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Why making friends as an adult is harder

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Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#221

Post by wakawaka28 »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #219
wakawaka28 wrote: post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For games stuff, you can go to game stores and competitions. There are book clubs too. The trouble with a lot of these things is that most people don't actually want to make friends who are all about either of those things. They want to make demographically matched friends that are willing to do more than one thing. If your game group is a bunch of 18 year old dorky dudes, and you're in your 30s, you are likely to fe…

> They want to make demographically matched friends that are willing to do more than one thing. If your game group is a bunch of 18 year old dorky dudes, and you're in your 30s, you are likely to feel out of place. Sure, but why is it a given that the game group is all the same age? The groups I'm in vary from somewhere below the drinking age (never asked), to people in their 60s and above. Now, granted, I'm 40 - I'm…

Board games tend to attract young people. I know there can be a few oddballs who make the group technically appear to range from 12 to 80 or something, and like one or two girls who make it technically have women there. But if 90% of the group is 12-25 year old boys and young men, this seems like an inefficient way to meet people you can really hang with as an older guy, and also an extremely inefficient way to get dates. As long as you enjoy it and know what you're getting into I guess it's fine. Sometimes being the old man with a few extra resources can be beneficial. But I'm not looking for more work than I already have.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#222

Post by pavel_lishin »

comprev wrote: post #214
brightball wrote: post #24

I really committed myself to solving this for myself a few years back. It does take commitment. A few things I’ve done that work: 1. Start a “Dad’s night” with people in my neighborhood. We picked Wednesday night from 9 - 10pm. Started out just as BYOB in my back yard. Eventually we periodically went to a local pub that was near the neighborhood. When you have kids of a certain age, it’s inconsiderate to bail on your…

Not sure I agree with you about #4... religious groups prey on the vulnerable and you initiating contact is just heavenly for them.

I don't disagree with you on the basic premise, but I'm pretty sure that the person you're replying to is a religious adult who has their shit together, and is probably not going to a church group that meets in a van down by the river, and practices "Steveism" or whatever.

For all of my problems with religion, churches are a good way for religious people to make friends and establish a social circle. It's one of the few Third Places left in our society.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#223

Post by ryandrake »

tiffanyh wrote: post #180
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

Are you a parent? I ask because your friend group will radically be shaped by who you’d kids friends are.

This was true for people I know who had kids 20 years ago, but not so much today. When I became a parent, I thought I’d be meeting and hanging around with all the other parents, but so far (kid is now 12), this didn’t end up happening. Kids all hang out online now. Nobody wants to get together in person. My kid has had some friends for years, where I still have not even met the friends’ parents. In the rare event one of them wants to come over to our home to visit, the parent quietly drops the kid off at the end of our driveway and speeds away like a ninja.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#224

Post by mixmastamyk »

baron816 wrote: post #153
mixmastamyk wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I like the idea but see no need to limit it to men.

I wouldn’t want it to fall victim to the same phenomenon as running clubs—people just use it for dating. Men need a space of their own.

Seems the cure is worse than the disease.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#225

Post by acuozzo »

The biggest issue I have in making & keeping friends is that I'm constantly haunted by my backlog and the fact that I'm time-poor due to having a wife, three children, and a home to maintain.

Do I take three hours today to talk to some strangers or do I spend that time fixing my staircase or remediating the mold issue in my upstairs bathroom or do I finally build that STEM kit my 10 year old has been asking me to do with him for the past few weeks?

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#227

Post by tiffanyh »

ryandrake wrote: post #223
tiffanyh wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you a parent? I ask because your friend group will radically be shaped by who you’d kids friends are.

This was true for people I know who had kids 20 years ago, but not so much today. When I became a parent, I thought I’d be meeting and hanging around with all the other parents, but so far (kid is now 12), this didn’t end up happening. Kids all hang out online now. Nobody wants to get together in person. My kid has had some friends for years, where I still have not even met the friends’ parents. In the rare event one…

Must be age dependent.

I have a 4-year old, it’s 100% whoever my kids friends = my friends.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#228

Post by SergeAx »

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> You just gotta show up and see the same people every week over and over.

I second that. I started dancing social Argentinian tango at about 35, first just visiting classes, then practicas, then milongas. I now have more friends from there than from my school and university years.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#230

Post by pavel_lishin »

wakawaka28 wrote: post #221
pavel_lishin wrote: post #219

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> They want to make demographically matched friends that are willing to do more than one thing. If your game group is a bunch of 18 year old dorky dudes, and you're in your 30s, you are likely to feel out of place. Sure, but why is it a given that the game group is all the same age? The groups I'm in vary from somewhere below the drinking age (never asked), to people in their 60s and above. Now, granted, I'm 40 - I'm…

Board games tend to attract young people. I know there can be a few oddballs who make the group technically appear to range from 12 to 80 or something, and like one or two girls who make it technically have women there. But if 90% of the group is 12-25 year old boys and young men, this seems like an inefficient way to meet people you can really hang with as an older guy, and also an extremely inefficient way to get d…

I guess I haven't gone to too many boardgame meetups, but D&D seems to have a pretty decent age spread to me; in fact, it tends to lean older than younger.

I have no comment on the dating aspect; I'm monogamously married, and have no particular opinion on the matter, though I will say that D&D leans so heavily male, I can count the number of women I've played with in the past six months on two hands without needing fingers. It's a problem in the hobby. :/

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