Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

nik.art

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

211–220 of 229 posts

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#211

Post by marcus_holmes »

NoSalt wrote: post #195
marcus_holmes wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Journey over destination. The thing is to enjoy the process, not focus on the desired outcome. > Perhaps I need to make peace with the fact that some dreams are worth fighting for until the bitter end, never knowing if they’re achievable or not Most of the time, the dream changes as you chase it. Going on the journey changes you, and your perspective gets better and more detailed, and the original dream fades and new…

I will agree with this ... to a point. An endless journey, often fraught with physical and/or emotional pain, without any kind of satisfying destination, would be completely miserable.

The point is that you have to enjoy what you're doing. If the journey is completely miserable, fraught with physical and/or emotional pain, then just stop. Go do something else that you actually enjoy.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#212

Post by donatj »

matwood wrote: post #154
donatj wrote: post #143

I turned 40 the other day. There has been unrelenting reflection on where I am and how I got here. A lot of lament for a small handful of decisions and a life marked by avoiding uncomfortable decisions. I don't know where the last 20 years have gone. Last I remember, I was playing Wii in my friend's basement. I remember the seemingly endless opportunities nights laid out before us. DVDs and pizza and furious laughter…

> I'd have liked to have mended friendships. It's never too late to call someone and tell them you appreciate them. It may not make you best friends again, but as long as you're both still breathing, it's never too late to reach out.

The friendships I'd like mended need more than reaching out I'm afraid.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#213

Post by YZF »

YZF wrote: post #203
stego-tech wrote: post #148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. It’s the contact aspect that’s problematic, and all the widely-available training I’ve found in my life thus far has been contact-oriented: self-defense, belt/rank progression, sparring requirements, etc. Honestly if I lived closer to the city I’d probably go looking for a Tai Chi group. That’s about as close as I can get. Also considering fencing when I lose more weight/am not the world’s largest target. There’…

Karate traditionally has 3 components, Kihon, Kata, and Kumite ... I would try going to some more traditional Karate Dojo and asking if you can practice with them without sparring. Most of the class isn't sparring anyways and if the others spar then you can just practice your Kata or Kihon while they do that. While sparring is important it's possibly the least important component in many traditional schools. Whether…

Yet another option is to wear some sort of body armor during sparring. There are suits you can wear that protect you from pretty much any human form of attack. We use them for some self defense training.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#214

Post by testermelon »

mapontosevenths wrote: post #48
gmuslera wrote: post #11

We have to distinguish "our" dreams from, let's say, cultural ones. A lot of what we want, what we perceive as living a full life, having fun and so on comes from culture (and increasingly in the last decades/centuries, with mass media). Besides that, we can't achieve everything, we could not be everywhere when something interesting happens there, at the very least because a lot of those things happened in the past,…

> A lot of what we want, what we perceive as living a full life, having fun and so on comes from culture (and increasingly in the last decades/centuries, with mass media). This is very important. I didn't figure it out until late in life, and wasted a lot of effort and money that could have been better spent. When you want something ask yourself "why", then ask yourself "why" about your answer as well. Keep doing tha…

In case of our strongest desires, it usually is just trying to impress others. We as a society need to come up with ways to cultivate strong desires with a better root.

Hierarchy is a very strong driver for our motivation. But also it’s kind of hard to fight for in real life depending on the societal situations. To the point where some cultures integrate the defeatism into cosmology like the caste system.

I wish there is a systematic way to find “better things to fight for”. But I bet most of them are spiritualistic or religious in nature.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#215

Post by keithnz »

munificent wrote: post #210
keithnz wrote: post #205

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think you understood the point. If it really is your "dream" you adapt, as someone else pointed out, there's people without knees who snowboard.... there's a bunch of things you can do. But quite clearly, he hadn't even started on that journey, he didn't even know if he would have enjoyed it. it was a fantasy. Trust me, I get it, I have bad knees, but during my 40s my fantasy was to do parkour, and I did, I j…

There is a difference between coming up with some way to adapt your dreams to the limits of your body versus what your initial comment which was simply "That guy could go snowboarding, he just thinks the warning he got creates a risk that isn't worth it." I think people are entitled to decide the contours and priorities of their own dreams. If snowboarding was the author's main goal in life and "snowboarding" for him…

thing is, he didn't accept the limitations, he categorically cut off his "Dream". The whole point is, if you are going to super rigid about the criteria of your "dream" then you are likely going to be defeated by all kinds of hurdles. You need to adapt. If at the first hurdle you give up, then likely it's just a whimsical fantasy, not something you seriously wanted in your life. To me, it's not rude. It is ok to give up on things like that if it's not really seriously what you want. Which is essentially what he is saying. I'm saying not to confuse it with the dreams that the commenter above is saying, things that he seriously wants to be part of his life. Not whimsical fantasy. For that, pursue it, adapt, change, find solutions, don't be rigid. Hence the problem with the term "Dream"

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#216

Post by georgemcbay »

renegade-otter wrote: post #89
georgemcbay wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> As I always say - do what you will regret NOT doing once you are old. IMO whether or not this is good for self or society depends a lot on what you value and thus think you will regret. On its own it is neither positive or negative and has to be combined with a lot of self-reflection and an innate sense of goodness to be useful. Regret minimization is an oft-cited mantra among a lot of the current crop of centibill…

I can see how my advice could be read the wrong way in this post-shame world. No, I do NOT mean "be an asshole if you feel like it". I mean it more in the latter sense - take a vacation, go to Pompey. Say hello to the girl you like and see what happens. It's something you can do now, so later you don't replay it endlessly, wondering what would have been. Also, no billionaire right in the head will be bemoaning not ha…

> No, I do NOT mean "be an asshole if you feel like it".

FWIW, I didn't think you did and could have worded my reply more carefully.

I didn't mean to imply your suggestion of avoiding regret was likely to be the "be an asshole if you feel like it" type of regret minimization, I just wanted to point out that regret minimization can be either good or bad depending upon what the person doing it values.

> Also, no billionaire right in the head will be bemoaning not having more billions while on their deathbed.

I've met a couple of billionaires and none of them gave me the impression they were right in the head, generally speaking.

I'm inclined to believe that while not being right in the head isn't a prerequisite for becoming a billionaire, it helps.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#217

Post by c22 »

fcatalan wrote: post #144

I don't dream or care about things I definitely can't do. But there are still so many I can actually do that the opportunity cost of choosing any single one of them is infinite, and that leads to paralysis at worst and diluting your self while half-assing dozens of things at best. Maybe one of them pays the bills, and even a nice house and a decent car. But it's just that, it is not what you really wanted to do, so y…

I think it's possible to be a fast learner and not have ADHD.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#218

Post by mapontosevenths »

testermelon wrote: post #214
mapontosevenths wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> A lot of what we want, what we perceive as living a full life, having fun and so on comes from culture (and increasingly in the last decades/centuries, with mass media). This is very important. I didn't figure it out until late in life, and wasted a lot of effort and money that could have been better spent. When you want something ask yourself "why", then ask yourself "why" about your answer as well. Keep doing tha…

In case of our strongest desires, it usually is just trying to impress others. We as a society need to come up with ways to cultivate strong desires with a better root. Hierarchy is a very strong driver for our motivation. But also it’s kind of hard to fight for in real life depending on the societal situations. To the point where some cultures integrate the defeatism into cosmology like the caste system. I wish ther…

People who are not constrained by their circumstances usually quickly realize that the most difficult question in life really is just "what the hell do I do with it?" Especially those unencumbered by superstition, dogma, or other socially induced goals.

> We as a society need to come up with ways to cultivate strong desires with a better root.

Are you sure? Who causes most of the worlds problems? The guy who craves nothing more than a good meal and a six pack, or the overachieving empty-soul who can never rest satisfied?

Not to get too woo-woo, but attachment and aversion are the root of all evil. I think that maybe instead of replacing peoples strong desires with better ones we'd be better served by showing them how little achieving those desires will really do to change their lives and how empty most of those goals truly are.

Maybe, if we could teach people how to be content sitting alone in Pascal's empty room we could have a proper society where the goals aren't all about selfishness and eternal growth at the expense of human happiness.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#219

Post by markus_zhang »

cmrdporcupine wrote: post #156
markus_zhang wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When do you think the transition happens? For me (I never had very good relationship with my parents) it started from maybe Junior high school but really picked up around sophomore Senior high school when I got completely confused about life (TBF at 40+ still a bit confused). Does that "deep meaning" come to you when you look back, or you felt it when it happened? I have to say I didn't find much meaning in all that…

The "deep meaning" of taking care of a young child for me is only this: putting yourself at the service of another and being needed. One specific challenge of raising adolescents is I think precisely running into that place where they start to hit the life confusions you're speaking of, and it's in many cases like holding up a mirror to your own pains from adolescence. But this time without any agency, you're a spect…

I agree that bringing up a kid is like holding a mirror to oneself. For every day I see my shortcomings enlarged. Alas there are not many good things in my genes to begin with anyway.

Not sure about the teenagers as my kid is too young. But I do remember I was like what you described when I was a teenager -- I didn't do drugs or any illegal stuffs, but maybe being totally confused and squandered the whole 15 or so years between 20 and 35 are not really too different.

Anyway, glad that you found a lot of meaning in parenting. I'll still need to search for mine.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#220

Post by greensoup »

madaxe_again wrote: post #110
stego-tech wrote: post #50

It’s the not-knowing that is the most haunting. I know I’ll never be able to take martial arts; I have made peace with that. I know I will never be an amazing athlete; I have made peace with that as well. Same with my body composition: I will never be rail-thin, I will never “fit” into most “fun” cars even when I finish my weight loss journey, I will never be the kind of guy who can fit into a Medium of anything clot…

Hm. I think Proust put it well: Desire makes everything blossom and flourish. Possession makes everything wither and fade. I’m a lucky son of a gun. Managed to slap the eject button on the treadmill early enough in life that I found myself in my early 30s with all the time in the world, and enough cash that it certainly felt like it. I went and lived so many dreams. Did a whole bunch of things I had already, in my de…

We are in the same boat. Wouldn't say I made it or got enough cash. But we are able to choose what we want to do. Turns out living a bit more simple / free is a big part of that. Living in a small forrest, closest neighbor is 10m walking, sleeping outside when we can, doing sideprojects involving energy / waterworks / woodworking. At the moment and making the house mouseproof.

For myself I still want things, but I contain myself more? I dont want to have to travel to see a tourist attractor. Or search for connections that are far away. Just see what is here already and work with that. No need to grasp so much.

Post reply on HN