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The year I didn't survive

bessstillman.substack.com

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Re: The year I didn't survive

#231

Post by kragen »

WarOnPrivacy wrote: post #205
kragen wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Give her a call. Your lifetime isn't over yet! She may be open to your love now, and likely would at least want to revive your friendship.

Thank you for this hopeful suggestion. I think a relationship isn't in the cards, atm. In her case, I live 1k miles away from her life. More generally, me+5sons live in tight quarters with all incomes needed to make basic bills. What I left out of my OP is I was competing with her longtime boyfriend and my odds never were good (I did come close a few times tho). He owned an upscale restaurant, for starters. He was al…

Don't wait until fall.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#232

Post by homefree »

dingnuts wrote: post #211
verelo wrote: post #168

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Something did change, and i think it’s good you feel that. Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. There were a few ex…

>Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. If you're someone who struggles with chronic depression this statement is extremely demoralizing. But it'…

A lot of psych research is bullshit that doesn't replicate - it's the dark ages over there, medicine before germ theory.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#233

Post by UncleEntity »

sonofhans wrote: post #224

I’ve read this thread with familiarity and empathy and want to say: some people here are describing symptoms of PTSD. A traumatic event, however brief, can cause lasting repercussions in our body and mind. If you find yourself listless, ruminating over the event, scared, over-reactive, walking through a fog — and it goes on and you seemingly don’t get better — this is exactly what PTSD feels like. The initial conditi…

You get used to it.

Shit goes crazy then you pick up the pieces and move on. The trick is to not drag anyone else down with you.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#234

Post by nyarlathotep_ »

justforaoneoff wrote: post #23
CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of…

Something you're never told when you're young is that life WILL take things from you, will never return them, and you'll never be the same.

You don't know how much, when, how or why, but it will happen. I consider someone blessed if they make it to middle-age largely "intact."

When you're young and unencumbered and largely undamaged you need to use that time in any way you can; inevitably you'll end up "walking wounded" one way or another--less than you were--unable to return to who you were before whatever(s) happened.

When I was young I'd encounter older men that struck me as "defeated", tired, incurious, dismissive, and I'd never understood why until the last ~half decade or so of my life.

I really think human "life" and vitality is something that does get "spent", often against your will.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#235

Post by smoyer »

I lost my mother last Wednesday and today would have been her 85th birthday. Her life wasn't truncated like the OP's story or many of the comments here but ... These anecdotes are making me realize that I'm not really recognizing my loss yet.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#236

Post by vmurthy »

I rarely cry when I read (or in general) but the poignancy of this article was too much . I remember how many changes my wife's body went through during our second pregnancy . Juxtapose all the things that Bess went through, it is too cruel to even think of . Have strength Bess <3

Re: The year I didn't survive

#237

Post by bmoffatt »

bironran wrote: post #223

"How is this our life?" I asked that question so many times (for reference, see my comment on Jake's thread https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41163619 ). I asked it of my late wife. I asked it of my therapist. I asked it of my daughter, when she was sleeping. "Is this my life now?" The first few months were terrible. Then things started to get better. Before anyone jumps and says "a few months?! That's nothing!",…

I’m happy to see the reference to your comment from last year again.

It was a few months out from my wife’s passing, and your Irreverent Guide recommendation has been one of a few genuinely helpful things for me so far.

At the time I passed over the children’s book suggestions, but my daughter might appreciate them now.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#238

Post by Projectiboga »

stef25 wrote: post #123
justforaoneoff wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of…

Similar here. Covid happened, lost my relationship of 15 years, had a total mental breakdown, lost my job, lost 20Kg, substance abuse, spent all my savings, struggle to pay bills. Lost my dad 2 months ago. Unemployed for a year now. I'll never be able to get back to where I was professionally. Feel dumb, confused and my memory sucks. Three shitty ass years. Medicated. Slowly starting to see some light. My two young k…

Try and get sunlight on your retina 20 min 3 days a week. It can be through your eyelids but not through glass or glasses. That vitamin C and one of the B vitamins all help load the pathways to make serotonin. It won't magically fix your life but it can also help bootstrap your outlook. It can be grounding to watch the sun shift over the seasons. Best wishes.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#239

Post by bironran »

bmoffatt wrote: post #237
bironran wrote: post #223

"How is this our life?" I asked that question so many times (for reference, see my comment on Jake's thread https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41163619 ). I asked it of my late wife. I asked it of my therapist. I asked it of my daughter, when she was sleeping. "Is this my life now?" The first few months were terrible. Then things started to get better. Before anyone jumps and says "a few months?! That's nothing!",…

I’m happy to see the reference to your comment from last year again. It was a few months out from my wife’s passing, and your Irreverent Guide recommendation has been one of a few genuinely helpful things for me so far. At the time I passed over the children’s book suggestions, but my daughter might appreciate them now.

I'm so happy (well... I'm something. happy is somewhat hard to come by these days) that I helped a fellow widower. We're in this alone, but together.

My personal view is to hide nothing, NOTHING, from my daughter. The tears, the grief, the pictures, the videos. Talking about death using "death" and not "passed away". Talking about the memories and feelings. About a person no longer being here (not spiritual so no "heaven" for us, no waiting to be reunited). And, so far at least (just closing on 2 years, daughter grew from 4.5 to 6.5), it seems to be working very well. She's happy, active, well adjusted, charismatic and not prone to tantrums or worrisome behavior more than any other 6 years old. And her being happy makes me happy. I KNOW my late wife would've been proud of us both.

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