HN Help: I'm lost

There's also potentially some pride to swallow, but it's badly placed pride in the first place. The life-prevalence of perfect mental health is near zero.

Gender and race discrimination have mostly been tackled, sexual orientation is on it's way. Mental disorders will be the next milestone IMO.

All the best to the lost sheep :-)

When you're caught in the middle of a crushing situation, you don't think straight and you develop a lot of bad habits without noticing. The best thing possible is to get out from under the pressure and regain some self-awareness.

If you can do it, get some savings together, or find a plan to do so. With those, spend a nice long stretch of time, six months to a year, away from the "working world" (not necessarily "work," but you want to have plenty of freedom and a minimum of scheduling and responsibility) so that you can return to sanity and sort out whatever bothers you about your life and plan how you want your life to feel - small things, big things, relationships, work, children, etc. Having the longer timespan is important because your own perceptions change gradually, and what you think you want now turns out to be illusory later.

Regardless of what specifically happens, what you think or do, what projects you start, whether you're well on the way to a new career or you have to take your old job again, by the end of the period of freedom, you'll have a better idea of what you're passionate about in life and can refocus around that.

I am probably not a typical HN reader, but full-time "normal" employment works for me. I do software engineering and coding for 8 hours, then I go home, where I see my child, and there is a paycheck every month.

So the advice I can give is - find another programming job, which is closer to your home, and chances are your boss will be better. That can solve the problem with money, boss, and time for your child.

Regarding the more existential questions (meaning of life, etc.), I personally would not looking for the solution in the work I do.

First off - try to realise and embrace the fact that these situation don't last forever. I love the phrase "this too shall pass" because it's pithy and accurate.

It sounds like your first step though is to find a better job - better boss/more interesting work/closer to home/ less travel etc.) That will give you more time away from your family. This alone can have a massive impact.

I commuted 4 hours a day to a client's site almost every working day for close to 2 years on a single project and at the end of that - when I returned back to the office - 30 minutes from my house - I felt like I was on holiday! Even with a new project underway the de-stress was enormous.

You may have to take a financial drop in take home pay but it will give you space for you to evaluate your longer term options more calmly, under less mental stress and away from a work relationship that is clearly not pleasant for you.

I think it's pretty common for these feelings but at least you've recognised them, some people aren't even able to do that.

I think it's also pretty common during your 40s to feel like this - I did and still do - and I know a LOT of people in a similar position.

I think noonespecial's advice about sharing these feelings with your family is good and also about seeking mental health advice.

Same situation here, I am now working from home with the support of my wife. Really, you must bring your wife and family into the game by explaining the situation for them to support you. Really the best advice, all the rest will follow.