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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#211

Post by jordanmoconnor »

astura wrote: post #203
the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

Women almost never willingly birth 4 kids in the span of 6 years without very strong outside influence. My guess here would be religion based on age (first kid at ~24). Either that or there's multiple multiple births. If their religion demands they have so many kids so quickly it's unlikely he helps out with the childrearing activities and leaves it to his wife, I'm which case his life is probably not very different…

Author here - Religion doesn't demand having lots of kids, though the Bible does say having lots of kids is a blessing.

4 kids 6 and younger is one child every two years. My youngest is 6 months. It's an aggressive pace but hardly unreasonable.

We wanted to have all of our kids together so they could be friends. And it makes the parenting window much shorter (25 years until they are all adults and moving out). Some people spread their kids out and have kids in the home for 30-35 years.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#212

Post by jordanmoconnor »

spicyusername wrote: post #199

Great post! Thanks for sharing something so personal. Being married and having kids is very rewarding, but also very challenging. Being a good husband or father is not something that is a given. This is especially true in the asymmetric situation where one parent stays at home. Good for you for finding meaningful ways to be there for your partner and sharing it. Sharing our experiences for what works helps us all be…

Author here - that's exactly my thinking. Just sharing my perspective even if it helps one person be a better spouse/parent.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#213

Post by [deleted] »

Ntrails wrote: post #182
smt88 wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her I'm sure this was a painful lesson to learn, but I hope you took the right thing away from it. No healthy relationship is going to include 400 daily poems. It makes it seem like the subject of the poems is being put on a pedestal and idealized, not perceived as a real person with flaws. It comes across as obsessive and, perhaps, insincere -- how can someone…

> No healthy relationship is going to include 400 daily poems. A bold and absolutist claim. The GPs relationship was clearly not healthy, but the idea that no healthy relationship could exist where there is a daily poem is kinda ridiculous?

[deleted]

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#214

Post by jordanmoconnor »

cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

Author here - so awesome your marriage lasted 37 years. I can't imagine that loss. Thanks for the kind words.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#215

Post by jordanmoconnor »

tlarkworthy wrote: post #91

My wife and I write an annual letter to one another. They are truly magical and they are great to read back, often bringing us to tears and capturing the struggles of raising children, moving continents etc. They unleash memories when read. We have ten years of them and they are truly amazing and I recommend it as a slightly less involved shared (two way) ritual .

Author here - We do that too! Typically we'll write a letter for the other person for their birthday. It's a much more reflective letter (whereas the daily note is more "what's going on right now"). Great tip.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#216

Post by lamida »

I was writing (almost) daily email when I and my wife were in long distance relationship during the time my wife studied for her master degree. It happened just in the early days of our marriage. It was the day before WhatsApp has video call feature and long time before zoom. The small daily email quite helping us to form the bonding. Couple o lf years ago I dumped the email into this blog http://www.dearwifey.com/.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#217

Post by throwaway98797 »

bregma wrote: post #183
mihaaly wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When there is no time for important things that does not sound like a great life (to me of course). Is that company that important? Did we loose the ability to get enough to live and we live to get enough instead?

If you have ever had children, you know they become 100% of your life and 110% of your time for the first year or so, and with multiple children that could stretch to several years. I guess if that interferes with your immediate hedonistic needs you would just get rid of the children? Maybe just dump them on someone else whose time is less self-importantly valuable? It's the same with running a startup. You make the…

if it works you reap the benefits but the sad path is the same in both

miserable

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#218

Post by throwaway98797 »

dkdbejwi383 wrote: post #93
lbrito wrote: post #38

I'm in a very similar demographic as the author so I empathise with how hard things can be, but this: >there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Oh boy. That sounds awful . Rather than trying to work around that busyness, personally I would go out of my way to just n…

It’s an old, oft repeated saying, but nobody ever laments not working enough when they’re on their death bed, but frequently people do regret not spending enough time with loved ones.

the person who is dying isn’t the same person who is working

who do you optimize for the old man or the current man

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#219

Post by cryptozeus »

Great read, I am stealing this concept and implementing it in someway. People are lost here in details, obviously the central point of this article is how to stay on top of communication with your spouse with busy lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be notes, may be you can go for daily walks etc. Point is to not let relationship become stale and boring that after 20-40 years of marriage you may not know much of how life went. May be some people do not want to be very involved with wife and just marry to have kids. Either way points in this articles are great, thanks for sharing.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#220

Post by nafizh »

the_gipsy wrote: post #171
insightcheck wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The author is the founder, owner, and operator of a company, and from a quick view, is quite successful at his work. Plus, he is in a relationship where his partner is supportive of his dreams and long hours. And he has kids at the same time. That sounds like a great life to me. Not a lot of people get the opportunity, and not very many people can pull it off. I'm sure life will be more relaxed when the kids leave th…

> Plus, he is in a relationship where his partner is supportive of his dreams and long hours. The fact that he needs a servant-wife to be able to support his career is a red flag. Having so many children and spending so much time working also means he can't have meaningful relationships with all of them.

Raising kids at home is now being servant? Should just drop the kids to daycare then where they grow up the most important years of their lives without any meaningful companionship of any of the parents.
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