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The year I didn't survive

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Re: The year I didn't survive

#201

Post by Balgair »

_DeadFred_ wrote: post #190
Balgair wrote: post #178

We had a similar thing happen to us in COIVD. My child was born and a few weeks later, my FiL died. We were the primary caretakers for both as one came into the world and one went out. One thing I will suggest is a death doula. Birth doulas are very good if you can afford them and worth the money, at least ours was. I really wish we'd gotten a death doula too, to help out with all the dumb things about dying. The pap…

Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who's trying to get over my mom's passing (and not getting far) it helps so much to hear others. It wasn't until I entered the 'dead parents club' that others told me 'you never go over losing them'. Why is that some secret to bare after the fact? All my friends say 'just do some counseling'.

When my child was born, they filled a hole in me I didn't even know was there.

My FiL's passing has left a yawning chasm in me and an empty ocean in my SO's life. The club members are right, I think, you never really get over it. Time is not long enough to heal that wound.

And it's impossible to understand unless you've lived it. I think that's why its a 'secret', those on the other side just aren't going to understand. It's like trying to talk to someone in French by speaking English slower and louder. You have to go back a long ways down the communication chain, down to pure emotions. And no one wants to do that unless they have to, not just because it's too raw (and it is), but also just because it takes a really long time.

I have heard the 'just go to counseling' part too. Its ... well ... rage inducing. As if that could ever do any good and get me back to the person I was. I hear that too about veterans and their experience back home. Like we just defective and just go get fixed so that way we can go hiking and go to bars and concerts again and so you're not so sad and a bummer all the time.

Like, um, fuck you, you fucking child? Sorry ... ? Have some compassion and ...

But no, it's that they weren't there, they don't know, they can't, and that's a good thing.

You've crossed a bridge, you can't go back. They haven't, yet. They will, and then their pain will let them know your pain. And it will suck, together, for a little while, until that pain comes again in a new way.

Honestly, I can see why old people are so dour now. All these holes in their souls from all these dead people they knew.

Yeah, so, therapy didn't really help, I think you can tell.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#202

Post by nick__m »

bsder wrote: post #199
jcims wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife died of ovarian cancer in February of 2020, right as covid started. It felt like I was running on adrenaline and cortisol for two years. Scrambling to find anything to help, steadily applying the steel tip of my proverbial boot to the backside of the healthcare industry, doing home IVs, changing ostomy bags, making sure meds were straight, trying to gently urge her to eat something at all, deep diving into th…

> I should have accepted much earlier that it was over and just prepared for that inevitability rather than clawing and scratching for options right until the end. I just didn't know how to do it. And yet with the other choice you might have regretted "not having done everything you could have". That is the curse of those with the ability to actually do something. In many ways, those who do not understand and simply…

》 In many ways, those who do not understand and simply place their faith in doctors are less burdened.

This is so true.

I wish I could write a better response but my wife has her periodic pet-scan in 1hr. Those scan always leave me paralyzed with fear of recurrence of the metastatic breast cancer she has. it's probably off topic so sorry internet strangers but writing it brings a little relief.

All my sympathy to those who lost someone!

Re: The year I didn't survive

#203

Post by Trollmann »

tasuki wrote: post #155
Trollmann wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing Don't know if this was your intention but this comes across as if having a depression was a choice, which it rarely is with any kind of illness.

It's difficult to say what is a choice and what isn't. Is anything my choice? Perhaps the world is deterministic, so nothing is anyone's choice. But also, I have seen people who seemingly choose to wallow in their grief. Also what is depression? I'm very sad that my partner died. I miss her. Some people have a chemical imbalance in their body. These are entirely different things. Perhaps I shouldn't have used that wo…

Thanks for restating, I get where you're coming from. Also your reply to another comment made me realize this is also a language mixup on my side. I didn't realize there is a depression (mood) in English. My native language has the major depressive disorder as depression, not sure if there is a term for the mood. Sorry for not checking this assumption before but I guess my perception of suggesting 'have you tried not being depressed?' just didn't sit well with me.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#204

Post by s1artibartfast »

Trollmann wrote: post #69
tasuki wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal. As always, yes and no. I'm a single father, my partner died when our daughter was 1.5 years old. A baby requires constant attention and care, so I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing. That said, I quite miss the abundant free time I used to have in my other life. Nowadays is constant battle about the littlest thin…

> I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing Don't know if this was your intention but this comes across as if having a depression was a choice, which it rarely is with any kind of illness.

It is never a choice and it is always a choice because it is fundamentally an internal psychological battle.

I personally think that viewing it as a choice is the more productive of the two. That is to say, people have the choice to persevere, keep trying to improve, and trying to recover. Nothing will change without intent.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#205

Post by WarOnPrivacy »

kragen wrote: post #130
WarOnPrivacy wrote: post #86

When I look in the mirror now, I notice all the places where my body reveals what I’ve been through. And I wonder, in a way that I wouldn’t if Jake were still alive, how this new body appears to others who don’t view it through a lens of love. At 20 I fell hard for a 35yo. We also became close friends and my pursuit of her was almost separate and apart. After a very long time I conceded; I met other people and eventu…

Give her a call. Your lifetime isn't over yet! She may be open to your love now, and likely would at least want to revive your friendship.

Thank you for this hopeful suggestion. I think a relationship isn't in the cards, atm. In her case, I live 1k miles away from her life. More generally, me+5sons live in tight quarters with all incomes needed to make basic bills.

What I left out of my OP is I was competing with her longtime boyfriend and my odds never were good (I did come close a few times tho). He owned an upscale restaurant, for starters. He was also a genuinely good guy. I know they were together a long while; I'd be happy if they still were.

Regardless, I'll be up that way this fall and hopefully we can get caught up.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#206

Post by s1artibartfast »

sneak wrote: post #103
Trollmann wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing Don't know if this was your intention but this comes across as if having a depression was a choice, which it rarely is with any kind of illness.

Not sure why you’re being downvoted; plenty of new parents let mental illness come between them and their responsibilities to their child/ren. They didn’t have the option of neglecting their kids either; somehow it doesn’t stop them from doing so anyway.

Yet you used the word "let", which implies agency and choice.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#207

Post by NickC25 »

Just going through this thread has reinforced the stark reality that while my struggles and issues are real and difficult, I'm incredibly fortunate to not have had to (hopefully ever) fight some of the battles others here have had to face and/or are currently facing. My issues pale in comparison.

You guys are some incredibly admirable and resilient people. Infinite respect.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#208

Post by schnebbau »

jcims wrote: post #167
CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

My wife died of ovarian cancer in February of 2020, right as covid started. It felt like I was running on adrenaline and cortisol for two years. Scrambling to find anything to help, steadily applying the steel tip of my proverbial boot to the backside of the healthcare industry, doing home IVs, changing ostomy bags, making sure meds were straight, trying to gently urge her to eat something at all, deep diving into th…

> I should have accepted much earlier that it was over and just prepared for that inevitability rather than clawing and scratching for options right until the end.

No way. If you had done that you would have felt even worse for not trying everything you possibly could.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#209

Post by CobaltFire »

nick__m wrote: post #202
bsder wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I should have accepted much earlier that it was over and just prepared for that inevitability rather than clawing and scratching for options right until the end. I just didn't know how to do it. And yet with the other choice you might have regretted "not having done everything you could have". That is the curse of those with the ability to actually do something. In many ways, those who do not understand and simply…

》 In many ways, those who do not understand and simply place their faith in doctors are less burdened. This is so true. I wish I could write a better response but my wife has her periodic pet-scan in 1hr. Those scan always leave me paralyzed with fear of recurrence of the metastatic breast cancer she has. it's probably off topic so sorry internet strangers but writing it brings a little relief. All my sympathy to tho…

My son’s regular survivorship checkups completely destroy me with anxiety.

I sympathize deeply.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#210

Post by llsf »

Not sure if this is biology only (turned 50) or COVID or intense (work in my case) life, but I also distinctly feel that I am clearly not the same for the past ~5 years.

My self-diagnostic is mild burn out with a stressful work trying to get our start up to service, mild depression due I think to working remotely in my apartment, barely going outside even on weekend (my only human interactions are through zoom).

I am trying to improve, but it feels that the energy spent during the past 5 years to dig that hole, is equal to energy to get out of that hole... and honestly at this point, I don't know if I can.

Quitting could be an option, but I have been working since I was 20yo without interruption, never had to really interview, just got hired or pulled from current job. And that feels scary to me now over 50yo to quit and maybe change career for something more social and less taxing.

I honestly do not know how long I can keep doing what I am currently doing. I need to keep myself in check to make sure that I do not go too far in that hole.

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