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Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

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Re: Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

#231

Post by markdjacobsen »

abzug wrote: post #20

Thank you for this gesture. I lost almost everything. Job, 7-year relationship, my mental health. Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life like anybody else. I'm still alive, so there's that.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a dark night of the soul a few years ago amidst some professional setbacks. More recently, I've been on the edge of losing my 17-year marriage; we are still exploring whether reconciliation is possible.

The vulnerability, honesty, and goodwill in threads like this always warms my heart and bolsters my faith in humanity. I'll offer my own contribution. I wrote a deeply personal book called "Eating Glass" about navigating these seasons when everything seems to fall apart. I mention it from time to time on HN when I think it could be helpful, but today I'll just post the entire book for free: https://s3.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/com.markdjacobsen/Eating+.... My passion is just to help others walking similar journeys. Consider it a resource if it's helpful.

I wish you well on your own journey, and everyone else going through similar experiences.

Re: Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

#232

Post by zeusk »

bruceb wrote: post #215
zeusk wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

aren't there snow storms out here in PacNW? do you have a blog where you document your journey through the forests?

Rain, a little snow, but mostly just cold (very cold for here) in the next couple days at least in the Seattle metro area.

Seattle sure, but in cascades/olympic region it's deep snow (where I believe majority of forest trails are).

Re: Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

#233

Post by jl2718 »

abzug wrote: post #212
_huayra_ wrote: post #190

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What field are you in that you use Emacs? I'm always curious what non-IT folks that use some rather IT-specific tools do (not that Emacs is just for coding like gcc, but it's pretty rare to see it jump over the wall).

Attorney but I read a ton of programming-related stuff, know how to use the command-line and used Emacs for a bunch of stuff. It's my shell, rolodex, text editor, calendar, file manager and, being Emacs there's a lot of little functions and stuff that I've built for myself and/or to make things easy.

This always amazes me to hear from non-IT people. I’ve spent so much of my life being forced to use Cybernetting AnyOffice* that I can’t see how anybody would have been exposed to anything else without being part of some rogue nerd culture.

Good on you, man, and honestly, I should be the last to take advice from, but you might benefit from a serious skills check-in to see what your real deck of cards is. Sit down and do it with someone who likes you and wants you to succeed, because it seems like you might not be in a state to evaluate yourself favorably. You might discover that you’re sitting at the top and selling yourself into the bottom. I did this, and it was disastrous for my career. There’s probably an upward step you’re not seeing.

* https://youtu.be/UMXs9i201AQ

Re: Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

#234

Post by wobblybubble »

crossroadsguy wrote: post #69
abzug wrote: post #20

Thank you for this gesture. I lost almost everything. Job, 7-year relationship, my mental health. Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life like anybody else. I'm still alive, so there's that.

You were able to have a seven year long relationship. People spend their thirties or more without being in even one. I have tried and the best I could manage was 2 years. Second best was 4 months. At least according to me you definitely are not inadequate :)

I’m like OP except that I have not had a romantic relationship as an adult (I’m in my thirties).

What OP brought up is what I think about the most: that I am too inadequate to just have a normal life. Just going to work is a little painful since I have to (over)hear everyone else talking about their normal lives.

Re: Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

#235

Post by dpweb »

abzug wrote: post #20

Thank you for this gesture. I lost almost everything. Job, 7-year relationship, my mental health. Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life like anybody else. I'm still alive, so there's that.

Alone also, and that's ok. Don't be afraid to seek out help when you need it.

Re: Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

#237

Post by addnab »

abzug wrote: post #208
TedDoesntTalk wrote: post #200

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I went from a completely sedentary desk life to running a half-marathon in 7 months (includes a 1 month groin injury). On a treadmill, training myself. You can do it, too, and the effect on mood is spectacular. In fact the effect on mood comes way before a half-marathon. So don’t get overwhelmed and think you have to do that much.

Thanks, I have plans to exercise coming 2022.

Don't wait till 2022 or even tomorrow. You need to train your mind to see good habits like exercising as something fundamental as breathing instead of a chore. Start today. It can be little as single push up or a 10 sec plank. Start tiny and work your way up. Churning out a quick 25 pushups will soon be easy and effortless in a couple of months time if you can only do 1 today.

I'm not a fan of self help books in general but Atomic Habits really changed my mindset for good.

Re: Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

#239

Post by asdf_snar »

deepersprout wrote: post #42

I think this whole christmas thing makes a lot of people feel alone and depressed. I hate that. Posts like these make me think this even more. I am alone, and I like it. I can play Warzone and code some stuff I wanted to finish. I can do things I like. I know this may sound stupid, but if you feel alone, don't. There is no reason to. It's just a day like many others. There is really nothing to it. And we don't need "…

I took the post as just being part of any other day, it just coincidentally happened that it's Christmas, and out of the blue after my partner of four years with whom I had planned to move across the ocean, buy a house and have kids with, broke up with me yesterday. I think you have a solid point, that there's no reason to put holidays on a pedestal. But in this case, hey, who cares -- it really helped to read everything people here had to say. Being suddenly alone and without familiar warmth makes NYC feel so desperately lonely.

Re: Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas

#240

Post by thoms_a »

DeusExMachina wrote: post #98
deepersprout wrote: post #42

I think this whole christmas thing makes a lot of people feel alone and depressed. I hate that. Posts like these make me think this even more. I am alone, and I like it. I can play Warzone and code some stuff I wanted to finish. I can do things I like. I know this may sound stupid, but if you feel alone, don't. There is no reason to. It's just a day like many others. There is really nothing to it. And we don't need "…

You might think you are helping people, but you are not. You can't argue against solitude. If people feel alone, it's because they would like to be around others, but can't. Telling them not to feel that way "just because" is useless, and telling them they should feel like you do because you decided it's better is just condescending.

It depends on your perspective. The extant reality is that we are all alone, although we perform incredible feats of mental gymnastics to convince ourselves otherwise.

OP has decided to simply rip off the band-aid, and accept reality. This is very painful in the short term, but incredible fulfilling in the long-term.

Human existence is individual existence. Human survival is group survival, but that is another matter entirely. Presently, our societies are not structured to incentivize survival (quite the opposite, in fact). The dissatisfaction expressed in this discussion is a result of this dissonance. However, individuals can rarely alter the behavior of society, and as such, investing one's energies in this direction is often destructive. This iteration of society will cease to exist, and the society which survives it will by necessity value relationships and fecundity. However, societies can stay unhealthy far longer than individuals can remain sane. Therefore, it is best to accept solitude, and be pleasantly surprised, than to dread it and suffer.

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