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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#231

Post by ethagnawl »

felixnm wrote: post #61

The only regret I have in life (I'm in my mid-50s) is not attending the funeral of my friend's Mom. I didn't know her, so I figured I didn't have to go (I was in my early 20's, not that my age excuses anything). Another friend made me realize that I should've been there for my friend. After that, my friend moved away and things were never the same, no matter how hard I tried to keep in touch. Ever since, I always go…

> Ever since, I always go to the wake/funeral.

I was going to add a top-level comment adding that there's a bit of nuance here between _the wake_ (calling hours, as the author puts it) and _the funeral_.

I actually have a similar regret about not attending the _funeral_ for a friend's mother, although I did attend the wake. In retrospect, I absolutely should have gone to the funeral but, at least in the US, the expectations around who should attend _the funeral_ vary between religions/backgrounds/etc. and it can sometimes be hard to tell what the most appropriate move is. This is especially true if you're no longer/not very close to the family in question. Some families want _the funeral_ to be a more intimate, private affair and will sometimes even mention that it will be in the announcement.

But, to your and the author's point, I think as a general rule, _going_ is the better bet.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#232

Post by SoftTalker »

D13Fd wrote: post #49
o11c wrote: post #16

> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).

Honestly that seemed really high to me. I went to my first funeral at 41. I did go to a couple of viewings/wakes before that. I’m not religious, and I guess I just don’t know enough people who would invite me to a funeral.

I'm almost 60 and have only been to a handful of funerals. One or two as a kid for my grandparents who I don't even really remember, one in high school for a friend, and a few other relatives and friends on my wife's side of the family.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#233

Post by Merad »

SoftTalker wrote: post #222
wvlia5 wrote: post #105

I think I won't go to my parents funeral (when the time comes). I don't see the value of standing next to their corpses. I didn't go to my grandma funeral, I don't regret it. I regret not having had deeper relationship with her. Same with my parents. Will have many regrets, but I believe not saying goobye to their corpses won't be one.

Neither of my parents had a funeral. They both said they didn't want people coming in and looking at their dead body.

It's not about looking at the body (in my area at least, funerals usually don't even display the body), it's about grieving and mourning. Or supporting other people who are going through grief and mourning, even if you don't feel it very strongly yourself. My mom died of cancer about a month after lockdown started in 2020 so we couldn't have any kind of service, but we had a "celebration of life" a year later. I'm glad that we did.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#234

Post by a3w »

I will not attend any more funerals, unless I get the church to stay out of it. The priests at the last events I attended to did not know the diseased. Even the wedding speeches I heard took place with nothing concrete on the people in questions. As for mostly church funerals in my significant others or my family: - Boring while overwhelming, - a farce since everyone planning it is either fighting or not caring enough to start a fight, - and not at all about dealing with death in a good way (grief, laughter, moving on. Something cultural should happen, but no one at the events ever found it. Only jealousy and nepotism were present if you heard any discussion about real values of having those funerals. And those came up behind closed doors.)

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#235

Post by SoftTalker »

Merad wrote: post #233
SoftTalker wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Neither of my parents had a funeral. They both said they didn't want people coming in and looking at their dead body.

It's not about looking at the body (in my area at least, funerals usually don't even display the body), it's about grieving and mourning. Or supporting other people who are going through grief and mourning, even if you don't feel it very strongly yourself. My mom died of cancer about a month after lockdown started in 2020 so we couldn't have any kind of service, but we had a "celebration of life" a year later. I'm gl…

Well, they both said they didn't want any of that, so we didn't do it.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#236

Post by jzb »

vitiral wrote: post #155
wvlia5 wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But it's a somewhat odd custom no? Funerals. Probably no one stood up to talk because it felt awkward, as it is. It's not like you hurt your friends feelings for not speaking up.

Funerals are an "odd custom"? What an entirely odd thing to say, I cannot imagine what you mean. Why is meditating on the passing of a friend, remembering their life and being present with the grief of their family "odd"??

As they are observed in the U.S., I'd argue they _are_ an odd custom, because it's so free-form.

I'm old enough that I've been to a number of funerals -- ranging from distant, much older family members when I was a kid, to funerals for an aunt not quite out of her 30s, a cousin not yet 20, and some friends or for family of my spouse.

A lot of the time the customs are _unclear_. The services vary a lot. There's a great deal of uncertainty around "what should I do?" Because we don't have a coherent funerary custom here. We have plenty of conflicting ideas and expectations around funerals.

So, on top of grief, you have the fear of "doing it wrong" and compounding someone's else's grief when you attend the funeral of a friend or family member. People have hurt feelings because friends and family members don't live up to their assumptions about what someone else should (or shouldn't) do at a funeral.

In some ways, it'd be comforting if it were more scripted and you knew exactly what you were expected to do, say, and so forth.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#237

Post by wbl »

myko wrote: post #204
jll29 wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To ask "why are you here?" suggests these people were poorly raised or just plain rude. Attendees of a funeral make an effort to pay their respects to the deceased and to express their condolences to the family left behind.

If I understand correctly I think they and ended up in the line of folks being given condolences as if they were close family. Sounds extremely awkward and like a plot Michael Scott would get himself wrapped into.

There are much gentler ways to point out the mishap and correct it but a funeral is not likely to have people on their best manners.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#238

Post by pjmlp »

cobbaut wrote: post #177

Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…

Also don't leave for later things you can do today.

I lost family members the day after having phone calls, or planning stuff to do together the upcoming weekend.

Leaving something to do later instead of now, that later might be too late.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#239

Post by ivanche »

shever73 wrote: post #110

This is a very Irish thing. Funerals in Ireland are always well-attended and going to a funeral - even of someone you don't know - is important in the community (see this recent news article, for example[0]). I notice the author's surname is Sullivan. As my grandmother liked to repeat: "If you don't go to someone's funeral, they won't come to yours." [0] https://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/crowd-shows-up-to-funera...…

Ah now I understand why it was a lot of fun at Finnegan's wake!

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#240

Post by hk1337 »

cobbaut wrote: post #177

Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…

> Where the hell were you guys the past three years?

Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you? Maybe your aunt never really thought to bring up that so-and-so had come to visit while you were there, so then as far as you know, nobody came to visit? Maybe they called, sure it's not the same as visiting but it's something.

It's true though, as humans we tend to not think about things and other people until they are gone. Don't be angry and upset, if anything, pity them for not having the time that you had.

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