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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#231

Post by em-bee »

otikik wrote: post #163
the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

Children require a lot of time. I only have a single one, and I am already struggling with no time to do anything. I admit I am not the best at time management. With 4 children ... I can't even conceive how that would be. I would probably love them to death but would consider escaping into the wildness every night.

time overlaps, it doesn't accumulate. two kids takes maybe 20% more time than one kid, not 100% more. and as kids get older, more kids means they can occupy themselves more easily because they play together, and are not alone seeking your attention.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#232

Post by mikepurvis »

mempko wrote: post #187
nlnn wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Obviously it's not quite the same thing, but reminds me of an old neighbour we had. She used to love baking, and would bring round cakes/pastries/bread for us all the time. It was really nice at first, but also made us feel very awkward/bad that we didn't reciprocate (neither of us really cook much), even though we'd never asked for the cakes. Eventually we had to ask her to stop, since we just didn't want to eat tha…

Debts are what bind neighbors and communities together. You felt bad because you were in debt to her giving but didn't want to have a relationship with that person by reciprocating. Often, the worst thing you can do in relationships is to get out of debt. Debts are a reason for people to see each other. By telling that person to 'stop baking', you told them essentially 'i don't want to have a relationship with you'.…

Great book. Another good one is Sacred Economics by Charles Eisenstein, which covers some of the same ground, in terms of understanding the dynamics that tie together people and communities, ensuring fairness and an appropriate level of redistribution, but with needing a formal money system or taxation. (Potlatching, for example...)

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#233

Post by em-bee »

astura wrote: post #197
em-bee wrote: post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

could the downvoters please explain why? i am really interested, do you not believe that getting to know someone can make them more attractive? do you not believe that it is possible to misjudge someone on their first impression? what else am i missing that makes you disagree with me?

You aren't wrong, the downvote are a defense mechanism. People can blame their inability to have a relationship on outside factors (age/genetic makeup) if physical attractiveness was set in stone and the most important thing. It's a worldview where they don't have to look at their personality or behavior critically, so its an incredibly appealing worldview to some.

that's a good point, and sadly apps like tinder just reinforce that

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#234

Post by otikik »

em-bee wrote: post #231
otikik wrote: post #163

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Children require a lot of time. I only have a single one, and I am already struggling with no time to do anything. I admit I am not the best at time management. With 4 children ... I can't even conceive how that would be. I would probably love them to death but would consider escaping into the wildness every night.

time overlaps, it doesn't accumulate. two kids takes maybe 20% more time than one kid, not 100% more. and as kids get older, more kids means they can occupy themselves more easily because they play together, and are not alone seeking your attention.

Thanks for the info, that ship has sailed for me now anyway.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#235

Post by em-bee »

jordanmoconnor wrote: post #211
astura wrote: post #203

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Women almost never willingly birth 4 kids in the span of 6 years without very strong outside influence. My guess here would be religion based on age (first kid at ~24). Either that or there's multiple multiple births. If their religion demands they have so many kids so quickly it's unlikely he helps out with the childrearing activities and leaves it to his wife, I'm which case his life is probably not very different…

Author here - Religion doesn't demand having lots of kids, though the Bible does say having lots of kids is a blessing. 4 kids 6 and younger is one child every two years. My youngest is 6 months. It's an aggressive pace but hardly unreasonable. We wanted to have all of our kids together so they could be friends. And it makes the parenting window much shorter (25 years until they are all adults and moving out). Some p…

every two years doesn't feel that aggressive. my brothers and me are closer together. and most people i know are similar. my own kids are spread out by three years, and that's only because the doctors here said that after a c-section you have to wait 3 years before you can have another child. to me that feels quite spread out. the age difference between the oldest and the youngest is 6 years, and sometimes it's a challenge for them to get along because of that age difference.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#237

Post by mikepurvis »

zarzavat wrote: post #52
sneak wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The love languages concept is pseudoscience, just like the MBTI.

I wouldn't say it's pseudoscience, it's not science at all. It's just a list of five different things which different people may value more or less. Understanding your partner's values may not be scientific, but it is a good idea.

I think it's well understood at this point that it's pretty much about giving people some shared language to talk about needs in a relationship. However, even with that, there's some contention— "words of affirmation" specifically seems to get a lot of heat.

Like, yes it's valuable to be aware of your partner and use those observations to uplift them, but it can also swing into some pretty unhealthy territory too ("when you raised that issue with me, I felt criticized, and then my words of affirmation need wasn't met any more; if you love me, you need to demonstrate that by not raising things with me") or even becoming a demand for unrealistic, toxic positivity ("I need you to be positive about/to me no matter what; I will be dependent on you for my emotional well-being, and if you're ever not positive to me, I'll become sullen and depressed and it will be your fault").

So yeah, love languages can be helpful as a starting point, but you still need guardrails in place (for example, a professional counselor) to make sure it doesn't get used in a manipulative, unhealthy, or unfair way.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#238

Post by em-bee »

wnolens wrote: post #221
xwdv wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do. Becau…

> Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. > This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do If…

for starters i think it helps to accept that the ideal partner doesn't exist. everyone has flaws on one way or another. the problem is that when you meet that seemingly ideal person some day, that person only looks ideal because you haven't seen their bad sides yet. i think it really helps to keep that in mind. better to deal with the devil you know, than starting over with an unknown.

for your problem, i would want to look closely what it is that makes you feel ambivalent after a few weeks. try giving it more time to see if you still feel like that. get to know each other better, plan your potential future life together to get an understanding what each of you want from a relationship. love alone is not enough.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#240

Post by chkaloon »

Reminds me of the habit we started in Marriage Encounter 20+ years ago. Same idea - communication. ME is Christian-based, and we have fallen away from that in recent years, but the concept was sound. The daily notes went a long way to improving communication and intimacy. This post prompts me to pick it up again.
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