HN Help: I'm lost • Hacker News Board

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#201

Post by tlb » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:29 PM UTC

caffeine wrote: post #139

You know me because of code I've written, books I've published, and my contributions here .... I'm in my early 40s, I've worked for start-ups and big companies. I made a little bit of money in the early 2000s which helped pay off a bit of mortgage. I have a family that depends on me financially. I'm in my early 20s, and I'm just starting graduate school. I think you're exactly who I'm aiming to be in 20 years. So it…

That's probably true for average joes. But I'm guessing the OP is far more motivated by making an impact in the world than average. Personally, I get 70% of my happiness from making a difference in the world and building great stuff, and 30% from relationships. (Despite that, my lifetime average length of relationship is 4.3 years. It could be worse.) I found that my life improved when I accepted that ratio and organized my life around maximizing the 70% while not ruining the 30%.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#202

Post by anguslong » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:33 PM UTC

neovive wrote: post #167

ashish01 wrote: post #40

My advice is why don't you start with some simple things first like making small positive changes in your routine. Getting up early, eating healthy, exercising, meditating for 10 min a day. In my experience these small changes infuse me with energy to deal with problems in my life. Once you feel more hopeful and confident about yourself you can decide what is best for you. Weather getting a new job near your place, g…

Do you have any advice on the best way to get started with the simple 10 min meditation?

I've had success with the approach of Jon Kabat-Zinn -- see his talk @ Google: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc

... his book, Full Catastrophe Living is a good read as well.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#203

Post by enjo » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:36 PM UTC

sonofjanoh wrote: post #115

Tichy wrote: post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Even as a family you can be frugal. You need more than if you were alone, but still. If you can't buy your kids lots of fancy things, maybe you can teach them to be entrepreneurial early on. If you can't buy them expensive education, maybe they can try to win grants. Besides, if you are struggling now, you probably can not buy them good education anyway.

You could spend more time with your kids which make up tenfolds for the missing fancy stuff. Kids love attention and entourage. YOU should be their idol and YOU can compensate the "poor" education. I disagree that money buys good education. Between terms the parents are responsible for the education and development of the offspring and spending more time with your kids gives you better chances to pass on your values.…

I'll second the education part.

I was a military brat. I went to 10 public schools in 18 years, mostly in poorer areas. By all accounts my education should have been terrible. It wasn't.

I got a lot out of my education, not because I went to the 'best' schools.. but rather because my parents instilled in me a love of learning. They laid down an expectation (not a demand) that I learn and continue learning throughout my life.

I didn't go to an Ivy league school (we simply didn't have the means). I went to a division II school in central Arkansas. None of that matters. I still learn something new everyday. I've parlayed my love of learning into an entrepreneurs life. I'm on my third startup. One has been wildly successful, one not so much. The third is going well so far:)

More importantly I have a great wife and live in a place I absolutely love (Denver). We have a nice house, but not too nice. We have great friends. Really, at 30 years old I just couldn't ask for more.

All of this not because I had fancy toys, private school, or even much stability growing up (moving around every year or two impedes that). Nope, I've been blessed by having parents who where adventurous and chose not to live life in a conventional way. They freed me to walk my unconventional path to happiness. That's a far greater gift than money can buy.

To the OP: Don't be afraid to step out and find your happiness. Your kids need a role model just as I had.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#204

Post by coolnewtoy » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:36 PM UTC

run4yourlives wrote: post #187

nfnaaron wrote: post #150

When what you're doing isn't working, try anything else. Simplistic, but true nonetheless. The sum of your life isn't working for you, so you should definitely act and change something. Don't think "I should be happy because I have these things or because others like me look happy." You're not happy. Change something. You have zero responsibilities beyond the well being of yourself and your family. Change the job, de…

My son is eleven and I love him exactly the way he is today, but I ache from the fact that I will never again be able to talk to the four year old he once was As a parent of a 2 1/2 year old and a four month old, I'm saddened that there will be a point in my life - deity willing - that I'll be saying the exact same thing you are.

maybe, maybe not. I understand the viewpoint, but it's not how I'm experiencing parenthood. Looking at pictures of my kids when they were babies and toddlers and preschoolers - they look so unformed. It's like watching a sculpture come to life out of a block of marble, watching them slowly become more themselves.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#205

Post by Eliezer » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:42 PM UTC

noonespecial wrote: post #6

I'm posting this as a separate comment, not because I think that it particularly applies to your situation, but because it is good advice in the general case. If you should happen to feel, "I am utterly unhappy with my life" at any time, it might not hurt to at least darken the door of a trusted mental health professional just to be sure that there is not a clinical element to your feelings of malaise as well as circ…

Mental health professionals can hurt you as well as help.

I think if you're not actually going crazy, I'd advise against this. Talk to any kindly outsider. If you do actual controlled studies - scientific evidence, can you dig it? - they show that if you're not organically crazy, talking to professors works just as well as talking to mental health professionals. And professors won't take all your money or get you committed or subject you to the psychoanalytic flavor-of-the-week etcetera.

Yes, there are good mental health professionals, but just going out at random is really risky.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#206

Post by neilk » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:49 PM UTC

caffeine wrote: post #139

You know me because of code I've written, books I've published, and my contributions here .... I'm in my early 40s, I've worked for start-ups and big companies. I made a little bit of money in the early 2000s which helped pay off a bit of mortgage. I have a family that depends on me financially. I'm in my early 20s, and I'm just starting graduate school. I think you're exactly who I'm aiming to be in 20 years. So it…

I'm glad you're learning this earlier rather than later. This internet thing might be useful after all.

I know people that had radically new ideas, made them happen with a hardworking and talented team, are beloved by people that use their creations, have appeared on covers of magazines, can be said to have changed the world just a bit, and eventually became rich.

They're still not happy. Their success hasn't even made them slightly happier. At the end of the day, if your wife doesn't respect you, or you aren't there as a parent, or you can't regulate your own emotional fuckups, it doesn't matter how many zeroes are in your bank account -- you're not much better off than someone doing a more traditional middle class lifestyle.

The best you can say is that they have a bit more free time and have visited a few more places, and know a few more interesting people. But you can do that for practically no money today anyway, just drop out and backpack for six months.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#207

Post by eslifka » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:50 PM UTC

azanar wrote: post #146

axod wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's obviously a balance. Kids need ideally both.

Do you think they need as much of the "things" as parents seem to feel obligated to provide for them now? There is no need for this false dichotomy of "things" or "complete lack of things". As I've commented on here before, I and a lot of the people I know seem to have gone through childhoods where the parents believed this trade-off was really binary. I got it less than many people, but I still would have liked to s…

Your comments ring very true to me. My father decided he'd rather stay in a relatively low chemical engineering job rather than push up the corporate latter into a black tie management position. As a result my friends all had much nicer toys and bigger houses, but they rarely saw their parents. On top of that my friend's parents never seemed happy, ever. Whereas my father has always been one of the happiest people I know. Throughout my highschool years he'd tell me stories almost nightly of something interesting he'd done that day. Now that I'm older and nearing the end of my own degree I have no doubt I'll keep the same perspective: stick with doing what you love no matter how much you make off of it.

- I should clarify that we didn't live anywhere near poverty. My father wasn't putting us in a bad situation to keep the job he loved. We were just significantly lower than the people around us, and as a result he didn't have many friends among his peers (by that I mean parents in our suburb) because they looked down on him. So that situation may not have any real bearing on this discussion since he didn't seem to be facing a hard decision: give up the respect of a bunch of career pushing suits or hate his life and his job, hmmm.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#208

Post by Eliezer » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:51 PM UTC

cynicalkane wrote: post #94

plinkplonk wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"You ask "Where should I turn?". My answer: if what I have said rings true at all in your heart, turn to Jesus" May I suggest the Flying Sphagetti Monster instead? Just as valid as some "man in the sky" mythology, from a "turn to X" point of view. Please, take your religious preaching elsewhere and don't prey on someone's confusion/depression, at least on this forum. Thanks in advance.

I shudder at the thought of HN turning into Slashdot, where know-it-alls feel the need to hijack any genuine religious feeling or discussion by injecting the latest anti-religion meme picked up from the intertubes. As of this writing the grandparent is voted down, so maybe the change is already happening. But I felt the grandparent was at least a good faith attempt toward something readable and interesting, whereas t…

Are you under the impression that religion is harmless fun? Read a history book. Even in modern developed countries, people who turn to religion out of desperation often end up seriously hurt. A huge mainstream cult is still a cult.

There are better arguments that could be posted against why you should turn to Jesus, but I'm not ashamed to downvote the original comment. It's not good advice.

I wonder... if I'd posted a comment saying "Get involved with transhumanism" or "sign up for cryonics", and someone had posted a sarcastic reply saying "Where's the science?" (not that this isn't a perfectly legitimate question with I-should-hope legitimate answers), would you be working so hard to defend me?

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#209

Post by grosales » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:51 PM UTC

Some people find joy in different things. It seems that at this juncture of your life you are trying to analyze what and why you are doing what you are doing and where do you want to end up. I feel that I am to young and inexperienced to be giving this kind of advice, add to that the fact that I don't know you and I don't like to give generalized advice. If I was in your case, I'd like to think that I would do what my heart is telling me to do. If I do that, I will know that I will be happy if I follow that path and because of that, it will reflect towards my family. If I am a creator and I don't create, I will be a sad panda. Good luck for you with whatever choice you make.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#210

Post by timwiseman » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 8:58 PM UTC

plinkplonk wrote: post #55

sheats wrote: post #51

I don't post much on Hacker News but on this one I must. Happiness is not found in money, job, or having a successful startup. Men, on their deathbeds never wish they had worked more or made more money, but they do wish they had spent more time on what is really important: family and their children. You say you barely see your children. I suggest choosing a job or position that allows you to see your wife and childre…

"You ask "Where should I turn?". My answer: if what I have said rings true at all in your heart, turn to Jesus" May I suggest the Flying Sphagetti Monster instead? Just as valid as some "man in the sky" mythology, from a "turn to X" point of view. Please, take your religious preaching elsewhere and don't prey on someone's confusion/depression, at least on this forum. Thanks in advance.

Generally I would say that HN is not the place for religious discussions, but in this particular case, it seems quite appropos and the comment was very respectfully phrased.

If the op is dissatisfied with his life, then perhaps changing his career or living circumstances as most other comments talk aobut is the way to fix that. But perhaps looking at religion is. Christianity is only one possible religion to explore, but I think it has helped me be a better person personally and sheats is just sharing his experience with it. Sheats phrased it quite respectfully and as one option to consider, not trying to push it as something the OP must do.