"Being interesting" is often just "being present"
Listen to Understand
21–30 of 34 posts
Re: Listen to Understand
#22Great article with lots of practical ways to implement it. In my view this is a superpower and I find I can usually do it if I'm not stressed or tired. As follow-up thoughts: - It's important whom you listen to. Consider it a gift you're giving and give it only to those who you think deserve and not abuse it or make you consistently feel bad about something. - Those listeners are also very healthy in/for a group,e.g.…
It takes energy, attention, and emotional bandwidth, so it's reasonable (and healthy) to be selective about where you spend it. Otherwise you end up being an unpaid therapist for people who never reciprocate.
Re: Listen to Understand
#23It’s great advice. If you can be intentional going in to a conversation then I think the chances to serving the other person through listening becomes much higher. It’s truly a gift…offering someone your time and attention. Possibly the most valuable gift you can give - I don’t mean that facetiously. The Gottmans talk about bids for attention. It’s random comments inviting the other person to engage. This sounds real…
Yet it's simple, but not easy, which is usually a sign it's pointing at something real
Re: Listen to Understand
#24Being told to "listen" by someone who's submitted 57 links to his own site and zero from any other sources, and who also doesn't comment on submissions other than his own.
> doesn't comment
they're listening
Re: Listen to Understand
#25Good article, this is something I struggle with and am trying to ve better at. I wish there were similarly concise and technical explanations of other social skills
Re: Listen to Understand
#26This article is not terrible, but it is yet another article about listening that treats it as the direct exchange of information rather than as one dynamic in the embodiment of a relationship.
If you “talk about yourself” by sharing a similar problem, that is called commiseration. This can be a comforting move because it doesn’t put pressure on the other person to respond, yet implicitly expresses that you understand the feeling (assuming you are choosing a good example from your own life to share).
The particular technique of responding doesn’t matter as much as establishing the kind of relationship where either side can assert themselves as needed, and feels that the other side will let them. That way, the person who feels more need gets what they need.
My wife and I are coming up on our 35th anniversary. She’s very quiet and I am loud, so I have to force myself to leave a lot of space for her to assert herself (this has become easier over time, partly because I know that she will always give me what I need in the end, so suppressing myself never feels like a penalty).
I like the technique suggested in this post (draw her out by asking inviting questions about her situation). I only object to labeling the sharing of oneself as “egocentric.” In a loving relationship, your ego automatically serves your love-sworn. Offering of yourself can be exactly what she wants.
Re: Listen to Understand
#27The author is describing active listening. You don't have to come off like a bot when reflecting either, "man that sucks" and just leaving space for the other person to keep talking goes a long way.
Anyone here that feels they could do better on this would benefit from a few sessions with a decent therapist.
Re: Listen to Understand
#28Solid advice for as long as one can stand only listening. My experience is as mentioned in the post, people are egocentric and don't bother listening. That's why I stopped telling others how I feel or how things are after a while, and only superficially pay attention to them. Saves me some energy as well.
Careful, this is the setup for many a man's lonely later life.
I am alone, not lonely.
And enjoy it well enough.
Re: Listen to Understand
#29This article is not terrible, but it is yet another article about listening that treats it as the direct exchange of information rather than as one dynamic in the embodiment of a relationship. If you “talk about yourself” by sharing a similar problem, that is called commiseration. This can be a comforting move because it doesn’t put pressure on the other person to respond, yet implicitly expresses that you understand…
I am a listening trainer, and have taken over 1,500 people through a basic session in active listening. But that said, I agree with you that what matters is having a good relationship, and that involves using different communication skills at different times.
Re: Listen to Understand
#30Great article with lots of practical ways to implement it. In my view this is a superpower and I find I can usually do it if I'm not stressed or tired. As follow-up thoughts: - It's important whom you listen to. Consider it a gift you're giving and give it only to those who you think deserve and not abuse it or make you consistently feel bad about something. - Those listeners are also very healthy in/for a group,e.g.…
It takes energy, attention, and emotional bandwidth, so it's reasonable (and healthy) to be selective about where you spend it. Otherwise you end up being an unpaid therapist for people who never reciprocate.
Yep glorified emotional tampon.