The stable marriage problem and modern dating

I think what makes relationships work/fail is the relationship people have with themselves above all else.

At times I was lonely and miserable and wanted somebody in my life badly and in those times nobody ever was even remotely interested in me. The moment I did well and / or was also in a relationship it seemed like potential partners were all over me (it seemed almost unfair). Point I'm trying to make is people usually "date" for the wrong reasons. The moment they're in to find somebody to "complete themselves" they create a an unconscious demand on their partner which is the pre-programmed disaster that it will turn out to be. The moment I notice my date is "actively looking" I run.

To me the whole concepts of "dating" is very sterile. It's not in my culture maybe to have a formal process where you sniff each other with prepared questions and then after 3 years you check "where this is going". What has worked well for me is not ever to look for partners actively and the trick was always "the less I look the more opportunities I find" (strange that).

I think why most relationships don't last is because we literally suffocate everything that is good out of it. Usually it happens slowly so we don't notice (or tell ourselves things will get better - they usually don't). For most people it's just a way to build many small co-dependencies into a neurotic prison which they can be unhappy in but tell themselves "at least I feel secure". Some even think it's their mission to fix their partner (and all they do is set themselves up for pain).

A timeless classic on the psychology of relationships: Scott Peck "The Road less Traveled" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Scott_Peck#The_Road_Less_Tr... (one of my top 10 fav books I ever read (and I read a lot).

edit: my experience working for a dating startup called Friendscout24 (a total horror show) https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18713837

> Plenty of women write from their perspective, which could be taken as misandry.

Women writing from their perspective != misandry any more than men writing from their perspective is misogyny. Those words have specific definitions that you are abusing to make a false equivalency.

And what's wrong with calling out historical misogyny when it is presented as wisdom? That's not to say Schopenhauer has nothing useful to offer, but his misogyny isn't one of those things. It's no different from calling out racism in a similar historical context - like acknowledging that Winston Churchill was a great statesman and also simultaneously a very racist person.

Schopenhauer's misogynistic perspective has long been the default of much of society, so it doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves.

> seeing from their perspective (e.g. the current protests, and Black Lives Matter).

18th century misogyny doesn't deserve the same hearing out as BLM protests against contemporary police brutality. That logic would also excuse the presentation of 18th century racism as a valid perspective today.

I am not agreeing with you. Every poly community I've brushed with is filled will casual sex, especially the people who are given lots of attention.

Ahh I see. So, your original comment "definitely see this in my scene. the most attractive guys have many partners while the lesser ones don't have that many. more attractive guys are fought over and rifts are created because of it. It's really funny because a lot of them consider themselves anarchists politically...yet the few attractive men seem to dominate." was specifically referring to poly communities. I thought you meant this was your experience in general, regardless of monogamy or polyamory.

We were talking past each other because my comments were basically saying "It isn't like this in general" but you never intended to communicate that claim. You were only talking about specific situations.

The reality is that men profiles on online dating apps are terrible! I have tried to check for fun both male and female profiles and there are so many women with attractive pictures while men have really poorly curated profiles.... Are women naturally more attractive than men or culturally, women are "forced" to take care of themselves and show how attractive they are while this pressure does not exist for men (men have other type of pressures, like a good salary)? I do believe is the second one. As woman, I'd love to see handsome men, online and not only.