Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely • Hacker News Board

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#201

Post by davesque » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:01 PM UTC

I know there could be a lot of causes for this but one thing I've noticed, which is specific to my location, is that too much cultural homogeneity can lead to loneliness.

I remember clearly a time in my life when I was very lonely and having a lot of trouble meeting people. Eventually, I crafted a theory that most of the people in my environment secretly did not want to meet anyone. This was either because they already had busy lives or they just didn't need to know yet another person who was just like them.

Shortly thereafter, I went back to university and encountered a lot of exchange students who were perhaps legitimately in need of friends and perhaps also coming from cultures which tended to be much less closed off to casual friendliness. This fixed the loneliness problem for me very quickly. Of course, it must also be acknowledged that the environment in university tends to facilitate social activity.

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#202

Post by aylmao » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:02 PM UTC

kudokatz wrote: post #37

coryfklein wrote: post #15

For a long time I've been wanting a "Tinder For Platonic Adults" app. I'm not looking for romance or sex, but I want to find nearby matches with similar interests; do you drink, play board games, are you married, how many kids and what age? There are likely tens of matches for me within a 5 minute drive, I just don't know how to find them . I'm a friendly guy and would love to have that friend that feels comfortable…

> There are likely tens of matches for me within a 5 minute drive, I just don't know how to find them. I have found meetup.com to be exactly this. Not everybody at a meetup will click personally, but they're much more likely to share interests. One meetup group has completely changed my life, and I have met people I consider some of the best people I have ever encountered anywhere. And they all live right near me.

I think a lot of this is economics, culture and the city-scape of the US. In other places (my home country included) there's no meetup.com, but there's just more community and family. Having lived in the US I've noticed the following:

1. Colleges get expensive and matter a lot, so people leave home for college if they want to achieve. Time to make new friends.

2. After college, a lot of people go where the job is-- this might be far from your family and since you went to college with a lot of people from a lot of different places, probably far from them too. Goodbye friends.

3. It's not unlikely your job brings you to a city, and US cities are notorious for having the tall downtown where most city life exists and the quiet, expansive suburbs. You're young so you move downtown. Time to make new friends.

4. Downtown will be expensive, apartments will be for rent not sale, so you'll be moving about constantly. You never form meaningful connections with neighbors.

This point is interesting in that is, I feel, why people seem more glued to their phones today, interact with people around them less, and overall annoy each-other more. Their real friends are not necessarily the people around them: they live on your phone. You don't make an effort to meet people around you cause you might never see them again. Not even your neighbors: your lease is for just one year.

5. You eventually settle down and move to the suburbs. Time to make new friends. Everyone wants the lawn, but this also means houses are far between. How many people can your really interact with? Moreover, American suburbs are just that: houses. No one walks on the streets of suburbs, so meeting, bumping into and interacting with neighbors takes effort. All the time you spend shopping, working, having fun-- it's probably going to be around strangers downtown, not your neighbors.

6. You have kids, and your kids leave for college. They're not going to move back home, or to your neighborhood. They're going to go down the same path-- you better remind them to call.

7. You get very old, and then get put in a elderly home. Again, instability, and you probably have to find and make new friends.

A lot about this progression seems relatively normal but are unusual where I'm from.

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#203

Post by prewett » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:02 PM UTC

We've designed ourselves into isolation. We leave our house in a metal box, arrive at work, then return to our metal box. The most prominent feature of newer houses from the street is the garage, not the door or porch. We live in a subdivision where the nearest store is a five minute drive, so nobody ever uses the sidewalks that are mandated to be there. We move across the country for work, so we aren't close to family. There's no real neutral place where people have to interact together for some reason, so you don't have the accidental meetings that is required to meet people and community.

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#204

Post by s73v3r_ » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:02 PM UTC

SketchySeaBeast wrote: post #58

cdiddy2 wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It allows you to logout of Pam. That seems to be it from a quick glance

But it does nothing. You load the link again and you are once again a member of the Pamstalt.

It's like a Sparticus thing. "I am Pam."

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#205

Post by stareatgoats » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:03 PM UTC

androidgirl wrote: post #166

I'm 21 years old, I grew up online. I started on myspace and chat via gmail, eventually moving to Facebook. Fast forward through an early highschool graduation, and taking most college classes online: I have no idea how on Earth I am to socialize with people in the real world. I quit and deactivated Facebook in January, and since I have felt so truly alone. Each day I ride an uber to my dev job, work mostly by myself…

> I quit and deactivated Facebook in January, and since I have felt so truly alone.

I've long suspected that Facebook serves a beneficial function for lonely singles, a way to socialize without having a partner or IRL friends. As a short term fix against loneliness I think that's great. That said, constant Facebooking can also get in the way of getting to know and keeping friends IRL.

Sounds to me you are poised to explore the big and growing world of people who prefer face-to-face relationships, i.e. the kind of relationships that matters most. Hang in there.

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#206

Post by s73v3r_ » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:04 PM UTC

philipodonnell wrote: post #191

magduf wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not great, and I think it shows our society is fracturing and collapsing, but I don't want to socialize much with any Trump voters either. I have enough problems; I don't need someone spouting insane conspiracy theories to me about how 9/11 was "an inside job", Sandy Hook never happened, etc.

> I don't need someone spouting insane conspiracy theories to me Perhaps, but it may also help that person realize there are normal people in real life who don't share those ideas, despite being told that anyone they disagree with is a horrible person.

Perhaps, but that's not my job. I value my sanity too much to try and get them to understand those things are bunk.

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#207

Post by lilbismypal » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:05 PM UTC

lonely is a social construct so inherently, half of people will be lonely lmao

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#208

Post by rb808 » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:07 PM UTC

Rotdhizon wrote: post #9

I think a huge factor is the growing theme of social interaction being unacceptable. Back in the day you could walk up to and make friends with almost anyone, it wasn't weird to interact with strangers, thus making new acquaintances. Modern society stigmatizes that kind of interaction, don't talk to people you don't know if you don't want to be ostracized. You could want to befriend someone in a crowd, but come up wi…

I dont think is less acceptable. I do think that previously people waiting in a line probably had nothing to do and were more likely to talk, where now they're on their phone.

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#209

Post by selestify » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:08 PM UTC

marnett wrote: post #131

acali wrote: post #73

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does anyone else get the sense while some people will claim they desire more social interactions, the're also very quick to judge each action, looking for indications of in-authenticity or hints that they're dealing with someone nefarious.

All people have defense mechanisms that cause this. They judge the very things they wish they themselves had the courage to do. It's overwhelmingly natural and very hard to realize in the moment.

What's the point of such defense mechanisms?

Re: Nearly Half of Americans Are Lonely

#210

Post by tomazio » Fri, Aug 03, 2018, 8:09 PM UTC

wenc wrote: post #40

simmanian wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I do think people tend to engage with strangers a lot less often than they had "back then," but I cannot agree modern society stigmatizes that kind of interaction at all. You can see people interacting with strangers on college campuses, at music events, and at grocery stores all the time.

This still happens but it can be geography-specific. Chicago is one of the few big cities that is still relatively open to these types of spontaneous interactions. London on the other hand is not.

As a current Chicago resident of 2+ years, I agree. Although I always thought this was just a Midwestern thing, as I grew up in Ohio and this was pretty common there as well.