I've hired people before, and usually when it comes time to send rejection emails it can be very hard. If someone clearly isn't right for the job, you owe it to them to mention why- I'm an engineer, I work in absolutes and "Culture fit" or something so wishy-washy doesn't roll well off my fingers. But how do you tell people that they lack basic knowledge or experience in certain areas without sounding bitchy or attac…
"We received your application as [JOBTITLE] and thank you for your interest in our company. After careful review of the applications for this position, we regret to inform you that we are considering other candidates which match the skills and qualifications of this position more closely. We will keep your application for the next 2 months should the position reopen, if you wish to oppose this please click this link."
That said I completely oppose OP's (satirical) template. If you want news, grab a phone and just make the call. If you can't get an answer after a reasonable time and an active research from your side, is it really a place you want to work at?