My guess is that America in 2018 is more selfish and cliquey than any other time in memorable history. That simple really
Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
211–220 of 344 posts
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#212I think a huge factor is the growing theme of social interaction being unacceptable. Back in the day you could walk up to and make friends with almost anyone, it wasn't weird to interact with strangers, thus making new acquaintances. Modern society stigmatizes that kind of interaction, don't talk to people you don't know if you don't want to be ostracized. You could want to befriend someone in a crowd, but come up wi…
I don't think it is any harder to meet random people today than it used to be. But then again I'm under 30 and so don't know what it "really" used to be like. But I deleted my Facebook (really only social media I had) and I haven't had a hard time meeting new people. Really I'm doing a better job. I think this is more because I'm not using Facebook as a crutch. I used to just say "Oh I'll add you on Facebook" (which…
>This even includes plutonic relationships with the opposite sex.
What happens on Pluto stays on Pluto, right?
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#213I think a huge factor is the growing theme of social interaction being unacceptable. Back in the day you could walk up to and make friends with almost anyone, it wasn't weird to interact with strangers, thus making new acquaintances. Modern society stigmatizes that kind of interaction, don't talk to people you don't know if you don't want to be ostracized. You could want to befriend someone in a crowd, but come up wi…
I think you have to be a regular somewhere (gym, your kid's soccer games, dogpark, neighborhood bar, etc), people generally won't warm up to you until they've seen you a few times. Of course we've made it really easy to stay indoors.
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#214I'm 21 years old, I grew up online. I started on myspace and chat via gmail, eventually moving to Facebook. Fast forward through an early highschool graduation, and taking most college classes online: I have no idea how on Earth I am to socialize with people in the real world. I quit and deactivated Facebook in January, and since I have felt so truly alone. Each day I ride an uber to my dev job, work mostly by myself…
Honestly, try meetup.com, find something you enjoy doing and go do it with other people. Worst case you do something you enjoy doing. Best case you meet people who also enjoy that thing.
Have you tried that meetup thing? How did it went?
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#215I think a huge factor is the growing theme of social interaction being unacceptable. Back in the day you could walk up to and make friends with almost anyone, it wasn't weird to interact with strangers, thus making new acquaintances. Modern society stigmatizes that kind of interaction, don't talk to people you don't know if you don't want to be ostracized. You could want to befriend someone in a crowd, but come up wi…
I disagree. I'm 40, and had life pre-internet. Cell phones were still expensive when I was in school. A portion of my friends were too poor to regularly have home telephone service. I'm bisexual, and paid for that bit with a middle school not talking to me most of a school year. I lost friends because I dated folks with a different skin color. I didn't really tell folks I was atheist back then, but it didn't really m…
Familiar! Some of it, at least.
Asking the "wrong" people out in middle school ('90s) sure was a fast track to being an outcast. Paradoxically, the rising positive presence of LGBTQ+ people in media in the '90s made things worse. People were on the lookout for us!
I don't know if it was worse than the '80s where our presence in the media was almost universally negative.
Later, I found Twitter, and met a friend (also bi) who had lived mere miles away all my life. We probably never would have met without the internet. Having backup when we hang out has actually made me more social because I'm not worried about being alone up against a crowd who decides it's time to make an example of someone.
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#216There was a related discussion here a few months ago about the difficulty of making friends after a certain age (40?).
Here's my take on it, from someone who immigrated to the US late in his 20s. My point of view is very biased towards the region I live in, which is much more educated and wealthy than most of the US.
Let's start with how kids grow up here since I think it affects their social life later in life. American parents are protective. Most kids, even in middle school, have very structured schedule where time with friends is usually not a priority like academics. Playdates are usually organized by the parents and they are usually short and not spontaneous. Kids who don't live in walkable urban areas with good public transit usually depend on their parents to drive them around to friends. I heard that in rural and poor areas it's even worse. People never go to each other house, instead they only meet at the Church.
Now let's talk about American adults. Americans seem to love communities. They are pretty involved in their communities which is great. However, they usually stay away from forming deep relationships and exposing themselves. Sometimes it feels like they don't want to be a burden on somebody else. Not sure exactly how to explain it. My impression is that many Americans have friends but usually not very close friends (at least based on my definition of close). Maybe the size of the country and the fact the people move often is also a factor.
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#217Earlier quoted context omitted.
I think almost every lonely person considers this, but when you are lonely you might also be depressed and that makes it hard t go meet other ppl because of one or some combo of the following: 1. you feel like nobody would want to associate with your miserable ass 2. you are low on energy from feeling sad and 3. you actually are not interested in anything. Thats what I went through and probably would be going through…
Thing about meetup.com which messes up touches on your point. Even though you may feel down... you get those small 'silces' of energy... even if they are brief.... You need to hit that 30 minute window of feeling pumped to go out and socialize. Feeling pumped? Yeah ! lets do this! goes on meetup.com .... F * the next cool thing is Sept 2. 89 hours away..... 30 minute window of feeling pumped to go socialize fades awa…
You're overthinking this.
Pick one, put it in your diary, and go to it. No excuses.
In those 30 minutes of action, commit yourself to that future action. Make it easy, in those 30 minutes plan your outfit, how to get there, look up the venue on a map, plan how much cash you'll take or what cards or whatever. Whatever excuses you come up with usually, plan against them. The group will usually say how to find them in the bar or cafe or wherever, write it down.
Worst that can happen is you hate it and somehow make a fool of yourself. In front of people you will never ever see again, so who cares.
Reality is you'll be welcomed, and at least one person, if not many, will go out of their way to make sure you are included.
And even if your worst fear happened and it's a mini drama, you'll still get a win from going. You still get to feel great about trying.
And if it doesn't click or you don't like anyone, don't go to that one again. You can just never turn up again, without any consequence. You aren't obliged.
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#218Those who have had to move locations probably run into this the most. Usually friends formed in school and college are from a time you were young and naive and tend to have the deepest shared bonds.
And if you have to leave this behind getting the same level of social connection can be tough. Also some people are extremely friendly by nature, they love being around people and can engage easily, others are more reserved. Work colleagues are usually in a weird space, not strangers but not really friends.
Maybe human beings work best in known and close knit communities not urban alienated environments, clearly a lot of our happiness derives from social contexts, and we need that level of connectivity, interaction and support. Sometimes you want to be alone, but the rest of the time you want to be with people who love and care for you. Without it life becomes a bit empty and alienation becomes 'normal'.
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#219Has anyone else noticed that clicking on this link causes them to be logged in as "Pam" on the site? That doesn't seem great...
Might be a dark pattern. To nudge you to create an account to make the world right again.
That would be the weirdest dark pattern ever, although I could see it going down in a design meeting:
You know how people speak up more if you say something wrong, than if you ask for the right answer? Well, what if people were more likely to make accounts, if we made them think they already had an account called "Pam"?
...brilliant!
Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely
#220Earlier quoted context omitted.
Honestly, try meetup.com, find something you enjoy doing and go do it with other people. Worst case you do something you enjoy doing. Best case you meet people who also enjoy that thing.
Have you tried that meetup thing? How did it went?
I use it all the time, but more because I manage a few groups, people who come out and I talk with are always happy to find there are people who share their interests, even if they never come back.