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Why making friends as an adult is harder

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Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#231

Post by cosmic_cheese »

qaboutthat wrote: post #181
cosmic_cheese wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve been cognizant of this for several years now, but almost immediately after I began to act on it, the pandemic hit and threw it all into disarray. Since then I’ve moved which has enabled a massive CoL reduction which is great, but at the same time I’m not sure this is where I want to be for even the next 5-10 years and so I’ve been resistant to putting down roots. Needing to drive to do anything also doesn’t help…

> so I’ve been resistant to putting down roots Question about this. My partner is similar -- if we aren't going to be somewhere "forever" they are hesitant to do any "work" to socialize etc. because "we are leaving soon". In what ways do you perceive "putting down roots" as somehow unappealing if you don't know how long you'll be there? (I almost said "how long you'll be around" -- but none of us know that, so really…

Mostly, it boils down to how I’ve traditionally been terrible at maintaining connections to people who aren’t in my immediate vicinity (and conversely, most people I’ve met have also not been great at this). I can count the number of post-move non-immediate-family that I either stay connected to or don’t need to stay constantly connected to because picking up where we left off years ago is effortless on a single hand. It feels bad to make a bunch of friends that I probably won’t be able to keep if I move.

Other than that, if it’s likely that I’ll want/need to move some time in the near-ish future, it doesn’t make sense to build a situation that would make that future move more difficult (emotionally or otherwise) than it needs to be. Having a sizable social circle established prior to moving introduces room for messy hesitance and regret.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#232

Post by thrw42A8N »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #217
phil21 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

> Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhausting and incredibly anxiety inducing to me. If I didn't already have friends I could do spontaneous things with, I'm not sure how I'd be able to have any sort of social life at all. I certainly am not alone in this, even if I'm a minority. I feel similarly, but I don't understand how working at the office solves this problem. Are you saying that…

Not the OP, but yes. All my friends are former and current coworkers.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#233

Post by octokatt »

phil21 wrote: post #88
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

Differing perspective but wanted to share:

I find trying to socialize and make friends in an office situation to be incredibly stressful. Everyone in an office is there to primarily make money, and the politics implied make it hard for me to let my guard down and meaningfully connect with anyone.

I greatly prefer socializing with people over hobbies -- everyone is at the gathering willingly to enjoy a hobby, which means I have something in common with everyone participating.

Far superior, but then... I like having a groove and knowing when my next social gathering will be. I like routines. It sounds like you don't, which I can sympathize with, and I'm glad you have friends to spontaneously hang out with and hope you get to expand your circle and enjoy your life.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#234

Post by ravenstine »

phil21 wrote: post #88
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

> A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should.

This cannot be understated. When you consider the number of singles and young couples out there, it's pretty astounding how difficult it is to meet them in an organic manner. I totally agree with the person you were replying to, in the sense that people can get out there and just start meeting others, but it's still a tremendous investment of time and effort when the vast majority of other friendship-seeking individuals out there aren't investing anything close to that level of effort. I know because I've pretty much figured out how to just talk to people I meet in public, but it's still exhausting when your desire is to meet people who can be longer term friends or even romantic partners.

What makes things even more difficult is the limited number of venues where it's feasible or appropriate for people to meet each other. I recently considered joining a church in order to expand my social circle (and yes, as well as open myself up to spiritual experiences) but, frankly, church crowds today resemble senior groups. I love talking to elderly folks, but it can be difficult to relate to them on a close friendship level. I find this to also be true of other ways to form social circles, to a somewhat lesser extent. Many meetup groups are full of the 50+ crowd, and surprisingly devoid of the 20s through 40s crowd. I think the older generations are just better at getting out there regularly; young people tend to show up to a single event (and even paid classes!) and never return. I can't entirely blame them, but it's also a chicken-or-the-egg problem. Everyone complains about being lonely, but then they don't get out there and return to the same venues so they can see the same people repeatedly.

There's a lot of busy people, but I've met enough people who really aren't that busy that I think business is too often used as an excuse to not leave one's comfort zone. It's so easy to stay in the comfort of one's home that I think that's what many people resort to doing. Netflix, Reddit, Doordash, Amazon, Hinge, and Pornhub in combination are much too immediately satiating.

The are many options such as:

- Going to pubs and striking up conversations at the bar

- Meetup groups

- Volunteering

- Going to places like museums and striking up conversations

- Singles mixers

- Bar trivia nights

- Taking classes

And far too few people do them consistently, if at all.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#236

Post by __rito__ »

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

I definitely agree with this.

Also know that things outside of sports work great too, like amateur chess/photography club, local library reading groups, local hackers' club, voluntary organisations, etc.

I am saying this from experience. And will recommend.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#237

Post by __rito__ »

snakeyjake wrote: post #146
timoth3y wrote: post #108

Most of the things mentioned in the article result in making friends as an adult being different than making friends as a child, but not necessarily harder. I'm in my late 50s and continue to make new friends. I think the larger problem is that many approach friendship with the wrong expectations. As Zig Ziglar said. "If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, f…

>"If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, friends are everywhere." My brain solidified late, in my late 30s, but it did eventually solidify and when it did something like a switch or circuit breaker flipped and I came to this conclusion I'm going to pretend that I came to it independently. I have more, closer, friends in my 40s than I did at any time in my li…

I also have more and better friends at 25 then I had when I was 10 or 15 or 17.

One of the reasons, I think, is, being able to choose your friends. In schools, I was forced to see the same group of people every day, for years.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#238

Post by irrational »

bossyTeacher wrote: post #14
irrational wrote: post #6

I have a few board game groups I belong to. We occasionally also do things outside of board games. So, for me it was finding a common interest. Another factor, for me, is being married. My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everythin…

> My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc. The problem with latching to your wife's social network is that…

Did you miss the whole first paragraph?

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#239

Post by kwar13 »

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

Well said. I have had the exact same experience. As I have gotten older I have made more friends. More importantly, more meaningful connections that are by choice and not by circumstances.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#240

Post by shadowerm »

ravenstine wrote: post #234
phil21 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

> A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. This cannot be understated. When you consider the number of singles and young couples out there, it's pretty astounding how difficult it is to meet them in an organic manner. I totally agree with the person you were replying to, in the sense that people can get out there and just start meeting others, but it's still a tremendous investment of t…

I think many people have anxiety from a type of cognitive dissonance in this area.

They don't want to make friends, they want someone else to want to be their friend so they know they are liked in the real world. That is what is missing, not the actual experience of friendship. Even if someone asked them to be their friend, many would say no because it would take time away from what is really important to them. Netflix, Reddit, Doordash, Amazon, Hinge, and Pornhub.

How do I know this? Because it exactly describes myself.

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