Ask HN: Are you ok? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#231

Post by memetomancer » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:44 PM UTC

Sharma wrote: post #118

memetomancer wrote: post #73

I ain't, that's for sure. I recently quit my job (HPC) without another one lined up, due entirely to stress. Something had to give and I decided that if I wasn't able to manage the stress I wasn't fit for the job any more. Kinda snapped, took a week off and spontaneously gave 2 weeks notice on my return. Wasn't really thinking straight. It's been a few weeks since I split and I'm starting to run out of money, but sad…

>> "... and am unmotived to dive back into the fray..." What is done is gone now. Think about it this way: You were stressed because of that situation/job which is no more with you. So why continue thinking about it and not be motivated again for a new job which definitely will be better or at the least different than the previous one? Get back in the job market and start preparing with a positive attitude towards yo…

thanks for the pep talk!

Just typing it all out was pretty cathartic, getting a positive response in return gave a lil burst of renewed confidence. thx :)

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#232

Post by jcpsimmons » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:44 PM UTC

tasogare wrote: post #206

Situation degraded over the time. I'm a beginning PhD student in a small lab in a top university of the country I live. Basically every of my projects have been cancelled. A paper I was writing and cared about for a small conference too. I'm forced to write something for a really hard conference about something that's not my idea on a topic I don't care. I have a "special" treatment: I have to point most of the work…

Some similar experience in my own PhD journey. I think two things are likely the cause:

- Academia attracts sociopaths - Academia is slowly imploding, thus resources are becoming more scarce, thus folks are bitter.

Hang in there and gtfo of academia as fast as you can. My quality of life has improved immensely since I've left.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#233

Post by wysifnwyg » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:45 PM UTC

theanine wrote: post #55

Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person and all the symptoms disappear. My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm gett…

I had a scary similar situation. I continued to search for a new position and after four months, I was able to find something that was a much better fit.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#234

Post by westoncb » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:45 PM UTC

hntemp190912 wrote: post #113

No. My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time. I'm not coping with it. I can't sleep well, and at night my thoughts are filled with ideas of suicide. The thought of putting a gun to my head is calming, like I'd finally be able to relax. I imagine a lot of elaborate and violent ways to go, and these thoughts seem to be the only things that relax me enough to fall asleep. There's no point…

> My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time.

It's probably really worth it to change your work situation—it might help with the other issues even if it seems unrelated.

When you're really stressed it can have a big impact on your thinking in other areas, even if you'd swear your thoughts are based purely on an objective assessment.

It may be that you make a change, work somewhere else, maybe even change careers—whatever it takes to not be constantly stressed—and then the other parts of your life begin falling into place.

Be patient with it, but if you get away from the stressful stimuli for long enough your mind will start naturally settling again and many of your problems may clear up.

When you say this for instance: > I have literally nothing to look forward to

It may surprise you some day that you couldn't think of anything at this time while answers are so easily available then.

Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#235

Post by teppifk » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:46 PM UTC

satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer.

Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life.

> I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction.

It's not any different when an electrician, lawyer or a doctor wants to talk shop. Most people you will interact with don't have the same interests as you.

> I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype

Virtually no one fits cleanly into stereotypes. Stereotypes are useful for generalizing groups, not individuals. "Sportsfanning" is highly correlated with a rich social life, but you are confusing cause and effect.

> That I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same of this, and the few people I have contact with disappear in one way or the other. Sometimes I ask, why bother?

All of the rationalization about software engineering, "nerdy" interests is leading you astray. None of those are barriers to a fulfilling social life. Your social life issues are due to any number of problems. It could be depression, anxiety, it could be poor social skills. It is possible (maybe less likely) that you have little interest in deep social connections, but you have to evaluate carefully whether you are really unhappy with just a small online circle, or are you just worried because you appear away from the norm.

In any event I encourage you to think deeply about your situation. If you want to change anything, quitting software engineering won't help. It will most likely require a great deal of struggle. Depression and anxiety are not easily shaken off. Learning social skills like most things is harder later in life. I can assure you people in your position have improved, but only after taking stock of what is holding them back and seeking appropriate assistance.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#236

Post by ibejoeb » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:46 PM UTC

hazeii wrote: post #65

How did we even end up here? As a greybeard, messing with computers has always been fun for me. Yet somehow, slowly the system has morphed it into a way to grind talented people into the ground with impossible deadlines and insane demands - to the point where we need websites like this.

Guess it depends on how grey. If you saw garage tinkering turn into a new industry, it was probably fantastic. If you came up in the already industrialized times, a job's a job, right?

From my perspective I'd say that programmers, in general, have it pretty good, as jobs go.

That doesn't mean a programmer is going to be happy. You just might not be happier doing anything else, either, and you might even dislike it more. Imagine punching a clock, which is practically unheard of in the western software industry...

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#237

Post by heliodor » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:46 PM UTC

MGGJFU wrote: post #180

satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

That's surprising. I think software engineering is one of the cooler professions now, perception wise. Embrace it and don't be afraid to be nerdy.

"Cool" is a vague term. Pick some clearer labels against which to evaluate and you'll be able to have clearer answers.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#238

Post by EulersBridge » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:46 PM UTC

sad-throwaway wrote: post #211

No... but I'm not sure what to do about it I spoke with a therapist, but it hasn't helped me much; he basically admitted he didn't know what to suggest. Maybe I'm weird, and need to find the right therapist, which is what people suggest when I tell them this hasn't been that useful What else can I do, HN? I feel so lonely all the time. I don't have any close friends and people only talk to me at work about work. I do…

One of the best nuggets of advice I got from a psycholgist was this: call around, most therpists are open to talking for a couple minutes to a prospective patient. Find the one you gel with the most, and go to them, if that doesnt work, try and try again, until you find someone who fits.

You are not unwanted, I'm proud that you were able to reach out and talk about your issues here, that is often the first step.

When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold on for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#239

Post by sixothree » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:46 PM UTC

satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

I hate that I love my work and the software I create more than anything else in my life.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#240

Post by hazeii » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 3:46 PM UTC

52-6F-62 wrote: post #115

hazeii wrote: post #65

How did we even end up here? As a greybeard, messing with computers has always been fun for me. Yet somehow, slowly the system has morphed it into a way to grind talented people into the ground with impossible deadlines and insane demands - to the point where we need websites like this.

> the system has morphed it into a way to grind talented people into the ground with impossible deadlines and insane demands My experience with computers has been the same. That and music. I make it a major point to watch for flags of that kind of environment with any company I speak to. I'm a realist and not every day can be the most fun ever—sometimes there's a bit of a grind—but it shouldn't be the default status.…

> That and music

Given the subject matter and I happened to be listening to Avicii at the time, there was a particular resonance.