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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#201

Post by GCU-Empiricist »

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #146
pmoriarty wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

This jumps out at me on airplanes. You used to strike up conversations with the people next to you, unless they were sleeping or obviously working on something. Now they're wearing headphones, and it feels intrusive to talk to them.

Single serving friends

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#202

Post by tjalfi »

pmoriarty wrote: post #82
poulsbohemian wrote: post #46

In the past month three men, (one 45ish, another 55ish, another 74) two of whom I was barely acquainted with, have poured their souls out to me over their relationship and business troubles. I'd argue that it isn't hard to make friends, it's just hard to meet people in the first place. Men in particular get into a habit of focusing on business and family. More than once I've heard older men voice a complaint if their…

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

I live in Seattle and everyone else on my daily commute is immersed in their smartphone, tablet, or laptop.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#203

Post by davidcamel »

Kluny wrote: post #16
ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

Your comment is super important, I don't think everyone who read it realizes how elusive its warning is.

I'm young and already excuse myself by saying that I don't mind having just one or two close friends. But this is how it starts: we tend to think we can handle being mostly friendless, and yet, as we age, it seems that many of us can't.

Not sure what the solution is, but you've definitely underscored a big problem that I've (till now) underestimated. And I'm sure others have too.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#204

Post by kridsdale1 »

kolanos wrote: post #128
Kluny wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a character…

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way The time is gone, the song is over Thought I'd something more to say

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#205

Post by TallGuyShort »

emodendroket wrote: post #117

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

Why would you call someone twice when you could just text? -50 points.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#206

Post by pwaai »

davesque wrote: post #72

American here: I've had the problem at a few different times in my life that, whenever I actually suggested to guy friends that we hang out, they interpreted it as a pass and thought I was gay. I'm not making this up at all. I think part of the problem is not just the way that priorities change as we get older but the fact that the US seems to have an extremely closed-off and anxiety-ridden culture to begin with. May…

I think this is a uniquely Anglo cultural thing, in the backdrop of a stricter gender norms formed out of industrialization. Everybody is so afraid of being seen as gay while maintaining a front of being politically correct about it (I suppose there is genuine fear of being publicly labelled a homophobe or a racist).

In almost all parts of the world, there's nothing wrong with grown men hanging out or grabbing drinks to share trial and tribulations of life.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#207

Post by 77pt77 »

emodendroket wrote: post #117

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

> OK, here is one case where the lack of friends is not mystifying at all.

That'll be a 20 point deduction!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#208

Post by SubuSS »

It is very interesting to read all these comments: I am trying to see why the 'social' networks aren't able to fill this gap of camaraderie (assuming that's what people are looking for when they say friendships).

What are we worried about? The public nature of discussions? Worry about putting yourself out there and getting digitally recorded for ever? Why aren't we able to have a tinder for friends as a successful service? Yeah I can build yet another one but I am trying to see where my employer and other competitors are failing. Is there a giant gap of being able to discover like minded people / enable rich experiences that these aren't filling?

FWIW from my side, I have had pretty deep / enriching discussions here / on reddit / stackoverflow etc. which have always been good enough. So I am probably not the right sample set to answer these :\

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#209

Post by pwaai »

ggm wrote: post #169

Nobody has said amygdala yet so I will. There. It's out there. If you're under 25, you don't have a fully formed amygdala, and you're open and receptive to rash ideas. Diving off the roof of a house into the pool. riding on the back of utility trucks with no seat. Drinking scotch from the bottle. Forming friends. Then you grow up.

Yeah there's something that happens to our brains once we enter an age where we are supposed to be rearing offsprings.

But I also suspect a strong socioeconomic factor as well. When you are no longer in university and in the work force or even a family of your own it changes priorities a lot.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#210

Post by jsemrau »

opportune wrote: post #196
jsemrau wrote: post #190

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you sure you downloaded the right app? It's this one : https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/drop-in/id1038351294?mt=8 Looking at the data I have received from the sign-up and data selection processes there should have been no problems.

Yep, that's the one I downloaded. I'm on a 5S. The problem might be that I'm on iOS 9 still, actually. I'll update later and report back

From the unit test on the 5S should be ok, let me know what happens after the update. But please don't update only because of this.
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