything for this superpower. Even obviously completely insignificant moments that matter to no-one can stick with me for days, and some stay with me for years, bubbling up and causing anxiety or low mood out of nowhere. No amount of rational analysis or forced positive thinking seems to help.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#244Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…
Same here. As a shy guy in my 20s I went to a small club on 300mg of Ecstasy, and over 5 hours I introduced myself to pretty much everybody in the place, asked a random girl to dance and went backstage to chat in another language with the band. I just felt I was a human among other humans. At home among friends.
I must've been pretty clearly high as a kite, but the lesson I learned that night is that people generally are approachable, not that scary and we just want to have a good time. The negative side effects was thinking I had fallen in mad love with a complete stranger, and the extreme dehydration that caused me to drink about 5L of water over as many hours.
I haven't taken MDMA since, I plan to try it again later in my life when I'm content with my place in the world (no more than once a season, as Shulgin recommended), but it was certainly an eye opening experience I will treasure forever. This relaxed and optimistic view of the world and other people has been with me since that very night.
With the correct set and setting, MDMA is something everyone should experience once in their lives.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#245For me it was learning a formula for talking to anyone. You just have to have a few canned questions about them that you can ask to spur conversation. They're painfully boring to hear yourself asking over and over, and it feels like a transparent ploy, but it completely works. "How long have you lived around here? Oh, where did you move from? Really? Oh, what made you decide to do that move? Do you ever go back?" etc. Like, literally, this script right here has gotten me through so many otherwise-awkward social situations (including dates) that it's like gold to me. Because I am, at heart, really awkward. I think it basically amounts to A) showing an interest in the other person, which people love, and B) not leaving conspicuous awkward silence by always having something to kick the conversation forward.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#246Earlier quoted context omitted.
That doesn’t sound like it would help with every day awkwardness, does it? I presume that’s what OP wanted help with.
It really does. It's regular practice with supportive people. And it's structured, so if you are shy about sudden surprise situations, it can be comforting to know what is expected. It's not a panacea, but it's easy to get started, accessible and designed to help you be more comfortable talking. Try it, if you want to talk to people more.
> And it's structured, so if you are shy about sudden surprise situations, it can be comforting to know what is expected
That’s what I mean, I believe people like the OP tend to be concerned about daily life, random encounters, completely unstructured situations. Just not sure how much public speaking carries over.
I think it’s quite possible to become a great public speaker, singer, actor or similar, and still be shy in every day life. It seems like largely separate skillsets to me. But I’m no expert.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#247My mother used to listen to those MLM casettes about selling. One piece of advice that stuck was "Nobody is born smiling. The first thing a human does is cry. You have to learn to smile."
My default smile is sultry. That's awkward in a lot of situations. So when I smile, I'd cover my mouth, and I'd avoid smiling in photos.
I had to practice. It was like throwing a basketball; everyone knew how to throw a ball but not throw it the right way. There's a few smiles - the photo smile, that cute smile with your eyes, the instant smile upon seeing a pretty stranger, the "I enjoy your company" smile to use in dates and interviews.
After a while, it overrode my natural smile. It didn't even take very long, probably a month or two of practice in the shower. I learned to apply that to every single social skill.
Listening is probably the best skill to be charming. Make a habit of listening first, then deciding what to say. Public speaking is a skill too. The way my trainer taught it, you have to load your head with bullet points and then speak it out without sorting the words beforehand. If you can combine those two skills together - make bullet points in your head while someone is talking, then speaking from those bullet points, you can sound very sharp and charismatic (people love it when you're paying attention).
I still haven't fixed my posture at 30+ but so far it's a dump stat.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#248Here are a few steps you can take.
- Regular physical exercise(running, hiking, workout, sports, etc)
- Some form of meditation practice (Checkout tm.org)
- Therapy/coaching where an experienced person can give you tailored advice
- Investing in improving public speaking skills
- Improving knowledge and expertise in one or more areas
- Taking on projects(work or personal) and showing impact to others
Don't try to do all of them at once but maybe take baby steps every day. Consistency is more important in the long term. During this process, be very kind to yourself. This is where meditation will help you to see your positives and negatives as an observer without being judgmental. If you stay it, you will improve and will see amazing changes. Good luck!
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#249Earlier quoted context omitted.
And lots of chicken breast, right? I’m amazed at your progress! I worked with you 12 years ago. What a small world! Can confirm, he was awkward (but also talented)!
Absurd amounts of chicken breast. (Illini Media?)
Your gains do not have to be someone else's loss
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#250It was realizing I could train my mind/social abilities the same way I trained my body in the gym. In the gym, if your goal is to increase strength you build up slowly incrementing weights as you get stronger. The same idea can be applied to the mind. I realized I was very awkward in situations where I didn’t know people, so I started coming up with little workouts to train myself to be more comfortable with strangers- the easiest thing is to give complements. You’re in line to get a coffee, you see someone with cool shoes “nice shoes” and the person says “thanks!” Then when that gets easy, you increase the challenge.