Write a note to your spouse every day • Hacker News Board

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#201

Post by Kaze404 » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 12:54 PM UTC

smt88 wrote: post #76

mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

> have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her I'm sure this was a painful lesson to learn, but I hope you took the right thing away from it. No healthy relationship is going to include 400 daily poems. It makes it seem like the subject of the poems is being put on a pedestal and idealized, not perceived as a real person with flaws. It comes across as obsessive and, perhaps, insincere -- how can someone…

I agree with this. It made me think about the Adam Sandler movie where he finds out his lover suffers from a condition where she can't retain new memories, and at the end of the movie the conflict is solved by them going to live on a boat and him re-seducting her every day for the rest of their lives.

Watching it as a kid made me think it was a heartwarming ending to the movie, but the older I get the creepier it gets. It is essentially a hostage situation if you think about it.

Anyways, not saying this is what OP did, but I guess it's an example of how seemingly sweet and well intentioned actions can also be overbearing. I can't say I would enjoy having someone write me poems for 400 days straight.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#202

Post by chinupbuttercup » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 12:56 PM UTC

The type of job and how you are wired makes a big difference in how you communicate. Like the OP, I'm someone who has always worked in startups (until the last couple months at a non-profit). I've always been on the product / leadership side and most recently cofounded a company where I had to wear all the hats for 7+ years. Most waking moments were focused on making the company successful and ensuring a stable income for my family (I have 4 kids under 17). My older kids are travel soccer players, life is busy and my communication with my wife has suffered for a long while. With limited time together a marriage still needs to move along... I appreciate the OP using all means of communication to improve the relationship. I too am a better writer than speaker so I will add some of his advice to my toolchest.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#203

Post by astura » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 12:56 PM UTC

the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

Women almost never willingly birth 4 kids in the span of 6 years without very strong outside influence. My guess here would be religion based on age (first kid at ~24).

Either that or there's multiple multiple births.

If their religion demands they have so many kids so quickly it's unlikely he helps out with the childrearing activities and leaves it to his wife, I'm which case his life is probably not very different than a childless man.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#204

Post by Pigalowda » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 12:58 PM UTC

Gatsky wrote: post #89

ram_rar wrote: post #7

I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to "save your marriage", then you probably didnt have one to begin with.

This is very much a fair-weather first-third-of-life perspective. I see quite a lot of elderly people with health problems. The ones that are completely alone… it’s a pretty wretched existence, frankly. That’s the reality. Not to say all marriages are great obviously, but often even an ex-husband is better than no husband at all.

Agree completely. What I find truly weird is when Gen Z commenters in the west say “society”. Do they really believe marriage is some modern, western, or Christian invention?

When they push forward as social animals with no social support network and things eventually take their toll (age/entropy/etc) they will fall back on someone else’s marriage for help - their parents or siblings.

I say this as a late 30’s person with no marriage. I thought I had one and it didn’t work out unfortunately. Now it’s just me and I am in true shit if really anything remotely severe goes wrong.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#205

Post by highwind » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 1:03 PM UTC

0x008 wrote: post #44

Is it just me or does anybody else think having to “do” something to want to talk to each other is weird? I feel like the trust between these two was very broken at this point. Usually when both parties have a healthy emotional well being and they like each other (and have kids also, so they have a lot in common I guess?) it would only be normal to want to talk with each other. Looks more like a symptom of fatigue or…

You obviously didn't read the whole blog post.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#206

Post by [deleted] » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 1:06 PM UTC

Ntrails wrote: post #182

smt88 wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her I'm sure this was a painful lesson to learn, but I hope you took the right thing away from it. No healthy relationship is going to include 400 daily poems. It makes it seem like the subject of the poems is being put on a pedestal and idealized, not perceived as a real person with flaws. It comes across as obsessive and, perhaps, insincere -- how can someone…

> No healthy relationship is going to include 400 daily poems. A bold and absolutist claim. The GPs relationship was clearly not healthy, but the idea that no healthy relationship could exist where there is a daily poem is kinda ridiculous?

[deleted]

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#207

Post by bruce343434 » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 1:18 PM UTC

xwdv wrote: post #94

NotTameAntelope wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. If I started writing literal daily notes to my wife, she’d be very concerned something was wrong. Then she’d ask why I’m wasting my time writing a note when I could have done… literally annoying else more productive lol

Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do. Becau…

We are a pathetic, self centered species.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#208

Post by jordanmoconnor » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 1:26 PM UTC

chinupbuttercup wrote: post #202

The type of job and how you are wired makes a big difference in how you communicate. Like the OP, I'm someone who has always worked in startups (until the last couple months at a non-profit). I've always been on the product / leadership side and most recently cofounded a company where I had to wear all the hats for 7+ years. Most waking moments were focused on making the company successful and ensuring a stable incom…

Author here - Sounds like you're in a similar situation (just 10 years ahead of me). I think this would work great for you, but you clearly have been doing something right to keep the marriage afloat for that long!

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#209

Post by jordanmoconnor » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 1:28 PM UTC

otikik wrote: post #158

I would have appreciated some mention of the actual medium in which the notes are written. Are we talking about a post-it note? Are the notes in a physical notebook? Is this done via some sort of mobile app? On a WhatsApp message, perhaps? I know it will be different for everyone, probably, but I think it is important to know one that is already working for someone.

Author here - I added an addendum to the end of the article. I write notes in a notes app (I use notion, but you can use whatever). Then I usually text it to her (though email would work fine). I keep it very simple, and I type a lot faster than I write by hand.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#210

Post by 3pt14159 » Tue, Aug 09, 2022, 1:31 PM UTC

funklute wrote: post #111

mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

> But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. I think you're missing some perspective here. You make it sound like you were the one really trying, and your partner is the one who was weird for not "getting it". I would honestly be pretty freaked out if my partner wrote me daily poems for 400 days. It would come off as very needy and obsessive, and if it continued a…

If my wife were the poem-writing type, I would love a poem a day for 30,000 days, let alone four hundred.

But paying attention to people when you give them something is very important. People are different. You may cringe at poems, but I love them. I brought one that someone else wrote for me on my first date with my now wife. We talked about getting married on our first date it went so well.

So I guess what I'm also trying to get at here is that your contribution of your opinion to the conversation may be valid, but it's more kind if it's not so universal as to be judgemental, since mamoriamohit may take it quite personally even though there is a kernel of useful information in what you're saying.