Social anxiety isn't about being liked • Hacker News Board

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#211

Post by hilux » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 5:21 AM UTC

sophacles wrote: post #35

starttoaster wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why did it put you off? Did you not understand the intention behind the words, or were the words unforgiveable despite their intention?

Not the person you asked, but I think it comes down to past experiences/family environment/etc. Theres poking fun at someone to signal "i like you anyway"... that is real. There's also people who cross the line with their words, and use "i was just joking" as an excuse to be cruel. If someone has experienced a lot of the later, it makes sense that they don't really trust the former.

Very well said.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#212

Post by beefnugs » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 5:25 AM UTC

elevatortrim wrote: post #34

I have social anxiety and it is completely unrelated to likeableness. I do not think people would not like me, I do not try to avoid people disliking me, that's not the point at all. Quite the opposite, I'm sure I'm an interesting person and I'm confident people would like me if I could take the step. Problem is, there is something that physically prevents me from saying "Hi!" to a stranger. I literally cannot get my…

Actually I have attributed it to the pervasiveness of advertising. I fucking hate all ads, and salesmen. And in an attempt to never be anywhere near this thing i hate so much, i do not interrupt strangers ever for any reason

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#213

Post by hilux » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 5:26 AM UTC

brad0 wrote: post #45

I've been reading through the book The Courage to be Disliked recently. I'm not a big fan of the writing style of the book, but some of the ideas in the book appear in this post too. One of the concepts in the book is being comfortable with being disliked. If instead you're trying to avoid being disliked, you're effectively subject to other people's whims. When you look at it from that perspective, that's a pretty st…

This thread is full of wonderful books! I had a lightning-bolt insight (one of few in my life) when listening that audiobook - the section about the shut-in.

The followup book is worth reading as well.

Different but related: Not Nice, by Aziz Gazipura.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#214

Post by lmf4lol » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 6:43 AM UTC

watwut wrote: post #194

nuancebydefault wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Recently a lady was telling me that she wasn't taken seriously. When a male colleague proposed something that she proposed years ago, people suddenly accepted it, she said. I explained her about 'implicit pecking order' in company culture and 'he is taller'. Then she said "yeah i'm short". Then I said yes but you are perfect the way you are, and I think she appreciated that.

Basically the company is sexist anf that is ok?

there are so many potential confounders in that story that might influence why the proposal was accepted. maybe his co-worker just proposed it too early and no one was ready for it?

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#215

Post by luis_cho » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 7:17 AM UTC

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

I once worked at a place where we all called each other “NERD.” One time a person outside the IT circle turned to us in the cafeteria and shouted, “What's up, NERDS?” There was complete silence in the room. I guess only a nerd can call another nerd a nerd.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#216

Post by esseph » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 8:17 AM UTC

What if my social anxiety is based on not liking other people? :)

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#217

Post by AppleBananaPie » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 8:18 AM UTC

elevatortrim wrote: post #184

tutanosh wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You have the fear of being judged; the antidote is realizing that most people barely notice you, it just feels like they do because you’re self-conscious around new people.

I believe most people barely notice me but how do I realise this?

It's amazing we don't have a good answer for this yet.

For me it happened on its own and I realized I was fine with who I was flaws and all. Yeah I get disappointed in myself or whatever but it was just getting comfortable in my own skin over the years that seemed to mostly fix stuff like this.

Also a lot of observing the anxiety and then after it subsided realizing I don't have enough time to worry about everyone else like I was assuming people worry about me.

Sorry for the rambling it's late. Anyway wish you best of luck out there :)

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#218

Post by aspenmayer » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 10:50 AM UTC

boogieknite wrote: post #76

wizzwizz4 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> And I could not think of anything. I've identified two approaches to this situation. One is to take the insult graciously, as though it's feedback: "Careful: you could put someone's eye out with that!" "Oh! Thanks for the reminder." (adjust the position of your head, as appropriate for your extremely large and dangerous nose) --- The other is to take whatever they said, and exaggerate it. This produces really good…

the jerk store called

the life support machine called

In case anyone is out of the loop, these are both lines from an eminently quotable Seinfeld episode (The Comeback, S8E13) that perfectly encapsulates the concept of l'esprit d'escalier, which I’m not sure has a direct English translation in common terms, but is a sort of loan word in my parlance, but I’ll admit I have studied French in secondary school.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Comeback_(Seinfeld)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier

> L'esprit de l'escalier or l'esprit d'escalier (lit. 'staircase wit') is a French term used in English for the predicament of thinking of the perfect reply too late.

Now that Curb Your Enthusiasm has wrapped, I could go for a rewatch of Seinfeld, as I can’t think of a better coda to Curb than a return to the roots from which Larry David’s own show sprang.

Hope springs eternal, and both Seinfeld and Curb are wry reminders that every silver lining has its cloud. I’ll take the rain.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#219

Post by dotnet00 » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 12:08 PM UTC

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

I think this varies a lot depending on the person and the relationship. When I was younger, I couldn't put up with ribbing at all. I always took it as bullying. I still think very negatively of some of the people I was "friends" with at the time due to that.

On the other hand, I have ~3 friends I made as an adult that I have been talking to very frequently (with some, daily), for a decade or so, and there, any level of ribbing is fine.

I don't think it's about us knowing each other's worst qualities and being fine with it, as a lot of our banter is on things we can't change about ourselves. I think it's just a matter of trust.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#220

Post by dzink » Sun, Oct 05, 2025, 1:36 PM UTC

BurningFrog wrote: post #12

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

It may be common in many places, but it is also a great filtering mechanism for envy. People who belittle others for fun feel a need to project some kind of social status above others. It’s toxic behavior because it can grow.

I seek out the social groups where people try to help eachother and where most of the conversation is towards pushing a common goal or helping each other’s pursuits. That way someone saying something negative is a signal, and the negative can be addressed. You can only move fast and in the right direction with clear signaling. If the signal is diluted by people with low self esteem who would rather belittle those who do than do the doing, then you need to clear the signal.