At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on • Hacker News Board

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#211

Post by jcims » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 5:53 PM UTC

treyfitty wrote: post #159

jcims wrote: post #149

My wife passed this year from cancer. Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end, and in the last few weeks her beautiful mind was influenced by the disease. I’m sure someone on HN is going through this at least adjacently and my recommendation is to not wait to the end to have important conversations. For those that aren’t going through this now, maybe for a little while live life like you are...it mig…

Thanks for sharing your personal story. I think it’s important for everyone to realize that we are all human. Nothing more, nothing less. The world has become super competitive to the point that we all seem to forget this simple fact.

For me it's a bit cathartic, if it helps anyone see through the blind spots I had it's worth it.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#212

Post by jcims » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:00 PM UTC

slivanes wrote: post #173

12xo wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is where faith steps in... There is wisdom in the ages that will help you and your daughter. Try and find a pathway of peace and guidance from the universe's deep pool of human experiences.

Christian faith would have you believe it is God's will that you perish at His time of choosing. He also loves you.

My girls were raised Christian and I and my wife practiced and professed that faith our entire relationship. I haven't given up on the faith but I am so profoundly disappointed in the modern church that I need to go back to the root of it all and see how much it still resonates.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#213

Post by jcims » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:00 PM UTC

metiscus wrote: post #178

jcims wrote: post #149

My wife passed this year from cancer. Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end, and in the last few weeks her beautiful mind was influenced by the disease. I’m sure someone on HN is going through this at least adjacently and my recommendation is to not wait to the end to have important conversations. For those that aren’t going through this now, maybe for a little while live life like you are...it mig…

I have found that in my own times of trouble and profound sadness that two books have helped me cope. The first one, which is admittedly hard to read when you are very close to a loss (better to inculcate yourself with it ahead of time if possible) is the Enchiridion of Epictetus [1]. The second is Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. What works for me will probably not work for you but I thought sharing my experiences with y…

Thank you, I will definitely take a look at these.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#214

Post by fipar » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:00 PM UTC

biolurker1 wrote: post #126

fipar wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Which one is that forum you're talking about? If you meant this one, it should be obvious that it's not exclusively about coders. Even if it was, your argument is quite weak if you don't qualify the non zero part a bit more. Zero chance of living how much longer than you would have otherwise? under what conditions? At what cost?

That's precisely why strict logic is required. You are putting more restrains into a very simple condition. Dead or infinitely small non zero chance of not dead. As said previously, anything else is noise

Respectfully, I disagree. I think the condition may be simple if looked at it from, say, a programming logic point of view. But given the costs involved, I think the other constraints are not noise: they're the signal needed to make the right decision.

Specifically, since you brought this up in the context of someone who will die of cancer, the tradeoff calculation must take into account that even if cryonics work (which is already a giant leap of faith right now), this person would also need science to advance enough so that a cancer that is terminal now will be somehow reversible in the future. Additionally, all the people he cares about would have to have survived too for this to matter. Again, this is all context, this is within the context of a dying person that says "Almost immediately I realised I just couldn’t do it. Life for me is about living, not just clocking up the years.". I don't think all of these extra constraints would be seen as noise by someone like him.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#215

Post by jcims » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:01 PM UTC

amoorthy wrote: post #182

jcims wrote: post #149

My wife passed this year from cancer. Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end, and in the last few weeks her beautiful mind was influenced by the disease. I’m sure someone on HN is going through this at least adjacently and my recommendation is to not wait to the end to have important conversations. For those that aren’t going through this now, maybe for a little while live life like you are...it mig…

I'm sorry to hear of your family's struggles. Your advice is spot on and something I discovered during a 10-day Vipassana retreat. I wish I could say something to help your daughter or you. Maybe that beauty and happiness are possible in the smallest of everyday things even as we deal with horrific pain. It gets better somehow.

Thank you.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#216

Post by danielovichdk » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:02 PM UTC

jcims wrote: post #149

My wife passed this year from cancer. Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end, and in the last few weeks her beautiful mind was influenced by the disease. I’m sure someone on HN is going through this at least adjacently and my recommendation is to not wait to the end to have important conversations. For those that aren’t going through this now, maybe for a little while live life like you are...it mig…

Shit! I cried reading this. Take care and all the best of everything from me to you.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#217

Post by jcims » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:02 PM UTC

12xo wrote: post #164

jcims wrote: post #149

My wife passed this year from cancer. Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end, and in the last few weeks her beautiful mind was influenced by the disease. I’m sure someone on HN is going through this at least adjacently and my recommendation is to not wait to the end to have important conversations. For those that aren’t going through this now, maybe for a little while live life like you are...it mig…

This is where faith steps in... There is wisdom in the ages that will help you and your daughter. Try and find a pathway of peace and guidance from the universe's deep pool of human experiences.

I agree, I just need to recalibrate my perspective. There are certainly those that have gone through this and worse, and faith has helped them and their loved ones.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#218

Post by jcims » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:12 PM UTC

war1025 wrote: post #168

jcims wrote: post #149

My wife passed this year from cancer. Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end, and in the last few weeks her beautiful mind was influenced by the disease. I’m sure someone on HN is going through this at least adjacently and my recommendation is to not wait to the end to have important conversations. For those that aren’t going through this now, maybe for a little while live life like you are...it mig…

> Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end This rings very true for me. My dad died of brain cancer going on five years ago now. He was diagnosed in 2014. They were clear the prognosis was not good. One or two years at best. They removed the tumor as soon as they found it, and he returned basically to normal. There was a weird settling in of what it all meant and treatments that were meant to stall th…

Thanks for sharing this. When you're in the midst of everything it's important to temper the hope of healing with the reality that if that doesn't come you're in a very special, very limited window of time.

>2. People need permission to die. Otherwise they will hang on way longer than they otherwise would.

I wrote about this elsewhere, but my wife on a couple of occasions said 'I think it's time for you to let me go.' I didn't really understand what she meant by that. She was incredibly stoic and was happy to leave the words for me to interpret. I was still so wrapped up in trying to find a way out that I couldn't conceive of just letting go...it felt truly like those scenes in a movie where someone is hanging off of a building and your grip is the only thing keeping them alive. After she passed, her words gained new meaning to me and this was part of it. Permission to go, and permission to talk about the life that comes afterwards. Not figuring this out in time to alleviate some of her pain and let her share her dreams about the future without her is one of my biggest regrets.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#219

Post by stjohnswarts » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:15 PM UTC

jcims wrote: post #212

slivanes wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Christian faith would have you believe it is God's will that you perish at His time of choosing. He also loves you.

My girls were raised Christian and I and my wife practiced and professed that faith our entire relationship. I haven't given up on the faith but I am so profoundly disappointed in the modern church that I need to go back to the root of it all and see how much it still resonates.

Have you been to a Unitarian Church? They tend to do away with a lot of the politics and dogma and stick to the core and have better camaraderie than any other church I've been to. I'm an agnostic, but I'm always up for hanging out with cool, chill people. I mean if you're actually a believer and such it might be cool. Bahai meetings were the only other one I've been to that rivaled. They're the polar opposite of the BS laden evangelical movement trying to bring in politics and money to everything.

Re: At 31, I have just weeks to live. Here's what I want to pass on

#220

Post by yodsanklai » Mon, Sep 07, 2020, 6:15 PM UTC

war1025 wrote: post #168

jcims wrote: post #149

My wife passed this year from cancer. Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end, and in the last few weeks her beautiful mind was influenced by the disease. I’m sure someone on HN is going through this at least adjacently and my recommendation is to not wait to the end to have important conversations. For those that aren’t going through this now, maybe for a little while live life like you are...it mig…

> Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end This rings very true for me. My dad died of brain cancer going on five years ago now. He was diagnosed in 2014. They were clear the prognosis was not good. One or two years at best. They removed the tumor as soon as they found it, and he returned basically to normal. There was a weird settling in of what it all meant and treatments that were meant to stall th…

> It took a little over a month for "Dad's acting funny again" to turn into "Dad died last night".

I lost my mother from lung cancer so I can relate.

My dad on the other hand died without notice. I got a message on my phone one day when I was at work. It was a cop from my father's town. They didn't tell me why they were calling, but I knew something happened to my father because he was living on the edge. I took the day off and went home to call them back. He died a few days before at his home.

He was too young to die, but I think it was the best possible death, for him and for us. We didn't have a chance to "say good bye", but it doesn't really matter in the end.

The worst part of dying is anticipating death. I wish I could die accidentally.