The stable marriage problem and modern dating • Hacker News Board

Re: The stable marriage problem and modern dating

#221

Post by vlasev » Sat, Jul 11, 2020, 5:25 PM UTC

CarbyAu wrote: post #206

ksdale wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife and I talk about this occasionally. There's also a sort of prisoner's dilemma that disappears when you have both credibly committed to making it work. Suddenly each disagreement is... lower stakes(?) because you know that the other person is acting in good faith to solve it as well. Committing to make it work makes it easier to make it work.

The One Trick Relationship Experts Hate! :-P My take on your comment. Accepting the premise of: "you have both credibly committed"(a nice phrase) -> removes reason to be suspicious. Removing suspicion -> removes fear. Removing fear -> removes anxiety/anger. Less suspicion, fear, anxiety and anger -> Less effort Hence: "Committing to make it work makes it easier to make it work." (another nice phrase) On the one hand…

It really is like that. The less effort you put in with every choice in a relationship, the more work you'll end up having to do to save it later on. Every choice is a potential investment into your future together. A relationship is very much about doing fewer things wrong, because your default state is to be happy together.

Re: The stable marriage problem and modern dating

#222

Post by vlasev » Sat, Jul 11, 2020, 5:28 PM UTC

pc86 wrote: post #178

toby wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with this generally. For most people I know in happy marriages it's not because they figured out exactly what they wanted and found "the one" -- as much as they love their partners there are probably a lot of people they would have been happy with.

Yes, if you're not religious it's actually pretty ridiculous to believe that there is a "perfect person" for you. To paraphrase The Office, if that were true they're probably in China or India anyway so most of the readers here are out of luck.

I know this is tongue-in-cheek, but I still think it's not the right point of view. A lot of the compatibility in a long term relationship stems from shared values, experiences, interests and culture. So I think your pool of potential "perfect people" is a lot closer to home than that.

Re: The stable marriage problem and modern dating

#223

Post by vlasev » Sat, Jul 11, 2020, 5:43 PM UTC

watwut wrote: post #94

CoolGuySteve wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm always surprised that while men apparently rate women's attractiveness on a bell curve, women seem to rate men on a Pareto distribution. Considering how much I hear about beauty standards and how they harm women, I almost never hear anything about male beauty standards. If society is to be improved by having more realistic female beauty standards, then there's apparently a lot more headroom for society to be impr…

There are two male beauty standards so to speak: male ideal for males and male ideal for women. Male ideal for males is overly bulked up dude with six pack. Male ideal for women is what you get in female journals or in boy bands. But the other think is that the body shapes for males that showed up in entertainment were more various for males then for females. There was less perfection and more variety, but that is ch…

From what I've seen and heard from my friends, women tend to select for lean-ness. Smaller guy with six pack is usually more attractive to them than a big guy with six pack. And it shows in their dating preferences too.

Re: The stable marriage problem and modern dating

#224

Post by vlasev » Sat, Jul 11, 2020, 5:44 PM UTC

CoolGuySteve wrote: post #54

YetAnotherMatt wrote: post #37

One factor that I didn't see addressed in the post which does make a significant impact is that men in general rate women more similarly than women rate men. See for example: https://www.marketingcharts.com/demographics-and-audiences/m... As such, male advantage is probably a lot lower in the real world, if (hyperbolic) every woman has a different man on nr 1 of their preference list, and every man has the same woman…

I'm always surprised that while men apparently rate women's attractiveness on a bell curve, women seem to rate men on a Pareto distribution. Considering how much I hear about beauty standards and how they harm women, I almost never hear anything about male beauty standards. If society is to be improved by having more realistic female beauty standards, then there's apparently a lot more headroom for society to be impr…

This leads to a very interesting conclusion - small gains in male attractiveness leads to a much larger perceived gain in their attractiveness. It basically means men have a LOT to gain from improving their looks!