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The year I didn't survive

bessstillman.substack.com

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Re: The year I didn't survive

#211

Post by dingnuts »

verelo wrote: post #168
jcims wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife died of ovarian cancer in February of 2020, right as covid started. It felt like I was running on adrenaline and cortisol for two years. Scrambling to find anything to help, steadily applying the steel tip of my proverbial boot to the backside of the healthcare industry, doing home IVs, changing ostomy bags, making sure meds were straight, trying to gently urge her to eat something at all, deep diving into th…

I’m so sorry for your loss. Something did change, and i think it’s good you feel that. Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. There were a few ex…

>Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it.

If you're someone who struggles with chronic depression this statement is extremely demoralizing. But it's also hearsay -- you're a stranger on the internet, so you want me to believe based on a stranger's colleague's wife's alleged research, that depression cannot be effectively treated?

If you want to share that researcher's work, provide a link. Keep your rumors, suppositions, and lay-person's doomer psychology to yourself, unless you are planning to make a post with direct citations that is in effect nothing like the comment you did leave.

People's lives depend on this. You can't just post "if you have depression you'll never be able to change it" cavalierly as though you are an expert and your post has no consequences.

Someone is going to read your supposition, your rumor, believe it, and despair.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#212

Post by shadowtree »

This is ageing, for most people, unless you're one of the few lucky ones.

Death and destruction is the outcome of age, on a molecular, cellular and mental level. The foundational issue addressed by religion, because how else to deal with the unfathomable dread of "nothing gets really better, ever".

Take solace in the fact that this is true for most of your fellow creatures.

The concept of a happy ending, living happily ever after is a dangerous illusion. The best part is likely in the middle, or not at all. The end is pretty much always shit.

Zen, Stoicism, Rebirth ... so many concepts to cope with this simple, basic fact. You get born, you grow up - and then you start dying.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#213

Post by msbit415 »

dingnuts wrote: post #211
verelo wrote: post #168

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Something did change, and i think it’s good you feel that. Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. There were a few ex…

>Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. If you're someone who struggles with chronic depression this statement is extremely demoralizing. But it'…

Fully agree. And even if there was a legitimate study, it wouldn't be dispositive. I had horrible anxiety and depression for most of my adult life. I believed I would never be a happy person, and that I would always be tormented by my mental illness.

I finally found treatment that worked for me in the pandemic (Ketamine assisted psychotherapy), and it was life changing. It has been 2.5 years since I stopped treatment and I'm 10x happier. I wake up every day happy and curious about what the day will bring.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#214

Post by llsf »

peakwritting wrote: post #122

> And in the darkest hours, of which there are many, I try to remind myself that I didn’t know what happiness looked like before I had it the first time, either. I'm sorry to deflate the mood, but holy damn, that is one banger of a line. So much said so briefly.

So many profound lines. The beauty in the tragedy.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#215

Post by m90 »

dingnuts wrote: post #211
verelo wrote: post #168

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Something did change, and i think it’s good you feel that. Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. There were a few ex…

>Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. If you're someone who struggles with chronic depression this statement is extremely demoralizing. But it'…

This is a well known concept called the "Hedonic Treadmill", which exists since the 70ies, not "doomer psychology". It also does not say treating depression is not possible. Depression is a disease.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#216

Post by dottjt »

eckesicle wrote: post #153
dottjt wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Did you decide to date again? Do you think having a mother figure for your child is important for them?

Yes, but not for the reason that I want a mother figure in the house. Only recently, have I been able to date without comparing any new prospective partners to my late wife. I have yet to meet the right person. It’s also a very big ask of a new partner for them to step in and fulfil the role of mother to your child.

Fair enough. I feel it's not uncommon for people with children to remarry, but yeah I imagine it has it's own challenges.

I feel like for me it would be a) Wanting someone I have a deep connection with and b) Someone who's interested in children. I feel that keeps it simple.

But yeah, I just think about how much I wouldn't be able to provide my daughter as a male, given I know so little about hair, make up etc. I mean, I'd obviously learn it all, but it would be easier to have someone who was already on that page.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#217

Post by fragmede »

dingnuts wrote: post #211
verelo wrote: post #168

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Something did change, and i think it’s good you feel that. Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. There were a few ex…

>Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. If you're someone who struggles with chronic depression this statement is extremely demoralizing. But it'…

Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness

By

Richard M. Ryan, Edward L. Deci

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30652098-self-determinat...

Re: The year I didn't survive

#218

Post by Tade0 »

tasuki wrote: post #151
Tade0 wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I pour the milk the wrong way and get screamed at for 15 minutes. All too familiar. Occasionally I stop to think what would I do if my SO passed away suddenly. I've found that it's easier to think about my own death than this. Anyway, I hope you'll get some much needed downtime eventually.

We all do! It's called death. The great equalizer :)

I was on the fence whether to add "...and not in a coffin" to that last paragraph.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#219

Post by Balgair »

notwhereyouare wrote: post #189
giancarlostoro wrote: post #179

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> One thing I will suggest is a death doula. My in-laws already prepaid for their funeral burial and arrangement and my wife's, and his own fathers as well. So when it all happened, it as a lot less stress. It was still emotional, but everything was handled ahead of time. It might seem morbid to think about, but if you can preplan your funeral arrangements so your loved ones don't have to, it's definitely one of the…

something of note though, if it's with a specific funeral home, plan to follow up with them yearly to make sure they are still around. Dad found that out the hard way when his mom passed. He called up the funeral home and the number was disconnected. He had to scramble NYE to find somebody to take the body and then scramble and replan everything because the funeral home had been investigated by the state after a fire…

Also, make sure to do with with Wills and Trusts. Going through probate is a nightmare.

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/p/probate.asp

Also, if you can, just put your loved ones as joint users on your banking accounts. That way when you die, it just rolls over to them without much hassle. I know not everyone has that kind of trusting relationship, but if you do, this is one little way to enjoy the fruits of it.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#220

Post by lordfrito »

I can relate -- without getting into too much detail, I lost my son at age 16 to an undiagnosed heart condition... same thing that took my mom when I was 7. It was genetic, and passed through me. I can't describe the depths of the grief I had, definitely changed me forever.

I'll pass along some wisdom that was imparted to me at the time. A friend told me: "Life is for the living". I'm still here. It's my duty to keep carrying on in spite of it all. It's what my son and mom would have wanted. Honor their lives by carrying on in the life you still have.

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