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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#21
As an adult it seems harder, but try to change your environment. You will adapt if you suddently live with roommates, and meet a lot of people on a everyday basis. The only hard part is not stopping after the initial failures; the best solution for this is to have no choice : for instance, apply for an internship in a big company for a year. Adaptation will come from effort and environment.

Good luck:)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#22
Whatever your preconceived notions of psychoanalysis or any kind of therapy (the kind not involving drugs), I would strongly urge you to seek out a well-regarded and senior shrink or therapist in your area that you can afford to see at least once a week. I'm not sure how one finds a good shrink in your area. In New York, where I live, it involved reaching out to people I knew who had grown up here—I realize this won't be your strategy, but perhaps there are websites or organizations that can help direct you to a well-regarded counselor.

Think before you choose someone; this will be a person with whom you'll spend a lot of time talking about yourself. Is it a man or a woman? Are they middle aged or perhaps older? Are they also Asian, or perhaps with another background? Be honest with yourself about who you may feel the most comfortable talking to. Take your time choosing somebody, and then see them once a week. Don't expect results immediately, but if you can commit yourself to seeing someone regularly for at least six to twelve months, the results may well be life-changing, as they have been for many people I have known going through similar struggles.

If you are naturally suspicious of counseling or psychoanalysis, think about the definite upside of meeting with a shrink regularly: you'll have a regular opportunity to practice and hone your social and conversational skills, you'll get feedback on those skills from an honest professional, you will improve your ability to express yourself to strangers, and you will work on your general English speaking abilities that you mention are a point of concern for you. If your budget can sustain it, it may well be the best money you'll spend for the time being.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#23
post #7

No joke: I bought a dog. Probably the best way to come into chats with complete strangers :-D Also don't underestimate the value of your body language. That is often more important than your skill at expressing your thoughts into language.

I think babies are the best way, actually. (I'm not advising the OP to have a baby, though, at this particular juncture, though it'd definitely keep him busy.)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#24
The first thing I would to is to become interested in your co-workers. Ask them about their lives, how they got to your company, why they came to your company, what they did before. Ask them about their views on current events. This is how humans connect, by being interested in one another. You might also want to read "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc....

The second most important thing is to ask for people for advice (which is what you're doing right now). It can be work-related, life-related it doesn't matter. By showing that you are open for advice, you show that you value their point of view and you give them the opportunity to communicate what they're best at.

Regarding how to find the right girl, check out the Youtube channel from RSD Julien, the co-founder of Real Social Dynamics who is talking a lot about self-improvement and how to constantly expose yourself to things you are afraid of. But all in all, it's not about the girls, it's about you. So don't chase after girls, chase after your own best self and the right girl that loves you exactly the way you are will come automatically. He started out similar to you, not having many friends and being afraid of talking to women. Have a look here at his story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#25
A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert.

- Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having?

- People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (because as we said above, you care about them!). The more you get someone to talk about themselves, the more they'll usually end up liking you.

- Help people. It might be an old lady across the street. It could be a co-worker. Or, the person moving into your apartment building. When you can, help people (again, because you care about them :))

- Notice a trend here? I'll repeat it again. You are doing things because you care about others. The best way to stop being an introvert is to get out of your own head, and get into the head of others.

- Lastly, you'll be uncomfortable a lot. Some conversations will fizzle out. Some people might think you are weird. You might be out at a bar and have no idea who to talk to, or how to start talking to someone. Spend time being uncomfortable. Learn to deal with it. Sooner or later, you'll make small bits of progress. When you do, repeat what you did to make that bit of progress.

Hope this helps some!

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#27
Hey, I feel you. I'm not Asian, but I'm introvert. I'm a tad younger, at 20 years old. I'm also unemployed (yay!).

Anyway, I've never have tons of friends, but after finishing high school, I've cut almost every relations that I've had with others (on one side, I've never had a friendship outside school, on the other side, it's my fault since I'm not good at maintaining relations).

So you could say that I'm currently in a similar situation to you. I don't have much to say but the usual suggestions that everyone will give you, since really isn't much to say.

If you have any hobby, it might be worth searching for local shops or local meetups for it. If you like card games and/or board games, you'll always find some shop in a city. If you like sports, join a local club, it's usually a decent way to make friends. Conventions seems to be rather frequent in america, so you can try and go to those.

Getting friends in a skill that you have to develop over time. Many, many people just take it for granted, since most are born with it, but for some it takes years to master.

When you meed people, try to not be shy. Talk, look at them and not elsewhere/the floor, don't cross your arm. In short, watch your body language.

If you have nothing to say, ask them about themself. Most people just love to talk about themself. Don't be shy to ask, at worst they'll just shrug it off and switch the arguments to something else.

Try to remember their names, it's a nice thing that most people will appreciate. Also, after you've made a bit of conversation and you like them, try to maintain that relations. Ask them a contact, and contact them from time to time (just don't be overwhelming, otherwise you'll look like a creep). If they're interested, you get someone to talk, otherwise it's not hard for them to not reply.

Someone is suggesting you to get a dog, and I can say that it's a wonderful way to have random small talks (especially if you have some kind of rare dog). But remember that getting a dog is not something you can do lighthearted, it will take tons of efforts.

As for your English, just try to speak with other people, most will not mind your bad english as long as it's not painful to understand (and given how you write, I don't think it is). And you'll get better over time.

That's mostly what it comes to my mind. It might work or not, but it's the usual suggestions you'll read over the internet. I can say that I'm a better listener after following those, but my introversion is still blocking me from joining a club (but I've started running, maybe I'll get to know someone with it?).

If you want to talk, my email is in my profile page. I can't do much (especially since there is an ocean between us), but I find that just writing something helps a lot to get your ideas clear.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#28
post #25

A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert. - Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having? - People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (be…

I have no problem making friends and speaking to people. I'm an introvert who became an extrovert as my confidence increased. And, I just wanted to really back up the 'uncomfortable' comment. Even with close friends the conversation can die completely and not come back for a while, because we run out of things to say. So if that does happen to you, be aware, it's completely normal, and happens to everyone.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#29
As someone who was, and because of moving places frequently, becomes in your situation. Here is my advice and what have worked for me.

Your situation is special. Most people at this age have friends. Most people are not looking for new friends or are not willing to invest in a new relationship.

You need to know that because it'll save you lots of time, effort, money and pain.

You need to find people who are in your situation. They do exist and they are everywhere. Starting a relationship with them works most of the time, because they are looking to hang out with someone. They are willing to invest regardless of the language barriers or the cultural differences.

How to find them? You need to become more visible, and have an instinct at knowing who these people are. Never invest, or try to invest into someone who has lots of friends.

They are in the coffee, the street, the gym club, library, shopping mall, the nearest park, events, internet...

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