21–30 of 86 posts
He doesn't understand how to be happy or satisfied. He needs a therapist. I think most people do, they underestimate the value of having an independent sounding board to help work through these kinds of feelings. His expectations are either unrealistic, or he's surrounded by people who are always doing better, despite him doing well, which makes him seem like a failure. He has the luxury of those feelings. Silicon Va…
He doesn't understand how to be happy or satisfied. He needs a therapist. I think most people do, they underestimate the value of having an independent sounding board to help work through these kinds of feelings. His expectations are either unrealistic, or he's surrounded by people who are always doing better, despite him doing well, which makes him seem like a failure. He has the luxury of those feelings. Silicon Va…
Firstly, you tend to live within your salary terms: you get a nice home, you spend a little more on the luxuries of life and you find each month that you don't have quite as much left over as you would expect.
You don't need to be showy for this to happen. I know people on equivalent salaries who don't own cars and live in small flats who don't have a lot of spare cash.
And then you have the freedom aspect of things that ties in with this: because you are never really sitting on a big pile of cash, and because the bills are coming in regularly you feel trapped. You need to keep on making a decent amount of money, and therefore you end up working for somebody else on something you're not too happy with in order to just stay where you are. Meanwhile, the industry moves on and you feel as though you're stuck in the same place and eventually you'll get eclipsed, so you throw yourself into staying ahead and all you're doing is running on a conveyor belt.
There's no easy fix. What I suggest for your friend is to focus on that concept of freedom.
There is a metaphorical story for your friend about a tramp and a greedy millionaire. The tramp proclaimed that he was the richer man because he had all the money he wanted, yet the millionaire was compelled to keep working because he wanted more. Who was the freer?
Live on less. Stockpile the cash. Realise you can buy a home outright with a few year's savings and be free of rent or mortgage. Move and keep stockpiling the cash. Grow food. Do more with less. Realise over time that you're spending virtually nothing and you can live on that stockpile for 5 years. Then 10 years. Then 20 years. Then realise you're free. Stop working for somebody else. Throw yourself into something you love.
I've been in a similar position to your friend - the only way out realistically is to live on less. Chasing more is a fool's errand as a first step. Make do with nothing, spend your time on something you love, and then the opportunity will arise to have the freedom to do something more.
This idea that you can become a millionaire by writing some apps or mining some Bitcoin is one of the most toxic and acidic things in our (development) culture right now.
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/10/02/what-is-stoicism-a...
What kind of job pays a 25 year old 160k with flexible hours? Genuinely curious.
In the Bay Area, things are very expensive and its hard to put money away, and its also hard to feel like "you've won" because other folks are so dramatically more successful than you. However, after visiting home for Christmas I realized that I'm actually quite successful. So the problem is that I'm a small or medium fish in a very large pond. So I don't ever feel like I'm free because I'm not a big fish. Whats unfair is that a lot of the big fish in SF owe their size to luck. Its not that they are necessarily objectively better than the smaller fish, they just got lucky. (Granted, sometimes they are better: Elon Musk).
So, my advice to your friend would be to seek a high paying job which allows telecommuting, for both him and his wife. Then, move to somewhere livable but dirt cheap. Then, sock money away like a madman. Then, once you've got a pile of cash...stop working. Stop working for 3 years or so, enjoy that 3 years of freedom. Build something, maybe it will take off.
Thats where my thoughts are right now, it'd be great to hear an update on what he thinks about it.
EDIT: I wanted to add this follow up. One of the interesting things about this conundrum is, for me, not being as successful/free as I want creates a significant amount of stress. I worry about it far more than I should. I worry about it to the point where it has a negative impact on my ability to think clearly because my mood is so depressed...and its like being stuck in a trap because I worry I'm not successful enough, but the worry depresses me enough that I can't pursue means of being successful. Its now a question of: Can I overcome that stress in my current situation, or, are things going to have to change?
What kind of job pays a 25 year old 160k with flexible hours? Genuinely curious.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
That depends on your definition of success. At a certain level how much money you make doesn't really increase our happiness ( http://blogs.wsj.com/wealth/2010/09/07/the-perfect-salary-fo... ). It's tough, without knowing him, to know what his real goals and desires are, but it seems to me like "make more money" isn't the answer.
He always talks about how he wants to be "free". And he's not "free" yet. Even though he makes money, he still has debt (school loans, mortgage, car payments, daycare, etc etc)..