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How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

nytimes.com

221–230 of 243 posts

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#221
post #163

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, as I said, it depends on a place. I usually go to places where people are going to play board games, pool, foosball etc. while getting few beers, not drink themselves unconsciously.

To each their own of course, but I find even mildly impaired people annoying. You don't realize how much an effect a few beers can have alcohol is deceptive that way, that's why you see people down a bottle of vodka and get behind the wheel. They honestly believe that they are fine to drive. A tip if you do decide to try this advice, don't let anyone know you aren't drinking. Not only will you often get accosted "Com…

I actually usually don't mind being a DD, only because keeping drunk drivers off the road is a net benefit to society. I usually don't have to go much out of my way either as nobody lives very far away. Of course, if I were expected to do this all the time I'd be annoyed.

For sure some people are extremely obnoxious when they drink, especially heavily, myself included (which is a reason I don't like getting drunk - I try to stay mildly buzzed if I do drink, but usually I don't at socal gatherings, unless they are major social gatherings, and I even usually only drink water at bars) but the vast majority of people are fine after a couple brews. Most people stop getting blasted at around 25 or so anyways.

Your attitude indicates to me that if your perception of someone changes when they've had a beer, just because they've had a beer, rather than their actual behavior. I don't mean to be rude when I say that - I can understand. I used to not be able to stand being around people when they were drinking. I avoided anywhere where I thought there may be alcohol... but that was because I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and I was projecting my hatred of my father onto other people. It wasn't until years later I learned to be comfortable around social drinking. I learned to realize that my father did the things he did because he is a bad person, not because alcohol somehow forced him to.

As I said in another post, I actually ended up meeting the person I ended up marrying in a bar!

(I also did start drinking myself later on.)

To be clear I don't want to put you down or anything, just sharing my perspective.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#222
post #215

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is going to sound terribly judgemental, but have you considered that the problem might lie with you? It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing in terms of meeting new people but the fact that your results are very poor, seems to suggest you are not doing something correctly, or are putting people off in some way. Just show an interest in people, without being creepy. Respect boundaries but show you ar…

No, it's true, it's my problem. But I don't know what. I have good hygiene. I did a lot of research into fashion and purchased a well fitting wardrobe. I think I might come across as odd for reasons nobody will be honest with me about.

This is going to sound a bit Machiavellian. Ask around and befriend a really crappy person that everybody avoids all the time. Someone who doesn't have a filter and is proud of "telling it like it is" but is infact an a...

Then bring this up with them. They will tell you the truth.

Also, do you suffer from low self-esteem or are otherwise needy? Needy people are human repellants and other people can smell it a mile away.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#223
post #215

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, it's true, it's my problem. But I don't know what. I have good hygiene. I did a lot of research into fashion and purchased a well fitting wardrobe. I think I might come across as odd for reasons nobody will be honest with me about.

This is going to sound a bit Machiavellian. Ask around and befriend a really crappy person that everybody avoids all the time. Someone who doesn't have a filter and is proud of "telling it like it is" but is infact an a... Then bring this up with them. They will tell you the truth. Also, do you suffer from low self-esteem or are otherwise needy? Needy people are human repellants and other people can smell it a mile a…

People also avoid people who are very overbearing. It's easy to be overbearing and not realize it.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#224

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is an extremely poor argument. Try starting a conversation on a Manhattan subway. The lack of boxes between you and your fellow commuters does not make it remotely acceptable to interact with them, nor should it. It is much harder to meet friends who are separated by 5 miles of bus ride than 5 miles of freeway. It is much harder to actually hear each other at a crowded bar than someone's home, but only the very…

Even if conversations with strangers isn't a normal thing, it does happen - I have multiple friends who've dated people they met in subway cars. The point is that crossing paths is naturally going to lead to more spontaneous interactions. All else equal, driving alone and living in silo'd suburban houses means less interactions with strangers compared to living in an apartment in NYC. I grew up in the suburbs and now…

Your last paragraph struck home for me. I had a very similar experience, except it was rural central Africa and suburban America. The only friends I have in America are from college where (guess what?) there were a lot of people my age living within walking/biking distances.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#225

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Man, could I give an advice to you? Don't expect too much from other people, and try you to create "events" and invite some people, with similar interests, to join with you. Don't worry about the "no"s you will receive, pay attention to the "yes". The change start on you. This works for me.

> Don't expect too much from other people I think you have to at least "expect" things to change for the better socially. Maybe its just a matter of finding the right people where you can set expectations of each other? There will be times when the expectations cannot be met, but respect and communication help with that. Maybe this view is too idealistic :/

Sorry, I tried to mean, don't expect people will "love" you easily or for few reasons. Don't do good things to people expecting they will do the same to you, just do.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#226

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Man, could I give an advice to you? Don't expect too much from other people, and try you to create "events" and invite some people, with similar interests, to join with you. Don't worry about the "no"s you will receive, pay attention to the "yes". The change start on you. This works for me.

I mean I still try and I give more than I receive for sure, but nothing seems to be working. For the first half of my 20s I didn't leave the house under the assumption that, "if I work hard, I can live where I want to and find a job in a cool place. No reason to make friends now." I have since replaced that assumption, but it's hard to find meaningful relationships in a place you despise.

For 4 years, at university, I lived surrounded by people I didn't found interesting, and I was pretty sure that I was the problem. Then I changed the city, and found cool people, smart and interesting, I never was so happy.

I really hope you do not stop trying, and find your place.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#227
post #133

When I was starting to use facebook in 2007, I thought it was the greatest thing ever to meet people and do things. I still think that the internet can make people who live near each other meet and socialize. I don't understand why no site like this is being created, and why facebook has become so alienating instead of becoming a site that encourage exclusivity between friends. People are really adopting the jetset a…

I've lived that (the seventies) and it wasn't too great - people with problems relating to others self-selected for it. Our present situation is something of a Nash Equilibrium, that way, unfortunately. Those best at relating can sort of get by as things are, so they do. But we aren't raising especially ethical, unselfish or socially ept humans these days, IMHO. Almost every civilization has done a better job of that, anthropologically speaking, and a lot of that has to do with how little interactive time kids get with adults. I really think it starts there.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#228
Don't underestimate the social value of consistency - being in the same place at the same time very reliably. Then those who decide you're interesting can come back and visit again. You may have to put in a lot of hours before anything happens, but at least it can happen. Even if it's just buying a coffee and drinking it at the same place and time every day.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#229
post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it's cultural. I've lived in apartments and condos designed with nice common spaces (pool, clubhouse, lawn, chairs), and those areas were empty 95% of the time. At most, a couple of people swimming, or a guy taking a phone call. We work all day, come home at 8pm, watch TV while surfing with phone, update Facebook, text a friend, go to bed. Repeat.

the ones in my apartment really aren't compfy, and if you look closely, you quickly notice how much they cheaper out on everything

We may have identified the root cause of Social Isolation: Cheap lawn furniture. :-)

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#230

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I found Meetup to be the same way for me. So I'm starting something that allows you to limit how many people can join and have the option to create plans without needing a Meetup Group. Check it out TheCoopApp.com and let me know what you think.

interesting idea. is this native or pwa?

pwa
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