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American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

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Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#201

Post by tstrimple »

munksbeer wrote: post #129
bombcar wrote: post #67

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can tell you that as you have more children the time you can spend and need to spend drops - because there’s more of them, but they also play with each other. Three are running around yelling and I can’t even join in, as they want me to be “the base” apparently.

I can't believe I'm asking this, because it isn't even something I would remotely consider (and it is too late anyway), but, is three actually easier than two children in some ways? I have two children and I find parenting to be utterly draining. They are 4 and 6. They are *constantly* fighting. They play together a bit, but when they do, after 5-10 minutes it leads to real fight where we need to intervene. And they…

Two of my three kids are always getting along! Actually the fighting among my two girls has fallen off pretty dramatically as they have both matured. They are 12 and 14 now. They have learned to compromise on activities instead of getting into fights over it. They still snipe at each other occasionally, but it seems to be taken more in stride than it used to.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#202

Post by [deleted] »

lotsofpulp wrote: post #138
gib444 wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> but they seem to have zero appreciation for the crushing burden of financially supporting a family for decades. It’s hard, stressful, and wears you down. Absolutely. They will though, when two parents working fully becomes a requirement instead of an option, as we are seeing in many HCOL areas. Or even, as many wish, to be the primary earner and the man stay at home. In fact, the burden on the sole earner as you po…

>(I'm gay fwiw and not a misogynist. Ok. >I do root for women's rights but not blindly. What? How does “I’m straight fwiw and not a homophobe. I do root for queer’s rights but not blindly” come across? >Demanding massive societal change comes with responsibilities) Who isn’t being responsible? Is it all girls outperforming boys in school?

[deleted]

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#203

Post by mothballed »

something765478 wrote: post #195
nradov wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Those household structures aren't popular , they're just common when women have no other options. I have nothing against those structures, they work great for some families. But the reality is that they often force the wife into becoming an unpaid caregiver for her in-laws (who constantly criticize how she runs the household).

Women are just as responsible for enforcing traditions as men are. You could just as easily argue that men are the ones with less choice; after all, it is much more socially acceptable for a woman to work than for a man to be a stay at home dad.

It's also false that a stay at home has essentially resigned themselves to ruin in the event of divorce/disagreement. Someone who has been a stay at home long enough to be unemployable, in the vast majority of states, will be rewarded with alimony and if applicable child support to the point they will easily be taking about 50% of the spouse's salary for long enough to retrain.

Of course the spouse has the risk the other ex-spouse will sabotage themselves and end their incomes to avoid paying the order, at which point they may be thrown into prison if they are found. But are they worse off than the employee who can be fired at a moment's notice and go broke by a boss who isn't sabotaging himself at all and bound by no such judicial order? Maybe so, but it's not by some gigantic long shot.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#204

Post by mothballed »

iamthemonster wrote: post #124
lazyasciiart wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> nearly no one seems to have noticed it. I'm very curious how much time you spend talking about parenting and consuming either social media or professional content about parenting, because those topics are so deeply embedded in parenting today that it's like saying "nobody seems to have noticed the internet".

Where I live in Western Australia, it is perfectly normal for 10-year-olds to be getting on their bikes and going round to their friends' houses after school. The swing towards "Fuck Around And Find Out" parenting has been going for the last ten years here, and everybody gives you rapturous applause when you encourage kids to have their own independent playtime. I have also never seen a man at a playground get dirty…

In USA bikes are often slow enough the Karens can still stalk them and have police/CPS snatch them for being out alone. So you find kids in groups on dirt bikes or motorcycle tier "electric bicycles." The Karens can't catch them so they can actually get away and be free. Glorious to watch, aint no one can keep up with kids who practice being on a dirt bike all day who can cut right off the roads into the backcountry they know better than anyone else.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#205

Post by ronzensci »

Dad of 2 under 5: would be curious to know if there has been a change in the role of grandparents and especially how parents (particularly Mums’) desire to get along with grandparents (in-laws) and what role is that playing in the increase in the ‘mental load’ and the stressful part of Mums’ parenting.

Can a good part of the mental load be attributed to the need for the parents to ‘do it all’ themselves rather than share the load and responsibility with other loved ones and caregivers without the need to tightly control all aspects of parenting?

On a separate note - Insta is constantly feeding my wife with versions of parenting which is completely unattainable. That really is at the heart of the mental load we are experiencing in our situation of raising two under five. If only Insta was banned, life would have been far more better for parents.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#206

Post by Drunkfoowl »

WarOnPrivacy wrote: post #22

> Millennial fathers have roughly tripled the amount of time they spend with kids. I think this really undersells it. My mom parented a few hours a week. My kids (like most) lived under ceaseless 24/7 adulting. The time I spent with my sons was more like a 20x increase over my parents' generation. Past that, it seems like it's taking forever for anyone to notice the radical changes in modern parenting/childhood. Alon…

[dead]

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#207

Post by eleventen »

mothballed wrote: post #204
iamthemonster wrote: post #124

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Where I live in Western Australia, it is perfectly normal for 10-year-olds to be getting on their bikes and going round to their friends' houses after school. The swing towards "Fuck Around And Find Out" parenting has been going for the last ten years here, and everybody gives you rapturous applause when you encourage kids to have their own independent playtime. I have also never seen a man at a playground get dirty…

In USA bikes are often slow enough the Karens can still stalk them and have police/CPS snatch them for being out alone. So you find kids in groups on dirt bikes or motorcycle tier "electric bicycles." The Karens can't catch them so they can actually get away and be free. Glorious to watch, aint no one can keep up with kids who practice being on a dirt bike all day who can cut right off the roads into the backcountry…

This is a weird take but I think I like it?

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#208

Post by jermberj »

adammarples wrote: post #170
saghm wrote: post #152

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Is a farmer a better farmer because he/she spends hours in the field? Or is the correct measure of a farmer the crops? At the risk is stating the obvious, crops do not have the ability to notice whether or not the farmer spends time with them. If you think that a child won't notice that one of their parents doesn't spend time with them and will be affected by it, I don't know what to tell you.

But do they notice the difference between 4 hours and 5 hours? Or are they noticing something else entirely?

To make the analogy proportional (according to the article), the difference would be something like "do they notice the difference between 1h 40m and 5 hours" (i.e. 3x more). My money would be on yes, they'd very much notice.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#209

Post by psyclobe »

My well being is judged now by whether I took the time to watch a movie with my daughter, take my son out to fly a rc plane and so forth... so easy to dig into the daily grind ... not sure what life is about but I sure a shit know misery it born from abandoning your kids and the sickness that brings inside is insidious.

If I do nothing both will be in their rooms all day. Makes me sick.

Re: American Dads Became the Parents Their Fathers Never Were

#210

Post by m463 »

1970-01-01 wrote: post #141
rhubarbtree wrote: post #34

Just a note for Dads doing more than their parents - it’s quality more than quantity. Be fully present with your kids more than trying to kill yourself fitting more hours in. That’s what matters. Bad parenting tends to be more of the type that isn’t engaged. Kids don’t hate you for going to work. They are hurt if you come home and ignore them.

Any paper or citations on this? I don't believe it.

Yeah, I'm a little skeptical as well. I remember dad being home, but not specifically focused on me. Sometimes seeing dad at home, doing his thing, was a great way of learning.

I think as kids we learned by example more than hands-on-taught.

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