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Why making friends as an adult is harder

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Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#211

Post by mejutoco »

Cumpiler69 wrote: post #208
mejutoco wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Spain and Italy are in the top 6 economies in Europe ( https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sovereign_states_in_... ) I do not think your comparison to some developing economies applies. I really recommend the economist article I mentioned. Spain has much to improve but some of those prejudices are becoming unfounded. The original claim was > laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies. And it has…

>Spain and Italy are in the top 6 economies in Europe This doesn't refute my point on poor WLB in Italy. China is the world's second economy and its WLB is pretty Terrible. GDP!=WLB >some of those prejudices are becoming unfounded It's just what the people who emigrate out are saying. It's not prejudice.

I see your point. The original claim I have issue with is

> Workers in work focused but rich countries with strong economies have better WLB than workers in laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies.

There is no official definition of "laid back country", but I assume Germany would fit your "rich countries with strong economies". I am also assuming that Spain (the south of EU) fits your "laid back countries but with struggling/stagnating economies".

The problem with that mental model is that right now Germany's economy is struggling and Spain's economy is getting stronger.

My point is this dichotomy does not match reality. The prejudice is thinking that Spain and Italy are "laid back" and that their economy is struggling, while Germany is somehow "not laid back" and their economy is strong. At the moment, this model (at least in Europe) is more based on ideas of 2010 or so that in reality.

There is also the assumption that WLB is better in Germany, which is very debatable. If that is the case, what does it mean to be a "laid back country"? Does it mean good WLB, or does it mean lazy? To me, in addition to the countries not being in the assumed situation, the mental model contradicts itself there (bad WLB+laid back vs good WLB+ not laid back).

> It's just what the people who emigrate out are saying. It's not prejudice.

I am one of those people myself. I do not mean bad by it, and I am not implying you are a bad person or anything like that. It just does not match the current reality of these countries IMO. It fits more a stereotype of 2010-2020.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#213

Post by meiraleal »

pfannkuchen wrote: post #127
meiraleal wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It would be nice if it was as easy for adults as it is for kids. It is easy. Only need to make it your full-time job, like it is for kids.

With the caveat that you need to be in a setting where the other “kids” are doing it full time too. If that were the case, I do think it would be easy. Interesting insight.

That's the travelers/digital nomads community. Moving to touristic towns was my "lifehack" to make new friends easily.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#214

Post by comprev »

brightball wrote: post #24

I really committed myself to solving this for myself a few years back. It does take commitment. A few things I’ve done that work: 1. Start a “Dad’s night” with people in my neighborhood. We picked Wednesday night from 9 - 10pm. Started out just as BYOB in my back yard. Eventually we periodically went to a local pub that was near the neighborhood. When you have kids of a certain age, it’s inconsiderate to bail on your…

Not sure I agree with you about #4... religious groups prey on the vulnerable and you initiating contact is just heavenly for them.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#215

Post by throw646577 »

chadcmulligan wrote: post #173
baron816 wrote: post #109

I have an idea for an organization for getting building close connections among men: The organization would connect men together and then those men with “chores” they could do within their neighborhood. Yeah, kind of like a free Task Rabbit. But the idea is that the men go out on a mission together to help random people in their community, whether that’s helping someone move some furniture around, or hang some pictur…

There's mens shed in Australia, sounds a bit like what you're saying https://mensshed.org

This is indeed closest to Men's Shed, which is a fairly global phenomenon:

https://menssheds.org.uk

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#216

Post by mikem170 »

Cumpiler69 wrote: post #201
mikem170 wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. I wonder if this would vary by country and culture? I wonder if there is a statistically noticeable difference in experience between places lik…

>countries like Spain and Italy which have a reputation for having a better work/life balance Where is this reputation coming from? Every single engineer from Greece and Italy and some from France I met complained about long working hours being the norm and a cultural issue there. If he left the office before 4PM the boss would ask him "are you only having a half day today?" with the expectation being workday is at l…

> I feel like this is some overly romanticized picture coming from Americans or rich northern europeans who think people in southern Europe are lazy and chilling all day instead of working their butts off

I understand what you mean, but didn't mean to come at it from that angle necessarily. Less work isn't the only way to have a different work/life balance.

I was thinking more about things to do outside of work that are more part of the culture, things like tapas and spending time at cafes and town squares, i.e. people typically socializing more outside of work.

For example, I assume someone who enjoys the third place feel of an iconic UK pub would have an easier time fending off work from home cabin fever than someone who lives in a suburb bereft of such places. I wondered if, statistically, people in some cultures had an easier time working from home due to reasons like this.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#217

Post by pavel_lishin »

phil21 wrote: post #88
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

> Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhausting and incredibly anxiety inducing to me. If I didn't already have friends I could do spontaneous things with, I'm not sure how I'd be able to have any sort of social life at all. I certainly am not alone in this, even if I'm a minority.

I feel similarly, but I don't understand how working at the office solves this problem. Are you saying that you mostly socialize by spontaneously going out after work with coworkers? Or that your you and your friends work in the same general vicinity, so you can text them near the end of the workday, and spontaneously go do something together?

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#218

Post by pavel_lishin »

eximius wrote: post #151
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

My problem is that I don't want to play sports or doing a running club or any thing like that. And it isn't that I'm not willing to put in some work, it's that I want to make friends who want to do _other things_. I'm not sure how to find good public groups for people like me with the intent of finding friends for less public interests like video games, board games, books, etc.

> I'm not sure how to find good public groups for people like me with the intent of finding friends for less public interests like video games, board games, books, etc.

I've found a local group of friends by posting that I want to start a D&D campaign - I did this both online, and by literally putting up posters. Later, I joined a discord with the same intent.

I've run one campaign with some local friends, and am in two others with other people. We see each other at least once every two weeks.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#219

Post by pavel_lishin »

wakawaka28 wrote: post #157
eximius wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My problem is that I don't want to play sports or doing a running club or any thing like that. And it isn't that I'm not willing to put in some work, it's that I want to make friends who want to do _other things_. I'm not sure how to find good public groups for people like me with the intent of finding friends for less public interests like video games, board games, books, etc.

For games stuff, you can go to game stores and competitions. There are book clubs too. The trouble with a lot of these things is that most people don't actually want to make friends who are all about either of those things. They want to make demographically matched friends that are willing to do more than one thing. If your game group is a bunch of 18 year old dorky dudes, and you're in your 30s, you are likely to fe…

> They want to make demographically matched friends that are willing to do more than one thing. If your game group is a bunch of 18 year old dorky dudes, and you're in your 30s, you are likely to feel out of place.

Sure, but why is it a given that the game group is all the same age? The groups I'm in vary from somewhere below the drinking age (never asked), to people in their 60s and above.

Now, granted, I'm 40 - I'm more likely to build a long-term friendship with the older folks than the 20 year olds - but so far, everyone seems to be getting along fairly well, and I've had these people over at my house.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#220

Post by pavel_lishin »

wkirby wrote: post #4

I made my first new friend in years simply by… asking. Struck up a conversation with a guy in line for coffee, on my way out of the cafe went up, gave him my number, said I was looking to make new friends. The world is more like the playground than you might think. Just ask if someone wants to be friends. They probably do.

One thing that can help people do this is to realize that not everyone will actually become a friend. I've done similar things - only to later realize that, nah, we don't really click. And then we drift apart, and never see each other again.

And that's fine! But the friends I have made and kept have been worth it.

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