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Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
201–210 of 226 posts
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#202Can't believe the negativity I see on some of the top comments right now. Congrats and thanks for sharing, you rock :) It's really nice to get updates from folks who posted an Ask HN. Especially with a positive outcome. It's really not uncommon for humans to find energizing work energizing, and for that to affect their overall quality of life. Plenty of people are comfortable checking boxes and going home early, sure…
The negativity is totally warranted: OPs misguided believe in thinking that simply finding a new job will get rid of all his woes is worrisome. Furthermore the fact that a high percentage of commentators are encouraging his stance is counterproductive. This is simplifying a complex situation, which OP should definitely seek professional guidance for before he finds himself in the same situation 5 months from now...
I've seen this pattern so many times in life it isn't even funny. An acquaintance hated her job and had to leave to be happy. Now she is on her 3rd job in 1.5 years and already thinking about leaving again. Somehow the next job will be perfect and will finally make her happy.
Pointing the obvious is seen as rude, negative or plain toxic, as some do here. Even just dropping hints is received with hostility. Honestly I've experienced no upside and only downside from trying to help people in such situations.
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#203Earlier quoted context omitted.
> more like roommates. I've semi-jokingly referred to my relationship as 'like roommates'. We've discussed at length that 'this time in our lives' is the busiest we've ever been with early teen kids playing various sports, playing musical instruments, having braces, dealing with hormones and their personalities developing into 'who they're going to be as adults', fuck it's a lot. I just had a couple of days off sick,…
I thought that is supposed to be the easy time? As in, when children are born, the first 6 months are a nightmare, the next ~3 years are extremely tough, then as they get more independent and grown that's when it gets good? That 'pre- and early-teen' is supposed to be the best part, when you can more-or-less deal with them like with adults and they are fairly independent?
As reply to you and anonymousDan: I love it, and I may be overstating it to some extent. I love my kids and watching them grow but, because they're like me, the effort required to explain things is increased because their perspectives require answers with a level of detail that makes them understand, because with 'the little things' understanding is a prerequisite of compliance. Scaring them with loud angry voice isn't enough if your argument isn't solid. My son is unbelievably good at pointing out my hypocrisies and logical flaws, god it's so annoying and beautifully satisfyingly fulfilling all at once.
My wife and I both work, our weekly routine is as follows:
* Monday: daughter piano lesson 4:30-5pm, son soccer practise 7-8:30pm
* Tuesday: daughter dance 6pm-8:30pm
* Wednesday: son soccer practise, until his coach went to play a comp he was getting tennis coaching 5-5:30
* Thursday: rest day, although sons tennis team get together for a hit most evenings, dads also play
* Friday: son tennis comp 6-8pm, daughter dance practise 6-8:30pm, I take my niece roller skating 7:30-9:30pm
* Saturday: Dance comp season there are dance competitions every third week or so, when there's no competition they do 'teams' dance practise, I play tennis comp 1-4:30pm
* Sunday: son soccer game
I try to fit in four or five stretches, weights, exercise sessions per week as well to slow the decline of age.
So, yeah, I fit in playing tennis and roller skating weekly, so I get to scratch those itches, and I have time to tinker with personal projects, and watch movies and shows, but they always feel like 'slices' of time. My job isn't hugely demanding, by my wife's is, plus she does the cooking (because she's the picky one, says I).
But there's also managing screen time, bed times (they're both night owls), chores, homework, school drop offs and pickups, their friends, our friends (!), taxes, banking, finances, physio appointments, car servicing, fixing the goddam toilet and a leaky tap, and I'll fix the WiFi in a minute, and funerals, and birthday parties (they're much less of a big deal then when the kids are under 10, glad that stage has passed).
We've got a great network of family support without which we'd probably have to cut some activities or require more flexible working arrangements. We're using the whole fucking village (but we're also contributing).
I wouldn't have it any other way, and I wouldn't have thought I could cope with all of that if I wasn't in the middle of coping with it.
BUT you need to support you partner and you partner needs to support you.
And I'm totally aware that in the (near?) future we're going to need to support our kids with theirs, and wouldn't you know it: I think I'm kinda looking forward to that.
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#204Earlier quoted context omitted.
I thought that is supposed to be the easy time? As in, when children are born, the first 6 months are a nightmare, the next ~3 years are extremely tough, then as they get more independent and grown that's when it gets good? That 'pre- and early-teen' is supposed to be the best part, when you can more-or-less deal with them like with adults and they are fairly independent?
if that is what you expect, then our kids were angels. really we had no trouble with them. they slept pretty well very early, maybe because they slept in our bed so feeding them at night was easy. we had a nanny for help, but i was working from home so i could spend a lot of time with them. we'll see how it will be when they are older. so far it's going well though. i think what makes kids tough to deal with is not a…
Fuck my kids can be annoying. They're so much like their dad.
;)
I think there's a "know thyself" problem for those who have difficulty with their kids. They'll behave like you, and if you're not happy with yourself then you won't be happy with them.
Both of mine are so often overtly like me I often ask my wife: when are YOU having kids?
To which she replies: three is more than enough.
(Explainer: we have two kids, I'm the third).
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#205Earlier quoted context omitted.
> more like roommates. I've semi-jokingly referred to my relationship as 'like roommates'. We've discussed at length that 'this time in our lives' is the busiest we've ever been with early teen kids playing various sports, playing musical instruments, having braces, dealing with hormones and their personalities developing into 'who they're going to be as adults', fuck it's a lot. I just had a couple of days off sick,…
Shit, I have two kids under 4 and have been telling myself it will be a lot easier by the time they are that age!
It's different, it's all hard but increasingly rewarding - if you've put in the work early to get the rewards later.
The first swear word is a beautiful moment to be revisited regularly :)
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#206Earlier quoted context omitted.
I'm not sure what this really means in practice, though. Going to them for support is an entirely different thing than feeling distressed that they are insisting on a major life change you disagree with. I don't think it'd be healthier to always agree with them. They're an independent mind, it's inevitable you will butt heads every once in a while
For example, the OP seems to know (he writes it in the post) that he was fighting with his wife because he was generally stressed. It would be interesting to know if, once he had this realisation after changing jobs, he actually sat down and told his wife "you know, I'm sorry for how I was with you. I was unhappy and I poured it on you. Did you realise it back then? What can we do to make it better next time? Thank y…
best comment.
not just thanks but get her a gift too. something that requires you to put in an effort that she sees and understands.
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#207Seek counseling. You're making life decisions based on web boards. Somehow programming and your relationship with your spouse are tied up together. You're riding really high now. You were really low before. Emotional roller coasters mean you should talk with someone, regardless of how you're feeling right now.
> Seek counseling. You're making life decisions based on web boards. Somehow programming and your relationship with your spouse are tied up together.
>
> You're riding really high now. You were really low before. Emotional roller coasters mean you should talk with someone, regardless of how you're feeling right now.
Is it that hard to believe that changing what one spends over a third of their waking hours per week on can have a significant impact on one's emotional well being?
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#208Earlier quoted context omitted.
if that is what you expect, then our kids were angels. really we had no trouble with them. they slept pretty well very early, maybe because they slept in our bed so feeding them at night was easy. we had a nanny for help, but i was working from home so i could spend a lot of time with them. we'll see how it will be when they are older. so far it's going well though. i think what makes kids tough to deal with is not a…
Fuck my kids can be annoying. They're so much like their dad. ;) I think there's a "know thyself" problem for those who have difficulty with their kids. They'll behave like you, and if you're not happy with yourself then you won't be happy with them. Both of mine are so often overtly like me I often ask my wife: when are YOU having kids? To which she replies: three is more than enough. (Explainer: we have two kids, I…
I'm the third
yup that's a classic.
I think there's a "know thyself" problem for those who have difficulty with their kids. They'll behave like you, and if you're not happy with yourself then you won't be happy with them.
very much so. but it works the other way too. seeing myself reflected in my kids motivates me to change my behavior.
and parents changing their behavior is the only thing that works. applying two different standards and thinking that certain behavior is only ok for adults but not for kids (swearing for example) doesn't work.
for anyone who missed it, a longer discussion on the topic is here btw: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31703675
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#209Earlier quoted context omitted.
Everyone on HN and reddit has to be the most right and be unnecessarily argumentative. And that includes you and me. It’s a compulsion.
> Everyone on HN and reddit has to be the most right and be unnecessarily argumentative. And that includes you and me. It’s a compulsion. This is exactly why I think social media is cancerous, it normalizes that conversations devolve into a contentious battle of words for dopamine feedback loops. It's pretty pathetic that you think that is how people interact in the real World, perhaps you should interact with people…
I disagree only half ironically. In some ways, we are living through a golden age of debate. It just isn't well distributed. The problem is that it is difficult to maintain Community standards and incentives for what would legitimately be considered debate (EG listening, addressing the other person's point and maintaining good faith and civility.) There is a parallel and greater growth of online argument which many people conflate with debate. This is fed by online point systems and engagement. It is the latter that is bleeding over into the real world and causing problems.
Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite
#210Earlier quoted context omitted.
> there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship. Do you think that contradicts what you quoted? Yes, you can fix those problems. But sometimes it takes more than love, support, and teamwork. Sometimes you need to make other changes.
i oversimplified. of course it takes more than just love, support and teamwork. you also need to act. those other changes are the result of love support and teamwork. love, support and teamwork are the necessary conditions to find out what changes are necessary, and to be able to carry them out.
So what did you "hard disagree" about then?